DD sans Frontières or is that now BDSM sans Frontières !

What can a Mascochist say ...

2009-06-15T23:00:00.005+02:00

... to her 15 year old daughter who has explained that when she gets stressed she self-harms?

Haven't posted in a while but thought I'd write this in the hope that some of my old blog readers might have some idea about what to say or do.

My middle daughter is having some serious problems at the moment with self -esteem and her boyfriend's drug problem and she has confessed to me that she has used a razor to cut herself as it helps her to cope with the "pain" of all that stress. She is the one with ADHD so already has a lot to cope with in addition to all the s**t to do with her father.

I was, to put it mildly, horrified, my "baby" is self-harming. Of course I went into overdrive telling her that this is not a good thing and can be dangerous and that she needs to talk to someone about it, get some serious help, but all the time I was feeling hypocritical. How can I get angry with her for doing something "so stupid/dangerous" when I use pain in the same way. For me getting spanked/tortured etc is the only time when I am able to "tune out" the major stress in my life and to "turn off" my brain, or at least to slow it down to a level that I can cope with. Why shouldn't she "need" something similar?

What should I do, other than getting her a therapist pdq (pretty damn quick) that is? Anyone had any experience of this, I am out of my depth here?

Thanks

Hil

The End, or is it the Beginning ...

2009-02-20T20:26:00.005+01:00

Hello All

Apologies to those who used to read me before, I've been away a long while. I'd like to claim that it is because work is hectic, which it is, or that the kids are hectic, which indeed they are, but the truth is that the real reason I have been away is that I have felt that I did not really have anything worthwhile to say.

This blog was all about the search to find myself, well that is not how it started (as those who have read it over the last year know), but it was what it fast turned in to, starting with domestic discipline, moving through to BDSM and latterly my coming to terms with understanding and accepting myself as I am, a masochist and submissive.

And I suppose in a mad kind of way I have not felt the need to blog any more because I seem finally to have found myself, and accepted me, warts and all and rather than write about it all I would rather actually live it.

I mentioned this to Andrew, who has been true to his word and has stayed in touch to continue to act as a male role model to my children, and he suggested that I really ought to "round off" the blog rather than leave it hanging so this is my attempt to do so. I am not saying that I will never write anything more here, but for now I do not plan to.

As to the actually living it bit, as I hinted before Christmas, but did not elaborate upon out of deference to Andrew's feelings (but as he has found someone new I think it is OK to "publish" this information) I have found my Dominant Sadist, the man I now call Master (well I do some of the time, the rest of the time I call him Dave!).

Over the last year I have "wasted" a considerable amount of time endlessly questioning, analysing and agonising over this "weird, kinky lunatic" side of me which has emerged from the deep. The submissive, masochist who "loves" to be controlled and spanked and needs pain. Well Dave has been instrumental in helping me to move past the "requirements analysis phase" into the "implementation phase" or is that "routine operation phase" proper, and to finally really accept this part of me, to stop fighting it and to just get on with living it.

I need the dynamic of having someone else in control, to tell me what to do, I do not understand why, I just do. For instance, why I cannot be "good" to myself, exercise regularly and not eat chocolate I do not know, but the truth is, I cannot, I have some need to "punish" myself for some unknown reason by not doing things I enjoy, like running, or doing things that are actively bad for me, like eating sugary stuff. But , when Dave tells me that I am to exercise regularly and not to eat chocolate, I do it. I am not saying it isn't hard, especially when you are a serious chocoholic, but it just works. If he sets the rules I can follow them, punkt (as they say here), full stop!

When I did fail recently, and, after a stressful day fighting my mother's computer gave in to my sugar cravings and ate a couple of biscuits and an After Eight or two, I was so upset, not as I was frightened about what he might "do", because I knew he would not be angry, but rather would be disappointed in me and I would prefer to 'cut off my right arm' rather than have him disappointed or displeased with me.

My mother was telling me recently that even as a small child I was always spending my pocket money to buy presents for other people and that (having just bought my sister a computer) it seems that I had not lost this habit. I told her that this was because I have always had this really deep seated need to please, to make people happy, even if it makes me unhappy, even deeply unhappy.

I still clearly have this need and doing things to make Dave happy makes me happy (even when it hurts or I don't like it) whether it is running, eschewing all forms of chocolate, being flogged or caned or making him a coffee, if he is pleased with me then I am in seventh heaven. In fact I'd do anything just to hear him say, "good girl". Yet if anyone else said those two words to me I'd bite the head off the patronising git!

I also need pain. Pain is my way of tuning out life and de-stressing. Why? Again I don't know, it just is and now I have accepted that it does not matter.

With Andrew I would often break the rules and misbehave to make him spank me, to give me that "bit". He did not like the inflicting of pain at all. With Dave, he spanks me because he likes to spank and because he knows I need it (and like it too, well some of the time as long as he does not use that damned loopy johnny from Leatherthorn paddles, how I hate/love that thing!). He also enjoys other forms of inflicting pain, and so I am also learning to enjoy the delicious art of sexual torture too.

It is strange mixing spanking and sex, I have always, perhaps artificially kept them separate, spanking being for discipline not for fun. But I am learning that they can mix, and mix quite well!

I have always felt extremely inadequate in the bedroom, mostly because for more than 10 years I was married to someone who firstly knew nothing about sex and secondly refused to talk about the subject as he found it embarrassing, unless of course he was drunk and was thus incapable. Being a submissive at heart made it extremely uncomfortable for me to talk to him about what he would like me to do or what I'd like him to do so I suffered in silence. With Andrew things were also a bit difficult because he did not really enjoy me pleasuring him and did not like to give me feedback on how I was doing so I became firmly convinced that I was unable to pleasure a man in bed. This did not really sit well with someone who has a high sex-drive as I do and I always seemed to feel dissatisfied.

Being with Dave has changed this completely, I know I'll not ever be really self-confident behind closed doors (or maybe open ones if that is what he wants) but my confidence really has increased. He has directed me from the start about what he likes, what I am to do and how I am to behave. Sure I can be creative and use my imagination but he sets down the ground rules and I operate within their boundaries. I have not had this much fun ever, even when I'm not allowed to play it is fun!

On a final note, and an unexpected one, this acceptance of me has had some interesting consequences on the work front. Dave asked me once, early on, if I found it difficult and tiring "Dom-ing" at work as this was clearly something that should make me uncomfortable.

Initially I thought, 'no of course not', but after some serious thought about the subject I realise that he was right. It takes serious mental effort to step out of my natural position and "Dom", and it makes me very tired, both emotionally and physically. I always used to blame myself for being inadequate or stupid when I could not "handle" something which I felt that I "should" be able to which just made the situation worse. Now I realise that this was just because my reactions were more sub-based than I realised. Well, now I know this I can devise strategies to cope with these situations. When you work in such a testosterone fuelled industry as I do these are inevitable and having some way of handling them is really useful and stopping beating myself up for being useless also makes a big difference. Positive energy is always better than negative.

So that is it, the end. It has taken a year or so but finally I have actually found what is actually the beginning of the path which I want to follow, the one that feels most "me". Sure there will be many bumps along the way, but this "me" feels much more able to meet these challenges head on.

Thanks for reading. I'll always answer e-mails.

Hil
xxx

Where have I been?

2008-12-04T20:08:00.005+01:00

You might well ask, I know my posting is often erratic, but it has been more than two weeks. No, it is not just that my (now advanced) age is showing and I am losing my marbles, at least I hope not!

The truth of the matter is that life has been more hectic than usual on work and home fronts. At work there have been three of my colleagues off sick or on holiday and me needing to cover for them and there is the usual year end panic to spend the last remaining budget that we have and the paperwork that is needed to achieve that.

On the home front, well there have been a number of family birthdays (7 out of my 8 immediate family members have their birthdays between mid October and Christmas), the fact that my mother has been ill for a while and last if not least it is of course also 'the season to be jolly', or not in my case as I find Christmas really stressful and upsetting. More so as we will be spending it in the Motherland so have needed to organise accommodation and flights for us all.

Christmas used to be a magical time for me when I was a kid, I loved it. But now it always seems to make me feel a total failure, everyone around me seems to be playing happy families and my kids cannot. So of course I try to make everything perfect and spoil them ridiculously to make up for this "failure of mine" and then feel exhausted, exploited and taken for granted. Maybe Scrooge was onto something.

On the BDSM front things are looking up a bit, I won't go into details for now, but what I can say is that I am both learning a lot about myself and enjoying it greatly. It is allowing me to release inhibitions that have been with me forever and that is a really good thing.

Hope that the run up to Christmas is smooth going for you all. I hope to post again before Christmas, but please do not hold your collective breaths.

Hil

One year older ...

2008-11-16T14:13:00.007+01:00

... and not a bit wiser or sensible!

But hey, I am enjoying all of that irresponsibility.

Life is mostly calm, only 2 out of 3 daughters have broken up with their boyfriends (OK then one boyfriend reconsidered and now they are all loved dovey again)! But despite these "disasters" all three of them remembered to call me to wish me a Happy Birthday, and on the actual day and I did not have to remind them, yippee.

I had a great meal out yesterday with friends (only one piece of cake was eaten, but it was my birthday!) and my house is now filled with some gorgeous flowers and some fantastic red vases which match my new kitchen perfectly.

I have been working hard on positive reinforcement to start dealing with my issues around my appearance. It is coming together slowly, but then the damage was done over a number of years so it will take a while to reprogramme.

However, I have saved the best news for last, I have after a break of far too many months, started running again (so far runs of 2.5km, 1.6km, 2.5km, 3.2km and 5km in the last week or so). This is thanks to some serious inspiration or was that incentives provided by a new Dom friend (you know who you are - thank you) and have also started back at the gym. So life is really feeling much better, the endorphin rush I get from exercise is almost, but not quite as good as the one from a serious spanking session! That said I'd take a good spanking over a run any time!!

Hil

LOL - Love Our Lurkers

2008-11-12T19:13:00.002+01:00

Dear All

Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts has designated yesterday/today as Love Our Lurkers Day, so I'd like to join in too. Even if you do not usually comment I'd love you to leave a short message introducing yourself.

Thanks and keep on reading.

Hil
-x-

Cravings

2008-11-10T20:13:00.003+01:00

Swan of the Herons wrote a great post a few days back about her "needing" to be spanked and it pretty much sums up my current feelings on the matter. It seems that the more days that go by since the last time, OK it is now 50 days, but who is counting, the more that I crave it, the more that I obsess about it.

Mental cravings I can cope with but this physical craving is weird, like an itch I just cannot scratch, I just cannot get my head around it. I also find myself dreaming about a birthday spanking a la Morningstar, (at least) one swat for each of my soon to be 42 years, must be the one and only time I'd want to be double that!

Hil

Well I'm learning, that is one positive thing ...

2008-11-04T22:11:00.006+01:00

Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster over the last couple of weeks, ups and downs coming from all directions, some expected and some not.

Sure it has been really hard but it has also been enlightening, it has forced me to confront some things about myself that I thought I had "done and dusted".

I have written here about learning to like myself for the first time and it is true that I have made amazing progress on this front. I used to have such a negative view of myself that it was veering towards the minum infinity end of the scale, now it is just creeping back into positive figures. One of the major pluses is the acceptance and even celebration of my particular kinks. I have come to understand that I "need" these in my life, even if it meant sacrificing someone I cared for very much. This is a major, major part of accepting the real me.

But, and I have realised that this is a BIG but, I still have major insecurities when it comes to my physical appearance, these insecurities caused me to make some really bad decisions over the last week. Decisions which showed me that I was verging on the paranoid. Decisions which showed me that I still have a long way to go in this area.

OK after a number of years of therapy I know where this comes from. Throughout the majority of my school life I was extremely badly bullied. The girls who were the main ring leaders were part of the "in-crowd", they were pretty and thin. I was not, but I was smarter than they were. So they could not "get" me for being stupid as I could outclass them in every academic subject you could care to think of.

So instead they "got" me for being fat, for being ugly, for wearing glasses, you name it every part of my body was "assassinated" in some way. When I "refused" to rise to the bait and pretended that I did not care they would physically bully me, pulling my clothes about or covering them in chalk dust and making me look as untidy as possible. They would keep me out of the classroom at break or lunch time so that I always had to rush to collect my stuff after the bell had rung and was thus always being accused by the teachers of being scruffy, disorganised and constantly late for lessons.

When I was 18 the brother of my best-friends' boyfriend got drunk and tried to persuade me to let him grope me and sleep with him. I told him that if he was really interested in me he could ask me that question again, when he was sober and he professing "undying" love for me agreed to meet me two nights later, in the pub which my friends and I used to frequent. Of course he did not turn up that night nor the next three nights, so I was right, I knew I was not attractive to "men".

When I was 21 I got my first serious boyfriend, we met in the amateur operatics society where I had a lot of fun flirting with this "tall, dark, handsome pirate" whilst I was in character as "one of the damsels-in-distress". This on-stage flirting turned into a real relationship off stage and I was really flattered when he dumped his girlfriend so he could go out with me. We were together for 3 1/2 years and he did introduce me to sex, but only sex with the light off. The trouble was that he had a "thing" for rescuing damsels and during this time he had affairs with two other women, one of whom was old enough to be my mother .

He begged me to forgive him each time and promised that he would not do it again, but then told me that although he had not initially had a problem with my "size" that he did actually have a "minor" issue with it. Of course this completely knocked my confidence and I forgave him and took him back. Finally, I realised that this was not a healthy relationship for me and that as he did not want children and I did that I had to get out.

Not long after this, with my self-image at an all time low, I met the man who would become my husband. He had so many "issues" himself it was not true, but believing that I did not deserve to have someone decent and being sure that no other man would want me I agreed to marry him. Things, as I have written in earlier posts, went downhill from there and my self-image continued to spiral down with them.

After a long, long struggle, involving his alcoholism, his court cases, my breakdown and thoughts of suicide, and much, much more. I finally managed to extricate myself from the mess which he had dragged me into, divorce him and rise "phoenix-like" from the ashes.

Like the phoenix I too have changed at least from the outside point of view, I have lost weight, got my teeth straightened, started running etc but these have not altered the way that I see myself, inside I still see that fat/ugly girl that was bullied all those years ago and who believed what they said.

No matter how many times people, even those I trust, tell me that I am fine, that I have fanstastic eyes, a great bust, a spankable backside etc, I cannot believe them. I can believe that they like my intelligence, my sense of humour, my bank balance etc but I cannot believe that they really like how I look. Anyone who does must be certifiable (call the men in white coats) or their motives are suspect (they want my brain for medical science, or just want sex) or they are just far to nice to tell me the truth (okay you guys know who you are). Whatever, they cannot possibly want to date me, can they?

The answer is, yes a few actually might want that and I need to learn to believe them and not to push them away with my paranoia. If only it were that simple.

OK, it is not simple, but I am sure as hell going to work at it.

... or maybe not

2008-11-02T13:34:00.001+01:00

I am such a fool

Every cloud has a silver lining ...

2008-10-31T19:32:00.005+01:00

Well as I said my life was moving in a positive direction, but I did not know exactly how positive. Just when you think that you have everything"under control", and you know how much I like to do that, things take an unexpected turn.

I have been registered on a couple of BDSM dating sites, well a girl's gotta try hasn't she, for a few weeks now. As is the norm even with vanilla dating 95% of the people who have contacted me have a) not actually read my profile, b) despite that they still profess their undying love for me or c) are not even remotely like the sort of man I am looking for. For the remaining 5% most have actually read the profile and write to say that they liked it or make a small comment, sometimes I have exchanged a few e-mails with them or chatted online but none of them so far have really fitted the bill, nor have I fitted theirs. So while chatting with like minded kinksters is nice I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will not find anyone and that actually I am OK with that because it is so much nice living just with me now I like myself more.

It seems that the gods were smiling on me as pretty much as soon as I decided that being single again was a great idea, I got a contact from someone, really, truly, different. What he wrote to me was completely unlike any response I had received before and actually sent shivers running up and down my spine, something about not only what he was writing but the way that he was saying it leaped out from the page. Sure he had read my profile, but he had also analysed it in a really detailed way and wrote to argue a "couple of philosophical points" in it with me and to tell me what her really thought I meant when I wrote it. Wow and double wow, I thought, and wrote back.

Over the next day or so we had an extensive e-mail exchange and I really enjoyed the good natured "sparring", his teasing of me and his sense of humour which really seemed to match mine. Considering that he was doing all that "stuff" on many and varied topics in a language which is not his native tongue is all the more surprising.

We swapped Messenger IDs and chatted on-line about very many things, we found so much that we have in common both with our kinks and our vanilla lives and then we talked on the phone for 9 hours straight, all through the night until the next morning. The best thing is that he lives just 45 minutes drive south of me.

I have to admit to a "mild" obsession with the movie Mamma Mia, OK I just love that movie and have been to see it twice in the cinema, have the DVD on pre-order and have been trying to find an excuse to see it again. Sadly for him the poor guy had mentioned that he liked ABBA, so I decided that this was of course THE perfect excuse, also he had not heard of the movie at all so clearly needed to be "educated". He also decided that I need some "education" in German, so naturally the perfect solution was to go and see Mamma Mia but in German!

In person he was even more charming and we did have a lovely evening, he loved the movie too.

It is early days yet, but I can tell you I cannot wipe the smile off my face.

Hil

All Change

2008-10-29T18:31:00.002+01:00

To all that read here regularly I am sorry that I have not been posting much, many things are in a great state of flux at the moment.

To all who don't read here, hey, you don't know what you are missing !!

As you all know I have been on a voyage of discovery and it seems that I have finally arrived to the place where I have come to both accept and start to like myself, kinks and all.

Unfortunately in the course of this voyage the things which I have realised that I need to have in my life, specifically from my partner are things that Andrew cannot and never will be able to give me; Safety, Dominance, Control and feeding of my masochistic tendencies.

Thus, finally we have parted ways as I did not feel that I really could continue to "pay" daily for the fact that I did not love him enough to give up these things that he could not give to me. Nor could he really cope with the reality of polyamory, as no matter what I would say he would always consider himself to be second best and that is not a role which he wanted to take. Thus I felt it would be better if I were to "free" him to walk another path, not the one with me where his "inadequacies" would be shoved in his face daily.

I am sad in some ways, because he is very hurt and understandably so, but glad in others because I had to invest a huge amount of one-sided effort into the relationship in order to make it work. He has helped me find my way to the path, that I am now happily following, and for that I am extremely grateful, but it is time for us to go our separate ways and move on.

Things for me continue to move in a positive direction, but more of that another day, for now I'll just end with a public thank-you to Andrew for helping me to find myself and to express my regrets that he lost me in the process.

Hil

Life, the Universe and Everything ...

2008-10-20T20:34:00.009+02:00

I am a great fan of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and I am fast approaching the age which is the Ultimate Answer to the Question of "Life, the Universe and Everything".

So, I have been seeing if I can come up with my own answer to that question, I mean if a bunch of mice can manage it surely I can too. What does Life, the Universe and Everything mean for me?

In the past I would have found it so easy to answer the above question:

Life, the Universe and Everything = my children

And even now of course they are clearly the most important part of it, indeed life revolves around them (as does the Universe and Everything, at least as far as they, themselves are concerned!). Now instead of having removed myself completely from that equation I would now probably say it was something like this:

Life, the Universe and Everything = my children + me

Sure, most of what I have done and will continue to do, at least for the next few years until they complete university and leave the nest (please God!) involves making sure that they are happy, have the best start possible in life, a good education and a loving home (open 24/7, all mod cons and maid service available naturally, ha!). But in addition to all that I have been starting to think about what I want, for me, both in this transition phase while they are still growing and in the long term.

The path I have been following since the revelations of the summer has been quite rocky, I've had to face up to, my "darker" side, to the impact that the needs of this newly understood side has had on those close to me and to the challenges of actually allowing myself to admit to these needs.

Why is that a challenge, well I have spent the last 20 or so years doing things for everyone else (kids, partners, ex-husband, my family, his family, friends etc) and putting myself last in the list and it feels a bit weird to "see" my name so near the top of that same list now and not to associate this with any feelings of guilt. It is hard to explain why I used to feel guilty about doing things for myself, but I did, I suppose it was wrapped up in my total lack of self-confidence and self-worth, I was so awful that I did not deserve to do anything good for me so that if I did then I felt guilty. Stupid really, but that was really how I felt.

However, I do not feel like that now, I will always put my children, at least while they are still children, first, but now I come a close second!

Now I am happy and comfortable to be me, I have accepted who I am, warts and all and I am at peace with that. Even though I now understand what, or actually who, it is I need and I have written a number of posts over the last few months explaining this, I realise that (at least at the moment) I can actually live with the distinct probability that I will not find him. I think I can actually be happy just to be me and to LIKE being me.

Liking myself is such a weird feeling, I could really get used to it!

So perhaps 42 (years) is after all the answer, the answer to when one understands "Life, the Universe and Everything".

So long and thanks for all the FISH (Freindship In the Syber Hemispere!)

Hil

P.S. OK it's cyber but it didn't fit, call it artistic license!

P.P.S I'm not leaving either, I'll be back soon.

I'm back or rather we are ...

2008-10-15T20:28:00.003+02:00

... the bug and I, it has me good and proper in its grip. Oh it is so clever, during the day it just raises its ugly head a few times but come the night I cough so much I even wake myself up, which is a serious pain as I find it near impossible to get to sleep because I am coughing too much, grrrr!

Life is weird at the moment a big mix of positives and negatives:

+ I have realised that for the first time in a long time, actually, the first time ever, I am actually comfortable being me, warts and all.

- Things are not going well with Andrew, OK so I only have myself to blame, but it is hard going.

- Due to various reasons (e.g. needing to spend one week in three out of the country for work), I have reluctantly decided to send my little one to boarding school like his sisters next year. So we went to visit a prospective school whilst on holiday, we both liked the place and the close, warm family atmosphere and the child led educational philosphies they follow. So he spent a couple of taster days and one night there and not only did he love it to bits, they also loved him to bits. They have very small classes so he will get all the individual attention he needs to reach his considerable potential, he is one seriously smart cookie e.g. he has a reading/spelling age of 11 and he is not yet 7 and his current school cannot really stretch him as he is so far in advance of all his classmates and they have to teach to their level and not his. The new school has less kids in the whole school than his current school has in just his own year group and they only have a dozen or so kids who actually board. The atmosphere is warm and welcoming and just like a close knit family so I know he will be fine and get enough attention. In fact, he is absolutely thrilled and keeps telling everyone about it. However, his mother is not coping well despite knowing all this, knowing that there are good reasons for him to go, because he is after all still my 'baby'.

+ 2 of my kids have had their birthdays and I managed to "get" my youngest by turning up with the complete family and a birthday cake or two and throwing a surprise party at her school, she had thought I was at home in Germany. You should have seen her face, priceless!

- my search for a new partner is not going well, I am probably too picky and demanding, but I suppose it is early days, there are some weirdos out there though!! (Anyone who knows a nice dominant guy who likes to spank and would love to take care of a mad rocket scientist, please could you point them in my direction (;-))

+ even though the lovely Bill has left Germany now, he might just have to pop back here for a quick visit to tie off all the lose ends, yay!

- Well I am off to cough myself to sleep once more and to try to drown the bug in cough syrup! Watch out he doesn't get you too...

Hil

Holiday Blues

2008-10-09T21:55:00.002+02:00

No I've not disappeared, I'm just on holiday. Having lots of fun with my niece who is a cutie pie. The only trouble is I've developed a nasty cough which I just cannot shake. Why do I always get sick on my holidays, it is not fair, grr, whinge, whinge.

More as soon as I am back, if the cough doesn't get me of course!

Hil

Random Musings and Sadness

2008-09-23T21:38:00.004+02:00

Andrew is having a hard time coping with the new dynamics in our relationship, he does not like the fact that I am no longer mothering him and he most definitely does not like that I am seeing other men, even though at the moment it is not for anything long term. So he is being exceeding unpleasant to me at the moment. He spends every evening going round in circles explaining how it is all my fault that I need a dominant (I know this) and that I have ruined his dreams of marriage etc, etc (I know this too). He wants to spend hours repeating the same discussions about how in theory the relationship will work if I bring a new partner into the dynamic. I say there is no point in talking theory as a) I do not have someone yet (and probably never will) and b) the actual dynamic will depend on the individual so there is no point in wasting time worrying about it until it happens. I know he is hurting but I do not know how to handle all this, it just feels like I am having salt rubbed into an open wound again and again.

In addition to that September is always a difficult month for me as it is the anniversary of my father's death. This year marks 15 years since he died and I can hardly believe how much has changed since then. In 1993 I was the mother of a 11 month old baby girl and was 4th months pregnant with my second child. Now I am the mother of 4 with my oldest about to turn 16.

How my father would have loved to see my children grow up, he was crazy about my first born and spoiled her rotten, he would not let me push her in her stroller when he was about, he insisted on pushing his granddaughter himself, sometimes even my mother could not get a look in!

As I have written before one of the things that I particularly need in a partner is someone who makes me feel safe and secure, I need to have boundaries to push against to be sure that they are there, consequences when I break the rules and someone else to take the reigns out of my hands so I can rest. All these things define safety for me. For my children and Andrew I am the person who fulfils that role, I make them feel safe, I organise their lives, make sure everything runs smoothly and that they want for nothing. As the oldest child I also feel that it is my role to also take care of my mother and my "little" sister (OK so she is nearly 39 but she is still my baby sister) and her family and to protect them all. But I have no-one to do that for me. I have to fight my own battles, I have to be constantly on guard and I never have any down time. Someone always needs something from me.

Yesterday with all of this sadness and hurt rolling around in my head and more than a few tears rolling down my cheeks I realised that the last time I actually felt safe was in September 1993 when my father was still alive. He was the person whom I trusted to protect me from harm even though I was a 25-year-old woman and mother of (nearly) 2 then. I'm nearly 42 now and have survived for fifteen years without him but I still have such a strong need to find someone else who can make me feel that way again. Silly isn't it.

Got Spanked - Hooray

2008-09-22T19:25:00.002+02:00

As you know I am currently dealing with a serious obsession about spanking, yes I know that I want a full time Dominant Sadist to take me on, but as I said in the short term I'd make do with a damn good spanking.

Thus after all the upsets of last week with my problems with the "less than honest" Mike I'll now have to eat at least some of my words (only the small ones OK, nothing too major or indigestible) and admit that internet dating sites also can have their good points. On one of these I have recently "met" an American guy who is working temporarily in a city about a half hour drive south of me. He was clear in his profile that he did not want a permanent relationship, and as he has to return home to the States that would not be possible anyway, but he clearly has a sense of humour so I sent him a cheeky e-mail asking if he'd like to spank me. Outrageous behaviour I know, but a girl's gotta try!

We exchanged a number of e-mails and found that we share a similar sense of humour and work in similar professions. I directed him to the blog as a good place to get to know me and he was very complimentary about it. Well I'm a sucker for a compliment so we decided that it would be fun to meet for dinner and a chat.

Although I do have vanilla friends that know about my lifestyle I really would like to have "real" rather than cyber friend to talk about BDSM things with, in addition advice from an exerienced Dom is always useful. He had galantly offered to actually spank me in one e-mail as he said that "I was clearly a Damsel-in-Distress" and a good Knight "could not let a lady suffer now could he"! However, we decided to see how we got on before deciding whether we would play a little together.

Well, we had dinner yesterday evening and it was lovely. He was a perfect gentleman, not only did he hold the umbrella over my head as we walked as it was raining he also paid for dinner, which I was not expecting and opened the car door for me to get in. I cannot rememer the last time I have been with such an attentive gentleman.

We did hit it off after I got past my usual shyness and he agreed to take me home and administer the spanking that I have been craving for some time. He was kind and gentle (apart from the spanking bit at which he was very proficcient!) and really helped to put me at my ease. I was nervous as anything as this was only the second "play" session of my life.

As I said he was an excellent spanker, and also a very "caring" and sensual sadist who made sure that I was coping with everything and was not too nervous. He easily managed to get me into "masochist subspace heaven" and I spaced out for a while. Sadly several of my implements did not fare so well and will not live to see another spanking. I really need to order some better quality ones as long as I do not have to visit the German Customs Office again (see here for that story)!

I very much enjoyed our play time and the time he took with the aftercare and snuggling afterwards. It is a shame that they have found someone to do his job here permanently, I'd love him to stay nearby. Nevertheless, I hope we can meet again before he has to return to other side of the pond.

Thank you Bill, you have restored my faith in man-kind.

Hil

Important Petition

2008-09-22T13:40:00.002+02:00

Dear Readers

Raheretic from The Heron Clan, has in a recent post drawn my attention to a petition to have the DSM which identifies anyone who enjoys BDSM or even "just"adult consensual spanking and Domestic Discipline as having a "mental disorder", changed. Please see the above linked post and the quoted text below. I would encourage all of my readers to sign the petition, you can hide your name from display in the petition if you wish.

"The NCSF, National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, that advocacy arm of the BDSM and polyamory community, is mounting a campaign to influence the A.P.A. to change the DSM to conform to empirical research, and abandon the stigma and ignorance based biases it has relied on in its past pronouncements about BDSM. NCSF has done an excellent job in laying out the case for how inappropriate this is in their "White Paper" on this topic.

There is a petition to the A.P.A. to change how it deals with our lifestyle. Please sign the petition urging the A.P.A. to make this change."

Hil

Where am I ?

2008-09-21T10:45:00.006+02:00

Good question, huh!

It is easily answered in the literal sense as I am sitting at my laptop which is in my kitchen, in my house, which is located in a small village in the middle of Germany, Europe, the World!

In the metaphysical sense is is anything but simple, and I do not know the answer to that question at all. After a lot of soul searching, much thought and a fair few posts, I have finally decided where to go next. The trouble is how to get there. If any of you happen to have a map showing me the correct / easiest / shortest way that would be extremely helpful.

In the short term my need to get spanked, to defuse some of the building stress, is what seems to be mostly on my mind, in truth I am totally obsessing about it. I was helping friends to move house yesterday and whilst moving one of the bags I managed to whip myself on the ear with an old riding whip, I know must have been really clever to achieve this by accident, you had to be there!!! It of course hurt like mad but sadly it drew my attention towards the whip and thus I spent the next few hours fantasising about it being applied to my backside, aaahhh, help someone!

On the other hand obsessing about spanking has had some benefits as it has managed to take my mind off the upset caused by Mike last week and the court case against my ex which is coming up next week.

The trouble is the long term, I know that it is not just about spanking, it is much, much more than that, I really need to find that dominant, controlling man. I really, really need to find someone to submit to, to set boundaries, to give me a place where I feel safe.

And there is the rub, all this "stuff" that I need makes "dating" much more difficult, it makes you much more vulnerable and more open to hurt because you need to expose your "soft underbelly", at least a bit. How do you do this and avoid the Mikes of this world at the same time? Answers on a postcard please ...

... on the other hand getting spanked right now would let the pressure off a bit, wouldn't it!

Submissive ≠ Stupid

2008-09-17T18:56:00.005+02:00

I am absolutely hopping mad at the moment, it seems that there are some people out there that seem to think that because I am a submissive that I am also stupid.

For these particular idiots I have a special news flash ...

SUBMISSIVE DOES NOT EQUAL STUPID !

If I am going to meet in person someone that I have first met on the internet then obviously, I am going to take certain precautions to ensure my own safety. Firstly I am going to use a safecall for the actual meeting so that if I do not check in with a friend by a certain time then that friend is going to call the Police and give them all the details about the meeting place. Secondly, before (and after) I get to that point I will also use all my considerable resources (and modesty!) to verify that the person who I am meeting/have met is who they say they are and that the information that they provide to me is accurate. This is common sense if you are a woman, especially one trying to find a BDSM based relationship at the "wrong" end of the whip.

Suffice it to say that I have been chatting to someone online and by phone for a couple of weeks and I actually met him in person when on business in London last week. He seemed very nice, although a little older than the photo on the website (should have rung warning bells perhaps, but middle aged men can be so vain at times). We talked for a while and he did demonstrate that he understood the sort of relationship dynamics that I was looking for (you know the ones!), having had a relationship like that before. So after a pleasant evening, with a teensy bit of spanking, albeit over clothes, thrown in, we agreed to see each other again.

He explained at some length then and subsequently over the phone, that his life was rather busy at present, but that he was working on freeing up some more time to enjoy himself and also a potential partner. All very promising I hear you say, but, I have a suspicious, some may say devious mind and thus continued the online researching which I had started before we met.

Well to cut a long story short this research led me to a "minor" inaccuracy in his story. Well minor to the extent that he seems to have "forgotten" when describing his family to mention that he has a daughter. In truth, actually he told me that he did not have any children and shared with me an extremely moving story about his previous girlfriend who had aborted their child leaving him devastated.

To be fair this whole story may not have been either a lie or an embellishment, he might not actually have a daughter. The trouble is if he doesn't have one then he is instead lying on Ebay where he is selling the car he "bought for his daughter in May" because she has "gone back to college".

Actually it does not matter, either way he is a liar and is thus not to be trusted.

So to steal a phrase from a popular British quiz show,

"Mike, you are the Weakest Link, Goodbye".

Where to next - part 3 - Masochism

2008-09-11T20:10:00.005+02:00

To paraphrase the famous Bard, "to spank or not to spank that is the question ..."

At the end of the last part of this saga I wrote that I believed that if I found a partner with that "dominant" streak that I could live without the spanking part. However, a close friend of mine, on reading that post in the blog challenged me, over a nice cup of Yorkshire Tea (best kind of tea in the world!), to tell him if that was really true. Apparently when I talk about spanking in both forms, both the disciplinary mode and the "masochist subspace" version, it is clear that I am very passionate about the benefits of the whole experience and sort of glow with a sort of inner contentment. Thus he was not sure that I really could do without something that he said seems to feed my "inner self" so deeply.

I have struggled with this question over the last few weeks, on the one hand, I do actually think it is true that I could probably live without it, BUT that said, in true "having it all" mode, I would obviously like to have both dominance and spanking! A girls gotta try, hasn't she, who says I can't have my cake AND eat it!

I have been thinking hard about this over the last week or so and the best sort of explanation that I can come up with is the following.

On an intellectual level I can easily rationalise giving up spanking if I have a true dominant to care for me and direct my life. The trouble is that I have come to realise more and more in the last few days that my need to be spanked is also very strongly rooted in the physical and emotional levels.

I need the emotional connection that a good spanking gives, I need to know that my partner cares for me so much that they set the boundaries, make sure that they are enforced and should it be necessary to "give up their time" to administer any necessary discipline. I want to be able to push at these boundaries and feel that they are safe and secure around me, protecting me.

On the physical level, the true masochist in me I suppose I would have to say, has been experiencing a real physical yearning or craving to be spanked. Naturally I have had intellectual or emotional cravings, as a chocoholic having tried a number of unsuccessful diets it is hard not to, but this is the first time I have felt such a deep truly physical yearning. It is like a sort of dull ache, an itch that you cannot scratch, that just does not go away, it just sits there growing steadily, especially when I am feeling stressed or upset. I feel like a bottle of Coke that someone is shaking, they are shaking it oh so gently, but I know that eventually I am going to explode unless someone takes off the lid and allows the pressure to dissipate.

So, can I really live without being spanked?

The answer, I suppose is, probably not, especially if I do not want to make a mess on the carpet!

Where to next - part 2 - Dominance

2008-09-03T21:20:00.006+02:00

Dominance, what does it mean? Well Dictionary.com gives the following definition:

dom·i·nance ,noun

1.	rule; control; authority; ascendancy.

2.	the condition of being dominant.

3.	Psychology. the disposition of an individual to assert control in dealing with others.

Point 3 just about sums it up for me "the disposition of an individual to assert control in dealing with others". How do I know, well because I have met Raheretic and there is just "something" about a true dominant which allows you to know with absolute certainty that he is a dominant and has a "disposition-to-assert-control". He has a tangible presence, an attitude and bearing rather than a physical presence which just lets you know this. It is not a sort of "malign" influence where you feel unexpectedly frightened in his presence, actually you do not at all feel that way, in fact you feel completely secure. I'm sure most women have met men who frightened them or made them really uncomfortable, yet there was no real overt reason for this to be so, it was not like this at all.

Until this point I can say that I had never met a true dominant. During all of our IM, phone and e-mail contact with the Herons there was just "something" about Raheretic that I could not explain. One way to explain it is that I never really used the designation "Sir" to refer to Andrew, it has always seemed a little silly, theatrical or OTT for me, but, I found that in my head I wanted to say "Sir" when I talked to Raheretic, even though I did not do so out loud because at that time it still seemed a little strange to me.

One one of our first evenings in an attempt to improve his techniques Andrew asked to try out several of Raheretic's paddles. It was a bizarre situation for me, the first time, excepting my regular visits to German saunas which are clothes free, where I had ever been either naked in front of "strangers" or spanked in public. Andrew and Raheretic discussed spanking techniques and demonstrated upon me while I was lying over Andrew's knee. Then Raheretic told me to stand up and bend over the bench, he explained that when he was in charge I was to do exactly what he said, I was to stand where he said, do as I was told immediately and was not to speak or move unless he gave me permission. I then got to sample a number of different paddles, though I am not really sure which ones as I could not see!. The paddling was exceedingly painful and it was all I could do to hang onto the bench and stand still, I was clutching the bench for dear life until my knuckles were white. But it just did not occur to me to move, painful as it was, I would not have done so because Raheretic had told me not to. It was as simple as that.

The following night I got to experience Swan's beloved flogging frame, it is a great piece of design, has both artistic form and function as both an item of furniture and an instrument of torture, which as an engineer I appreciated greatly. Actually as a masochist I appreciated it's functional form a great deal too!

First Raheretic gave Swan a flogging which she has described here better than I ever could. It was incredible to see their chemistry, their closeness, their togetherness in action, their love for each other just radiated out into the room. This was amazing but I experienced something I did not expect, I have never seen anyone else spanked/flogged and even though Swan seemed to be enjoying it, even revelling in it, I found that I could not watch, I had to close my eyes because it upset me to the point that it made me cry, I can't really explain it other than I felt like it would have been easier for me to have been standing there in her place, taking her pain for her rather than watching her experience it, and I do not mean that I was jealous and wanted to be spanked instead of her, more that I wanted to take away her pain, to "save" her from it, even though I know that she too is a masochist and was enjoying it.

Then it was my turn and I stepped up onto the frame. There were almost no words exchanged between Raheretic and me, I just knew what I was supposed to do, he had told me once the night before and there was no need for him to tell me again, I was just to stand on that frame, keep still and do as I was told.

I know that he went through all manner of implements, floggers, whips, canes, quirts etc of varying weights and designs, he also used I believe a knife and a Wartenburg wheel (at least that is what Andrew told me later), many of them made me want to scream with pain (but I was also aware that I could not do this as it might to upset the neighbours, being quiet was one of the rules that Raheretic had mentioned the night before too), I was sobbing my heart out at several points, crying silently in others, I know that I was holding onto the frame for dear life, one slightly surreal moment was when I realised the downside of perfectly manicured, false nails, they are just not at all sharp and thus you cannot dig them into your palms to help cope with the pain (I know I was really trying!). I also tried most if not all of the pain distraction techniques I had learned whilst in labour having my 4 kids, but the pain was worse than childbirth "au naturelle" and they just did not distract me. But despite all of the above I did not want it to end. I just knew that I was going to stand there and do as He had said, it would not have occurred to me to disobey him in any way. It was not that I would not have dared to because I was frightened, it was just that this was just not an option. I suppose I could have yelled at him to stop, not that he would have done of course as he is a sadist, but I just would not and could not have done so.

I did not know how long it lasted, 30 mins or so was Andrew's estimate. At some point I finally entered what I believe is called "subspace", I could still feel the pain, was still connected to it but at the same time I was floating somewhere up on the ceiling and did NOT want to come down, NO way NO how.

And then suddenly it was over, I recall Raheretic telling me that he thought I had had enough. In my head I was screaming "NO, please DON'T stop" but I could not have verbalised those thoughts even if I had tried. It was the longest, most incredibly painful session I have ever had combined with being the most amazing, mind blowing experience of my entire 41 years. In some ways even more mind blowing than giving birth, because I was not expecting it to be like that.

This is what dominance means to me, it is personality, attitude and presence. After that one 30 minutes I just knew that I wanted, no needed, to have someone in my life who could "do" that to me, to make me feel and act that way.

I am not talking here about the flogging, nor am I implying that I "fell in love" with Raheretic, because I did not (lovely though he is!), I am talking about finally "getting it", finally understanding that what I need in my life is a strong, dominant man.

I struggled with this issue for several days and finally talked it over with Raheretic, telling him that I had realised I finally understood that what I truly crave, a true dominant man to be in control. Even if that man never, ever, spanked me, even though I would be really sad I could live with it, as long as he had that Dominant "je ne sais pas" thing that makes me go weak at the knees when I hear his voice.

That thing that Raheretic has and Andrew does not, that thing that I now know I cannot do without. Sure if he were to be a dominant as well as a sadist who likes to spank then that would be great, as long as he is a Dominant with a capital 'D' then that is OK by me.

Hil

More hurt and upset, why can't life be simple?

2008-09-01T20:02:00.004+02:00

Andrew was here briefly over the weekend, coming to collect the kids and accompany them back to school and like the gentleman he is, he offered to spank me. I wasn't sure what to do with that offer as I know that the level of pain I need him to inflict to do me any good is not the level that he is comfortable with, he just likes a little playful light spanking, not the full on flogging that I want. The trouble was that it has been more than 3 weeks since I last had a decent spanking and I was just craving a good long and hard session. In short I just could not say no and in addition a friend had bought me a nice paddle/tawse cross sort of thing as a present from Amsterdam and I wanted to try it out. Well in the past I have said that what I really like is a good hard flogging with style and finesse, but failing that brute force will just have to do. This time it didn't, I do not know whether it was the fact that I haven't been spanked for so long and have gone all wimpy, or that I know that Andrew is really unhappy hurting me or just that my head just isn't right at the moment, but it was a disaster for me, it just left me feeling frustrated, angry and on edge. It was not Andrew's fault at all, I should just have said no.

The trouble is that I have this real physical longing my whole body aches with a craving to be spanked, it isn't just a mental thing it has a huge physical part, like an itch that I can't scratch and it is driving me insane. I was so desperate with this feeling that I even found myself sending an e-mail to a random stranger (on one of the BDSM dating sites that I have joined to look for a new partner) and asking if he wants to give me a damn good spanking, just because he is a dominant, he lives nearby and likes to spank, I must be crazy. The trouble is I am also desperate to be spanked and I do not know what to do.

So Monday morning rolls around, I am stressed because of the failed spanking of Saturday night, but mostly coping and then my stupid ex-husband upsets the apple cart again.

Today the Police took him to court to take out an order banning him from certain dangerous behaviour that he has been indulging in, instead of just accepting the order he decided to fight it, so I am forced to have to fight him in court.

Although they have said I can prepared a written submission for the police to introduce on my behalf they would prefer me to be in court to represent myself and counter any argument he might have. So I have to face him again and I don't think I can. But I want him out of my life and the lives of my children and it seems that the best way for me to ensure this is to go to court, oh hell, I do not want to have to do this, I don't think I am up to it, but what choice do I have? Why can't he just drop dead and make my day.

Finally as not to end on a negative note, I have been chatting (on-line and off) to a lovely British guy called Mike, one of the few sane people that I have met from the above mentioned dating sites, he is sane as he actually read all through my profile and did not just try to send me pictures of his genitalia. So far we seem to be hitting it off, he has listened to me rambling about all my issues, listened to me fantasising about his whips and the like and he does seem to understand where I am coming from. Wish me luck as we try to deepen our friendship.

That's it for now, I'll try to post part 2 of the "Where to now?" on Domination and what it means to me later in the week if real life doesn't get in the way and I have some strength left after writing the letter to the court.

Hil

Where to next ?

2008-08-31T22:40:00.001+02:00

So after all the upheaval and soul searching of the last few weeks where exactly do I go from here? I know the "easy" part about what I need in my life to make me feel happy, safe and secure; dominance, control and Masochism (pain), but these are simple words to bandy about but what do they mean in practice, how do or can they fit with my version of real life. As we know real life has a real knack of getting in the way of your desires and my real life is a it more complicated than a lot of peoples, oh for a desert island, a hammock and a bit of peace and quiet!!

In order that I can share with a potential new partner, what all the above means to me I have been thinking around the subjects of Control, Dominance and Masochism as how can I tell them what I need if I do not know myself.

Thus with no further ado I'll move onto my definition of control.

I suppose control is something that I find very important as in the rest of my life I am a total control freak. Perhaps this is why I need so strongly in my private life someone else to be in control. For me having someone in control of me is a real turn on. But they really must be in control and not just because I say so. This was of course how Andrew and I survived, he pretended to be in control and I let him think he was, well some of the time I did, the rest of the time I bottomed from the top or just plain mothered him. This was not a turn on at all as I have already got 4 kids and did not need another. I suppose the est way of summarising this is to say that I do not want the famous sign "I'm the boss in this house and I have my wife's permission to say so" anywhere in my home. I want to know that in my home I am loved and protected by a man who is strong and powerful enough to be in control. He'd need to be pretty strong and powerful to control someone like me

To date I have obviously picked the wrong kind of guys, e.g. my ex-husband could never have been in control of me, he was not capable, it would have most probably have been disastrous for us as a family if I had let him (e.g. he was an alcoholic) and actually he would not have dared anyhow. Andrew though poles apart from my ex, was made for the above sign, he was only the one in control because I let him be. That said we did play a lot of mind games based on control which I did enjoy, e.g he used to insist that I wear a butt plug or no knickers to work if I had misbehaved to remind me "who was the boss". But, the trouble was that I would go along with "his demands" to maintain the fiction of him being in control rather than because I was truly concerned about the consequences if I did not do as I was told. He tried set the "boundaries" for the relationship because I asked him to, but he did not enforce them, well not unless he was really angry with me. On a few occasions as I have recounted before he did actually spank me against my will for whatever transgression, and as he is 6'2" and about 22 stone he was easily able to overpower me and hold me down even when I was kicking and screaming and telling him no. The ironic thing is that these were of course the most erotic times for me, as I felt that even for a short while he would finally turn into a "real" man. The spankings at this time were often more painful too which made it better from that respect too. Unfortunately, as has been pointed out to me by my Raheretic, this was also the time when I was in real danger as it is not smart to allow someone who cannot control their temper to spank you.

What I really need is someone who does all this because he wants it, he sets the boundaries (OK really these are jointly negotiated as every relationship has two parties, but he of course gets the final say), he decides the consequences and carries them out, if necessary. As far as I can see, and understand from talking to other people, these consequences should not usually be necessary if I have a truly dominant man because I will not need to push at the boundaries to test and see if they are secure, I will just know that they are and of course secondly I will not dare as I will know I cannot escape the consequences! Of course there will always be the times when I act like a brat as we all have our off days but with real consequences they should not be too often. Given my masochistic side I would probably want to also get what some people term "good girl" spankings if I have been good or regular "submissive spankings" to remind me who is in charge just so that I do not feel the need to break the rules just to get spanked.

I do fantasise (and have nightmares) about having someone that I trust to give this level of control to. I'd have to trust that person implicitly to give up that control as I could not be happy nor safe and secure if I was not certain that I could trust them to have my best interests at heart. One thing that goes hand in hand with trust in this type of power exchange relationship is respect. This is what what missing in my relationship with Andrew, I trust him implicitly but I do not respect him in a lot of ways, e.g.he is disorganised, has absolutely no common sense, dresses like a tramp, has no practical skills, does not know how to behave in public and is constantly sarcastic particularly to my two older daughters who hate it. Without respect as well as trust there is no point in giving someone else control, especially when you know that you will not face any real consequences if you step out of line.

I suppose a lot of people thing that it is a bit "wimpy" or cowardly or shirking responsibility to want to give control to someone else. But despite and perhaps because I have not followed a traditional role up to now being more "masculine" in perspective being the major bread winner, being a rocket scientist not to mention single parent of 4 etc, etc I do have the traditional view of how it should be inside the home. The man is the boss and takes charge and the woman follows, yes she has a responsibility to speak up and give her opinion/share her experience, provided she does it in a proper manner, she is NOT a doormat but he gets to make the final decision. In addition to that I do find being the man and the woman, the mum and dad all the time is very tiring and I've had to do that through periods of stress that would have floored most people, I suppose I want the chance to relax and take back my traditional feminine role and be the caring, nurturing wife and mother. I know I'll still have to keep the masculine side at work, someone has to pay the bills, and to deal with the kids if they misbehave but the rest of the time I can be a "real" woman.

I suppose in short, damn the feminists, I want men to be allowed to be men without being required to deny their dominant natures and women to be women and allowed not to have to act like men.

Hil

Voyages ctd

2008-08-22T20:05:00.012+02:00

As usual real life intervened somewhat as it has a tendency to do and thus the second part of our trip description has been a little delayed, sorry, here it is.

Conversely to the confusion that I have already mentioned that Andrew was suffering, for the first time in a long time I was awash with complete clarity, I could identify at last the "thing" which was missing from my life, the 'attentions' of a true dominant preferably also one who is also a sadist who likes to spank. In short I want to live in a relationship where my partner is the dominant male, where I can not 'top from the bottom' as the saying goes, I enjoy being submissive to a dominant male. If he also likes to spank me to the point where I can enter that blissful state of sub-space again then that would be heaven.

Unfortunately my elation was also becoming tinged with sadness as it was becoming clear that Andrew was not going to be able to be that person. The trouble is that I love Andrew dearly and I did not want to lose him.

Andrew and I talked many times over the next few days and he tried to convince me that he could be more dominant and would practice daily to learn to use the floggers and whips so he could give me "proper" intense spankings. However, I know him well and I was never really convinced that he could or would want to sacrifice the amount of time that he would need to truly become competent with the floggers and whips.

After a lot of soul searching and upset he finally admitted that not only was I right that he would prefer to spend that time on his beloved cars and films, but that he really hates to give me anything more than a little light spanking for fun. He admitted that he really hates inflicting pain on me and that he knows that the only times he has come close to really decent spankings have been when he was very angry with me and was venting his anger on me to some extent. He agreed that his BDSM fantasies are best left on the page or screen and not played out in real life. But, he of course said that he did not want to lose me as he also 'loves me to bits'.

We were both in shock having found at first glance a real show-stopper for our relationship. I was adamant that I could and would not give up the submissive masochist side of me now I had found it and admitted it to myself. Equally there was no way that Andrew was going to be able to provide the counterpoint to that for me.

Raheretic and I talked for along time around and around the subject, and he also recalled and paraphrased something once said to Swan many years ago which she has recounted here, this was basically that "she was a submissive woman, her husband was not a Dominant and one day she would leave her husband and go and find a Dominant". He strongly suspected that I would eventually feel the need to do the same as it was clear that I was never going to be happy in a relationship without a Dominant "of my own" and I was going to have to look elsewhere if I wanted to have that as Andrew was clearly not able to fulfil that role. The possibility of Andrew and I breaking up was not what any of us has envisaged happening during our visit, and the Clan were very distressed by the whole thing, me rushing off and crying in corners did not really help them at all either. I just could not bear the thought of losing Andrew, nor could I know accept that I could not satisfy the submissive-masochist part of me which has been craving attention for so long.

Raheretic and I talked for hours as we made the long drive from the top of Ohio to the bottom, via a very nice Cracker Barrel lunch and a shop in one of the wonderful outlet malls, and he counselled me with very many kind and wise words. He really is a very nice sadist, I promise you! He did, of course, point out one potential solution to my dilemma, polyamory. Before meeting the Clan it would never have occurred to me that I could have both Andrew and a dominant sadist in my life.

However, having spent a week with Raheretic, Swan and T I had a new perspective on life, I had seen first hand what a successful polyamorous relationship could be like. Swan has captured this so well in her post here, and I have seen what a strong family they are, their relationship works so well and it works because they work at it. Perhaps because the dynamics of a polyamorous relationship are so much more complex than a more usual one it is necessary to work at it much more to make it successful, but it also seems that the return from that investment is multiplied many times over, to the power three rather than two.

Looking critically at my relationship with Andrew reflected in the eyes of these three very kind, good and lovely people has enabled me to see some real, mostly unpleasant, home truths about myself. I have spent such a lot of effort to "force" Andrew to fit in the "dominant sadist" box, naturally failing miserably. I have then despised him for his failure to fit. Andrew has tried himself to get into this box, desperate to please me and has been "rewarded" by my mockery of his efforts and his own guilt about failing. This has made us both very unhappy, as I have been in the driving seat in all this I must take the majority of the blame.

So, to cut the rest of the long story short as there were many more hours of discussion, much soul searching, plenty of tears, harsh words, shouting and the like before we reached the end, Andrew has graciously agreed to stay with me and to allow me to follow my crazy dream of finding a second partner who is a Dominant Sadist to fulfil that missing part of my life and spank my backside. I I do find one then we will try to live as a polyamorous triad with me as the pivot point. This is clearly not a simple solution and has required a lot of thought to decide to give it a whirl, I particularly am going to have to put in a great deal of effort to make it work, maybe I will not succeed but I know that I have to try.

Andrew can now stop trying to be what he is not and I can truly appreciate what he does have and not only see what he does not. Andrew has so very many good points which I often ignored in my quest to make him into the "perfect" man. I hope now I can make him happy and not miserable and defensive all the time.

I cannot believe that I am so blessed to have such a man in my life, I do not deserve the deep level of love and commitment that he has shown me, thank you Darling, I will do my best to not disappoint you.

Hil

A Voyage of Discovery

2008-08-19T00:13:00.005+02:00

Well there is so much to say about our visit to the Heron's that I do not know where to start, it is all so complicated and emotional so please stay with me as I struggle to put this all into words.

Firstly, it was most of all, a wonderful journey of discovery and I have learned some very valuable lessons about myself, difficult and sometimes painful ones, but all extremely valuable. In all of this I have had the most wonderful mentors in Raheretic, Swan and T and I really do not know how to express my gratitude for all they have taught me, shared with me and endured with me.

So before I go any further, from the bottom of my heart I wish to say a public huge THANK YOU for everything to them all.

Well, how can I explain it, well perhaps I should start right from the beginning, you can read in some of my previous posts about how we initially made contact with the Clan and following this, we had a number of IM and Skype chats which resulted in Andrew finally persuading me to agree to take the guys up on their generous offer of visiting them in the US of A. It has to be said that he was becoming much more interested in the BDSM and polyamory side of life rather than the more vanilla-like DD which we were living. I was more reluctant at first being mostly happy with our DD life, but in the end chatting with all three Herons was so much fun that I decided, 'what the hell' and that I would actually like to meet them in person. So I booked the tickets and a few months later we were "leaving on a jet plane" to visit.

We did a lot of stuff, we shopped, went swimming, visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, saw a great baseball game (and Raheretic explained all the rules to me) watched the Olympics on the goggle box, ate wonderful meals made by Swan and T (they are GREAT cooks) and talked, talked, talked.

I also got to experience, from the sharp end, a significant selection from the vast arsenal of "weaponry" which the Clan posses. The first evening it was paddles of every description, the second night it was the fantastically designed flogging frame with a vast selection of floggers, whips and canes, I know not quite what was being used as I obviously could not see! The session seemed to go on for ever, but I did not want it to end, even though it was the most intensely painful experience I have ever had it was also totally and utterly mind blowing. In fact I did not come down from the high for several days. I finally visited that place the "masochists' sub-space" described so well by Swan in several of her posts. Experiencing the attentions of a true Dominant such as Raheretic was incredible, I tell you that I would not have dared to do anything but obey his every command, calling him "Sir" throughout was somehow so natural, nothing like the 'play acting' feeling I have always had when calling Andrew the same.

OMG, I was so elated but at the same time scared, if I could feel like that from such a painful 'beating' then I was finally going to really acknowledged something which I have been hiding from for some time. I am a masochist with a capital 'M', a screaming masochist was how Raheretic described it! The genie was finally out of the bottle, what on earth was I going to do, there was no way I could put him back, so all I could do was ask Raheretic to do it all again the next night of course!

So where was Andrew in all this, well he was watching it all with a view to learning the techniques of how to "successfully flog your woman". The problem was that he is not very dexterous and so was not too successful in his early attempts, becoming disheartened very quickly. All the Clan tried to jolly him along with Raheretic telling of his own early practice attempts involving exploding light-bulbs and much cleaning of dirty whip marks off walls by T. But it was becoming clear that something more fundamental than his two "left hands" was bothering him and that he was confused about the whole situation.

Given that it is now after 1 am, I'll stop here and try to finish the story tomorrow.

Hil

Still here

2008-08-13T15:12:00.003+02:00

Just on holiday in the wonderful US of A with the Herons and having a fantastic time. If you can believe it there are all even more lovely in person. Will post more when we get back and I get over the jet lag.

Love to all

Hil

Sadness

2008-08-03T10:31:00.004+02:00

There is no other word to express what I am feeling, I am sad, sad to my bones, sad to every atom of my being. After a conversation between Andrew and my ex in which my ex slagged me off for more than a couple of hours with the core of the conversation being that I am "allowing" the authorities to persecute him and take him away from our children because I am not supporting him because basically I am jealous of him because he knows how to "play" with the children and I do not not.

This man could not tell me the names of his childrens' best friends, my son's favourite transformer character, my youngest daughter's favourite song, what my older two daughter's got in their latest tests at school or how many goals they scored in their latest sports match, yet none of this matters because I am jealous as he is "fun" and I am not. He says this is why his children need him, because I do not know how to play with them and am thus depriving them of this fun life which they need.

How can I be jealous of a bankrupt, alcoholic, deluded, ex-con, I can't, well not any more. I used to be jealous of his easy life, he was sitting in his prison cell with his every moment controlled, his meals provided, his washing done, the recreation center with it's pool tables and playstations, the in-cell TV blaring all day. I was at home juggling 4 very upset children and a full time job,not to mention a nervous breakdown. Then when he came out, he had no responsibilities, never had to be Mr Nasty, never had to "challenge" the children in any way so they adored their perfect father and gave me hell. Oh, I did learn from him because of this, I decided that there was no way I was going to do just the responsible stuff with the kids I was also going to do the fun stuff, the swimming, the cycle picnics, being Optimus Prime trying to prevent Megatron from taking over the world, baking and decorating cupcakes, trying to stop the kids from thrashing me too badly on the Wii and not just nagging them to tidy their rooms or do their homework.

Now, I am not jealous, I pity the man, he will never understand what it is to be a real parent, the joy of it all, the highs and the lows. My oldest daughter told me earlier in the summer that she does want to see her Dad, but that he is only a "best friend" sort of person to do nice things with he is not really a parent. I was going to cry at that point having tried so hard to be this fun person too, but then she went on to explain that I am all that and more, because I also do the difficult parenting part too. Many of her friends are apparently jealous of her relationship with me, they cannot and do not talk to their Mums and tell them the sort of important things she tells me. Then she cried and begged me never to leave her. This was because she knows how close I came to suicide a few years ago at the start of all this story. But the truth is that now I could never do that again, how could I ever contemplate missing the rest of her life, how could I not want to stay here to parent such a fantastic girl. How could I not want to stay when my son tells me that even though he loves school " a lot" he doesn't want to go because he loves me too much to be away from me and his heart hurts when he is not with me. No, now I could never do that.

I am so, so sad that this man, their father, will never have this deep level of joy and satisfaction of being a parent. He will only ever understand the transient, short lived, temporary joy of the "fun" in the here-and-now. I am sad that I "picked" such a man as the father of my children, but hell, I also picked me as their mother. Jealous, I have nothing to be jealous of.

Flogging and Blogging

2008-08-01T08:38:00.001+02:00

Despite the assurances of the last post that I would post more details of my current emotional turmoil, as per usual, real life got in the way as it inevitably does and my blogging was put on hold. It is with some envy that I read the blogs of Swan and Morningstar for whom the school holidays are the start of, albeit a too short, period of calm, for me it is the opposite as the various boarding schools turf out my children and send them home to Mum. Naturally they are always accompanied by a large amount of dirty washing and a list of all the uniform items that they have either lost or grown out of during the year for me to replace. In order to combat the "post school stress" I took a couple of weeks off and rented a holiday "cottage" in the UK. Thus, I have been gainfully (!?!) employed in seemingly endless cycle of washing, shopping and sewing on those annoying little name labels on the newly bought uniform.

Unfortunately being in the UK also means visits to the children by their father, my ******* ex-husband, and true to form he behaved awfully causing yet more upset and heartbreak for the children and myself. I have decided, finally, to go to court to prevent this from happening again as I just cannot take much more and remain sane.

In all of this mess although Andrew and I did manage to find a few occasions for mostly "stress relief" spankings, it has just not been enough to keep a "lid on it all" and as time has marched on I have found it hard to cope with everything, getting more and more "out of control" which always ends up with me arguing and been generally extremely bitch to Andrew, taking out this stress on him. He in turn has his own problems as he has finally been formally diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and is needing to come to terms with this, so has not been in the best of moods himself.

So we ended up basically not talking to each other for the last few days. With me going to bed early and him coming later when I am already asleep. He has been threatening me with a "damn good beating" to deal with my unacceptable behaviour but has been unwilling to actually administer it as he was concerned he might go too far as he was so furious with me. I of course have been desperate for that beating, but have been caught up in the familiar catch 22 situation of not knowing how to ask for this without appearing to be in the driving seat, which I (mostly !) try to avoid doing.

Well, finally after a heated telephone call yesterday, where I admit I was trying to push his buttons to get what I was needing, he snapped and told me to get myself home the second my work day ended. Although this was a "Hallelujah" moment I naturally pointed out all the urgent things I had to do before the spanking could take place, like collect our visitor from the airport and get the house ready etc, etc, etc, but Andrew told me, in no uncertain terms, to shut up, get home and adopt the required position. I thought the day would never end the last couple of hours of work seemed to last forever but finally home time came. I rushed downstairs and changed into my kit for the 7 mile cycle ride home.

I was flying through the countryside at a real rate of knots, newly permed hair blowing in the wind, when bang, my rear tyre got a puncture and went instantly flat at the same time a large clap of thunder rumbled over head. There I was, in the middle of open farmland, 5 miles from home, tyre flat as a pancake, stressed as hell and about to get deluged by the imminent thunderstorm. Although I did have a repair kit my pump was kaput and thus I could not inflate the tyre enough to get home. There were also, thankfully - I think - no passing cyclists, as I sure I could not have explained why it was so urgent that I borrow their pumps so I could get home for a good spanking, what the hell is "spanking" in German anyway! I was sure that Andrew was going to be convinced that I would try anything to get out of my well deserved punishment!

In the end my kids rescued me with a replacement bike, I cycled home on this (you would have died laughing if you had seen me as it was a kids bike so I had my knees up by my ears!), shouted at Andrew as I was so stressed and naturally now I was so late I had to rush to the airport with no time for spanking.

Later, though I did try to postpone the session until after I fixed the puncture (the last time I did this was 20 years ago and I knew I'd be stressed by it), I got my come-uppance, the flogging of the subject line. Normally this is not a word I like to use as it somehow sounds too severe, thus I prefer to use spanking, but to be honest it was the most severe "spanking" I have ever had thus really deserves the term "flogging".

Of course I am still stressed but feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, mind you the cycle to work this morning was not a pleasant experience!

Hil

I'm still here, honest, you just can't see me ...

2008-07-07T19:13:00.005+02:00

Hi All

I am sorry that I have been away for so long but there has been a lot going on in my life, both inside my head and in reality which has made blogging too difficult for several reasons.

The reality part is a combination of the end of the school term and the chaos that causes when you have 4 kids to sort out (in 2 different countries and 3 different schools) with the usual round of concerts, sports days and exams to manage and the shenanigans of my ex-husband. He has been acting in a manner which at least spectacularly stupid and at worst possibly dangerous and I have had to spend some considerable time ensuring that my children are properly protected from the worst of his actions by numerous consultations with various legal and professional authorities.

This latest incident is just one of a series which is part of an ongoing saga which stretches back more than 5 years, although I am more able to handle the situation now and do not get as upset as I did before, it is nevertheless emotionally and physically draining to have to do it and it leaves me unable to give much energy to anything else. But the next steps are in the hands of the police and the lawyers and for now I can do no more thus I have time to "enjoy" a bit of a breathing space and to deal with the "stuff" inside my head.

So with no further ado I'll move on to that !

As you will have seem from my recent posts I have been struggling to come to terms with some parts of me which have been slowly emerging as Andrew and I have been following our DD path, namely submission and masochism. I have known, since I was in my mid teens, that these parts of me existed but had not been able to acknowledge or admit to them until very recently. As a small aside I can honestly say that "choosing" a relationship where I get regularly spanked had absolutely nothing to do with these masochistic tendencies, in fact they did not enter my head at all, as chronicled earlier in this blog we started DD for completely different reasons.

However, I digress, what has been happening over the last few months is that I have found that this journey seems to be changing my life in a really radical way and this is not because DD/ BDSM is in itself a radical lifestyle, but because it has started to change something much more fundamental within me.

I have spent some considerable time discussing all this with The Heron Clan, mostly because they are wonderfully nice, non judgemental people, who have "been there done that" in the DD/BDSM world but also because they have some real understanding of my issues on a much deeper level coupled with a real gift for mentoring and excellent communication. Swan pointed out to me that I ought to be posting all my conflicts here in the blog, not because I have found answers yet, because I haven't, but because it helps to write it all down, and perhaps it might help me unravel it a bit, a tough task but here goes!

Well what is the problem, let me try to explain...

Although the changes in Andrew's and my life which we wanted to bring about by embarking on this DD path have indeed started to bear fruit the truth is that this new journey has actually started to change my life in a completely unexpected and radical way, not because DD/BDSM is a "radical" lifestyle but because it has started to make me feel that perhaps I am "finally" allowed to do something for me and this is a pretty unusual concept for me.

For most of my adult life I have lived to do things for other people (partners, husband, kids, family, colleagues), sometimes even doing things to them happy even if they did not make me happy. The truth is that I have always put my needs/wants/desires on hold and made sure that their needs/wants/desires were fulfilled. It is what I believe(d) the traditional role of wife and mother was really about, even though I clearly was/am not a typical wife and mother but perhaps even more because I was not. This traditionalist view was also carried through in my beliefs about sex, a woman is supposed to be totally submissive in the bedroom and lie back and think of England she is not supposed to ask for sex and she is definitely not supposed to like pain etc. I have found that actually I am only happy adopting a submissive role in the bedroom and that when forced into a more dominant role with my ex-husband I was really unhappy. Strangely this is one place where I am a reasonably good submissive, if I can just lick that in the rest of my life that would be great!!

I started therapy 5 years ago after a nervous breakdown induced by a very stressful situation caused by my ex-husband, what I thought would be a short term thing to get me through these issues and involve much cursing and swearing about my stupid ex has turned out to be a long term thing where I mostly talked about me and started to finally deal with the very significant issues that I had, irrespective of the stress related to my ex. Most of my problems centered on my extremely negative self image which was deeply ingrained from years and years of bullying at school. Although I am very lucky in that I had and indeed still have a very supportive and loving family, my school environment was extremely abusive, in short a living hell. In short I had believed everything that the bullies had told me about myself and despite outwardly being a confident and happy person, inside I was deeply unhappy and self-loathing.

It was this self-loathing had always meant that I refused to "allow" myself to do anything that was good for me or would make me happy. I hated the fact that I was overweight but could/would not control my eating, indeed I would often deliberately eat the wrong things to "punish" myself and reinforce the view that I was fat, ugly and useless as I had been told for years. Yet I would proclaim to the world that I was happy with my size and it was the rest of society who were wrong and narrow minded, they should love me for who I was on the inside and not what I looked like on the outside, despite the fact that I despised myself.

This "double bluff" worked well for so long that I had managed to convince myself that it was not my problem it was just the world's problem and it was only through the many, many sessions with my patient therapist that I was finally able to first identify this negative record, that was constantly playing in my head, and then counter it's damaging effects. Thus about 18 months ago I finally started to exercise and lose some weight and become much more happy with my body. I even started to really enjoy the exercising, something that I had always considered as a necessary evil before. I get so much satisfaction when I run 5km or have a good session in the gym, things I never thought I could do in a million years, things that the bullies had said I could never do because I was so fat. I will be honest and say that the record is still there, I know it and recognise it for what it is, but sometimes I still have problems not reacting to it. It sometimes tells me for instance that, because I not only enjoy running and the gym but they are also good for me, I am not "allowed" to do them.

I have been battling this mindset for a while and have been working with my therapist on getting used to the idea that I should be "allowed" to do things that make me happy. As I said before I have spent a lot of my life doing things to make other people happy even though, in some cases it did not make me happy or indeed made me very miserable, but I do get great satisfaction, or you could call it "indirect happiness" out of making others happy. However, "direct" happiness, doing things just for me, because I want to, has not been possible, or if possible has been associated with great feelings of guilt, e.g. I cannot go shopping to spend the money (that I alone work hard to earn) on myself unless I really "need" the item, but I can buy totally frivolous things for other people who clearly do not need, nor often in the case of my kids deserve them. I suppose in a warped way doing things to make others happy and at the same time me unhappy has continued to "feed" my need to punish myself because I "know" I am a bad person, I suspect this is why this behaviour has continued for so long.

And so to now, coming to terms with my self image issues when dealing with "normal" things like diet, exercise and body image was one thing but now, starting to deal with much more "not normal", but even deeper and stronger issues like submission and masochism is a whole new ball game. I am already "bad" as I am overweight and cannot control my eating, for example, what must I be because I have a deep desire to be submissive and an enjoyment of pain - crazy, evil, certifiable?

Perversely it is purely because these needs are so strong that I have been forced to address them, now I have taken "it" out of the box, I cannot put "it" back. I have finally to admit that there is something that I want AND need so strongly that I cannot any longer suppress it. I am going to have to "allow" myself to have something that I actually want, because I cannot face the alternative, living without it, this now seems impossible. It is too late to turn back, I am out of control now, even though I am terrified of what the future may hold as Andrew and I continue down this path, I know I cannot go back to life as it was.

So the battle between what I want (the good stuff) and what I am "allowed" to have (the bad stuff) has been raging for a few weeks now. It seems the more I move down the path to what I want towards submission the harder the other good stuff (diet and exercise) becomes to do. I have been eating badly and missing the gym in order to somehow "compensate" for exploring and enjoying the "wanted" submissive and masochistic side of me. It is like I have to do these negative things to balance out the positive ones.

So, this is part one of my current turmoil, I'll try and post the rest in a couple of days, just need to put the washing on and start packing for my holiday which starts on Friday - yippee.

Hil

June is bustin' out all over ...

2008-06-03T19:27:00.004+02:00

June is bustin' out all over
The ocean is full of Jacks and Jills (or is that Hils ?!),
With the little tail a-swishing'
Ev'ry lady fish is wishin'
That a male would come
And grab 'er by the gills!

I've always loved the musical Carousel and I realised that one of the verses could sort of be DD related, OK so just indulge me in my fantasy for a minute ... "the little tail", or was that a paddle "a swishin" and the "lady fish wishin' " that she would be grabbed "by the gills" for a swift spanking perhaps!

I wonder what other songs I can adapt for DD, off the top of my head I can think of only one other which is from another musical, Cabaret, "Helga is the baby. I'm just like a father to her. So when she's bad, I spank her. And she's very, very, very, very, very bad"! Sounds like I need to do a bit of Google-ing tonight!! Unless you, dear lurkers, can help me out with some ideas.

June already, nearly half way through the year, where did that almost half year go so far, anyone know, it sort of flew past without me noticing!

Life has once again been a bit challenging, I have been struggling with my submissive urges once again, I seem to go for long periods where I can manage to submit without too much trouble and then, wham, I hit a brick wall, and me submit, no way, no siree!

In a vague attempt to come to terms with my newly emerging persona I discussed the issues surrounding Dominance/submission and their extremely close cousins sadism/masochism with my therapist. I have been struggling to come to terms with the realisation that I should wear both the submissive and masochist "hats". In the surprisingly philosophical interlude which followed this revelation from me, he pointed out to me that these are actually extremely normal, natural states, "never" said I, but "actually yes", said he, "in fact life is a cycle of S/M or D/s". If I had not been lying down (sadly not on the "stereotypical" leather couch, I love leather - but that is another story ho ho!!) at the time I probably would have keeled over in amazement. Natural, normal, NEVER!!! His explanation went something like this...

Let's start with sex ("a very good place to start" as Julie Andrew's would have perhaps said!!) , this is in itself is about an act of dominance on the part of the man and submission for the woman, he has to have enough dominance (fuelled by the hormone testosterone which also of course fuels aggression, without enough of this aggression he just can't keep it up!!) to provide the possibility to 'penetrate' her and she has to submit to such penetration. Then in a further act of sadism the sperm has to "penetrate" the egg which has to submit to this if a new life is to be conceived.

The mother then carries this "foreign being", in her womb for the next 9 months (assuming that all went OK in the previous stage and the egg was not 'running' about the fallopian tubes screaming, "submit, ha, you must be f*****g joking"). The "blissful" state of pregnancy is in itself somewhat masochistic, think morning sickness, heartburn, the little blighter tap dancing on your bladder etc, etc. After all babies are basically extremely effective sadists, "sucking" all they need from the mother (often to her disadvantage, and clearly without her consent!!) in order to give themselves the best start in life.

Finally the mother has to turn from this submissive being, who allows this to take place into a dominant aggressive one, "expelling" the intruder from her body into the world. As a mother of 4 I can tell you that this is the ultimate "masochistic" act and we haven't gone anywhere near breastfeeding yet! I could go on with the theme but I think you get the gist.

In summary, as I guess you'll all need a brief summary after all that philosophising, labelling myself as either or both (submissive and/or masochist) should not be considered as meaning I am mad or bad, I am just part of the natural cycle of life!

Hmmm, food for thought, or what!

Hil

1000+ Visitors - WOW !!!!

2008-05-22T23:37:00.005+02:00

My goodness, I just looked at the visitor count and we have had more that 1000 visitors (from unique IP addresses) since we started this blog, from as far away as Australia and the US, not to mention you all in Europe.

I am amazed and delighted that so many of you have visited to read my DD ramblings.

Thank you so very much.

It would be great if you would leave a comment to introduce yourself.

Hil

Help from unexpected quarters!

2008-05-16T19:25:00.009+02:00

Following on to the last post, in addition to the stress of my daughter's accident and operation and the usual cycle of Andrew's coming and going and the sense of abandonment and general grumpiness that I feel, something else both confusing and wonderful has also been unfolding. Andrew and I have been struggling with our respective roles as HoH and sub as those of you who read here regularly will know. In fact it is a theme in many other DD blogs too, the "unfairness" of it all - when I screw up I get spanked, when he does, nothing happens.

Despite of course having agreed to this lifestyle, having asked him for it in fact, and despite the many benefits which I know it brings, I continue to struggle with this aspect. I have on a number of occasions refused to "acknowledge" him as my HoH, the one who has the power to decide the rules and when, why and if I get spanked. He has usually at the time of such outbursts, spanked me anyway, with me fighting him tooth and nail, but has always felt extremely uncomfortable because of the ease with which he can overpower me because of his superior size and weight, using them against me and feeling more like an abusive husband rather than my loving, caring and lovingly correcting partner. In short, sometimes he was starting to feel that he was only the HoH when I said so, the classic "topping from the bottom" syndrome and to question if he 'really has what it takes to keep this control freak under proper control and prevent her from torpedo-ing the relationship as she rather tends to do'.

I have for some time read with interest the blog from The Heron Clan, having first found it from Finding Sara in relation to a 'debate' Sara was having with Rahereticsswan about "DD vs BDSM". The friendliness and the respect which was shown by both ladies, one on each side of the "potentially rather heated" argument surprised and delighted me and encouraged me to read some of the other posts on the site.

The warmth and humour, not to mention the sheer down-to-earth-edness of Rahereticsswan's writing drew me in further, not to mention I was, of course, somewhat curious about such an "unusual" lifestyle and wanted to read more. It is such a nice mix of things, politics, spanking, recipes, maths, more spanking etc. Naturally I recommended it to Andrew and he, as a writer, was so impressed with the "naturalness" of it all he contacted the clan to tell them so.

All I can say after a number of chats and a lot of laughs, is that Raheretic is the nicest sadist I have ever met, actually I have never met one before, well not knowingly at least, so truthfully I have no-one to compare him with, I'm sure they must all be like this! Rahereticsswan and Rahereticssly are equally as lovely with wicked senses of humour and some great practical tips. In short, they are so refreshingly "normal" and have really showed me in particular what it is like when you are comfortable respecting and accepting yourself, as you are, warts, spanking and all.

They have also been most kind to give us a lot of advice, well perhaps that is not the right word as they have emphatically not "told" us what to do, instead they have talked and shared with us and asked us challenging questions to make us think.

Suffice it to say that in only a few short weeks we have moved further along in our relationship and DD life than we have gone in the previous few months since we started on our DD journey. Andrew has really, and I mean really, discovered that he truly has a Dominant nature. I should be scared as he is really now taking charge and being much more strict with me, really enforcing the rules, not halfheartedly doing so, and more spankings are clearly looming, but actually I am calm and happy. I am no longer in charge and the submissive part of me, the one who wants to be looked after, the one who desperately wants to cede control, that part which has been hidden for so long is creeping out slowly. At the moment this skin that I am inhabiting seems a little alien, but the more I try it on for size, the better it feels and the more at peace I feel.

Who'd have thought it and all from an innocent click to a Swan's blog. Maybe this ugly duckling could learn to turn into a swan too.

Thank you Clan Heron, I so look forward to getting to know you better.

Hil

Chaos is slowly reducing

2008-05-16T18:27:00.004+02:00

At last things are getting a bit back to normal, as near as my life gets to normal anyway.

My daughter has returned to school, still on crutches but the knee is healing well, she will be having a lot of physio and everyone hopes she will be back playing hockey by September.

Unfortunately the just after my daughter's accident my friend and cleaner started her a new job and I am thus cleaner-less so the house is in a real state as I have had no time to sort it out.

Andrew has also gone back as he has some work in the UK to attend to, glamourous photoshoots and the like! The good news is that while he is there he is finally going to get an assessment and hopefully then some help and treatment for his depression.

The trouble is with the stress of the last few weeks and now him having gone, I am feeling seriously underspanked and grouchy and I am not sure how I will get through the next 10 days until he returns.

Trouble is the whole issue of being separated from him gets me down and makes me irrationally angry and thus tends to make me behave stupidly towards him. I know we have to be separated for a lot of the time, we knew that when we got together, BUT, I don't like it one bit, even though I am used to looking after myself when he is gone I feel small and vulnerable. Silly isn't it.

Hil

Being an HOH with severe depression; it is not the best of combinations. Let me explain...

2008-05-05T21:35:00.000+02:00

One of my beliefs is that an HOH has to be model of stability and predictable reasonableness (there is an eminent and charming gentleman in the world of BDSM who might diasagree with this but still). You are responsible for maintaining not only discipline but the direction of your relationship and so how can you possibly do so when a thousand grey winters rage through your head. It simply cannot be done, for it may even increase your sense of self-worthlessness that you have inflicted pain upon the partner who means more to you than any other human being - and that you, lowly creature that you are, have harmed her to no good effect. And so the spiral continues ever downwards.

But it does not have to be this way. To anyone reading these words who sees a distorted mirror of their own condition - seek medical help. Do not live in fear. And for any British readers I simply say this - 'It does not have to end like Tony Hancock".

Posted by Hil but written by Andrew

Back from the hospital

2008-05-03T22:00:00.001+02:00

My daughter is amazing, brave, and wise beyond her years. After an incredibly hard few days with many tears, hers and mine, much pain and suffering, sadly hers, some extremely funny moments and some great mother-daughter time, my incredible daughter walked out of the hospital herself despite having had a major knee op less than 48 hours before.

Her determination to get better as fast as possible and definitely before the next hockey season starts is fantastic, I know that faced with such a setback at her age I would have given up and sat on the sofa and eaten chocolate! She is being really good and doing all her physio even though it is hard and she still has some pain and every day I have to give her an anti-thrombosis injection and she really hates needles. What a girl.

I have no doubt that she will be back playing hockey and netball for the school, the town's teams and the county in no time, I am proud to call her my daughter.

Life is not fair

2008-04-25T23:28:00.002+02:00

Just to let you know that I may not be posting for a little while as I need to take care of my oldest daughter, she, the one who lives for sport has, via a bad long jump, snapped two of the ligaments in her knee and will need to have an operation in a couple of days to repair the damage.

She is not in a lot of physical pain, at least not until she has the op, but mentally she is devastated as this is going to mean that she cannot play the sports which are her life for quite a few months. Yes she will be able to play them in say a year, but a year is forever when you are only 15. Seeing my daughter who has been through so much already in her short life in so much pain is really tearing me apart, it just is NOT FAIR, why her, she does not deserve this at all.

I just wish it could be me.

Unexpected benefits of a DD lifestyle

2008-04-16T21:08:00.001+02:00

Some things I did not expect when I started on this interesting lifestyle.

1. DD seems to give me more than 24 hours in a day

One of our rules is that I have to make the bed before I leave for work (provided that Andrew is not still in it of course). In the past this was just one of the things that I "just did not have time to do", but with 'serious consequences' to face if I do not do this it has obviously moved a little higher on my priority list. The thing is, I still get up at the same time as I did before DD, and I still leave the house at the same time to go to work, yet I also always seem to have time to make the bed. Where did that 'extra' time come from?

2. DD Makes me take care of myself much more than before - in body

The main thing that I never had "time to do" was to really take care of myself, I was always at the bottom of my own priority list. But as the man I love gets to see me "au naturel" so regularly, with the lights on (!) , I realised that I both needed and wanted, to take care of my physical appearance much more. Somehow now I manage to "make the time" to regularly shave my legs and other bits, and my skin has never been in such good shape as I am now a regular at the Body Shop, indulging myself by working my way through their fantastic range of body scrubs and body butters. Mango and Strawberry are my current favourites.

The physical side of taking care of myself is also taken care of by DD. I have always struggled with my weight. I was severely bullied at school because of it and have really struggled with the resulting poor body image that this has given me. I have been trying very hard over the last year and a half to rectify this, I very much did not want to be "fat and forty", I wanted to be "fit and forty". I have not been doing too badly but really needed some help in this area to keep me focussed. As diets clearly do not work what I really needed was to stick to a good exercise routine. Hence, one of our rules states that I need to do 20 minutes of exercise at least 4 times a week. If I do not then as well as a punishment spanking for each session missed then the following week I have to find the time to do 4 times 40 minutes of exercise. This does somewhat focus my mind and I rarely miss a session unless work is so hectic that I cannot escape at lunchtime to go to the gym. In fact, I have now come to enjoy these gym sessions so much that I often do spend 40 minutes a time! I can also run 5km in under 40 minutes now, this from the girl who would break out in a sweat just thinking about doing exercise!

- and in mind -

This taking the time to care about how I look and my exercise regime which has resulted in some really significant changes to my figure (I was a UK size 22-24 and am now a 14-16), has also done a great amount of good to my mind and my self confidence too. For the first time I can look in a mirror and not hate what I see.

Great isn't it!

Hil

The HOH responds

2008-04-08T20:37:00.002+02:00

Hil, I did not look upon the brat loop paddle with "glee" - well, for no more than five minutes at any rate. The real challenge was in actually using it and being more than somewhat awestruck at the sheer amount of pain that even mild applications of this new instrument can cause. This in turn raises real issues as to what exactly constitutes a "punishment" spanking? Given that I have an amazing propensity to cause very justifiable wrath in my partner, I only wish to reserve it for those few occasions when my conscience is clear. The deterrent factor works on both parties - including the HOH. This is part of an ongoing realisation that DD should teach the HOH the very real merits of self-control and self-discipline. Indeed, if he does not respect himself then who will...

Andrew

Gentlemen, select your weapon ...

2008-04-06T16:04:00.012+02:00

From my previous post I mentioned our broken "favourite" implement which set me thinking about what favourite should mean in this sense, from my perspective being at the spanked end favourite could mean the least painful device (to save my poor backside!!) but could equally be the most effective one, the one which enables me to reach what I call my state of "catharsis" the fastest. This may not of course be the most painful implement as, in my case, if the spanking is too painful then I am able only to focus on the pain and not to think clearly about the reasons behind it, finding catharsis impossible to achieve. Thus I think Andrew and I would both agree that the most effective implement is our joint favourite for maintenance spankings.

Alternatively for a punnishment spanking we will probably differ in opinion, I would vote for the least damaging and painful of our implements (given my terrible propensity for gaining punnishment spankings over the last few weeks) but he will vote for the most painful as that will be the biggest deterent to a repeat of the behaviour which led to the spanking in the first place.

So as previously explained having broken our nice large wooden spatula paddle I purchased a tawse and a brat loop paddle from LeatherThorn Paddles (pictures above), and after having retrieved them from the clutches of the German customs I brought them home for Andrew to try. I can say that they are super, and fortunately look like they will last for a long time as I do not want to repeat that customs experience anytime soon! Unfortunately they are also both extremely effective.

The tawse is great for a slow thorough maintenance spanking and the intensity of the spanking can easily be varied with a larger or smaller flick of the wrist from him. But, Andrew has, with great glee, selected the brat loop as his "weapon of choice" for all punnishment spankings from here on as during our road test it was so very effective and excruciatingly painful that I begged him to stop, thus he has decided that as I hate it so much I will be keen to avoid it at all costs and will thus be on my best behaviour. Perhaps I should have let the Custom's men keep the parcel after all.

So come on lurkers, share your favourite implements with me too!

Hil

An amusing aside to brighten your day!

2008-04-02T11:51:00.000+02:00

So here is the situation, Andrew having broken our favourite wooden paddle (or was it my backside that broke it and perhaps 'favourite' is not quite the right word as it was a rather "efficient" tool),a month ago I ordered a couple of substitutes from LeatherThorn Paddles in the USA. I had rather given up hope of receiving them as the expected 6-10 days for delivery had long been exceeded. I assumed perhaps some other spanko or DD'er had intercepted and pinched my parcel!

However, finally yesterday I received a letter from the German Custom's Office summoning me to their office to collect my parcel. I was ordered to bring my payment details and my order receipt. Naturally I had my PayPal payment details but the only order receipt I had was an e-mail from John at LeatherThorn complete with a photograph of the box, the post receipt and also the goods themselves, this I did not want to have to show.

I approached the office with some trepidation, having seen the scary and officious Custom's Officers at the airport in their police type uniforms with lots of shiny silver pips and not looking forward to entering such an austere environment to collect a parcel containing such "dubious" items.

Although there was actually no one in such a uniform the Custom's Office was open plan containing seven people, all men, gulp. I presented my slip and the chap toddled off to get the parcel, so far so good. He brought it back and then asked me for the documentation of which I provided the "safe" versions without the photos. He then asked for details of the payment and how much the actual goods cost as he could not understand the English in all my documents. I explained different figures which represented the cost of the actual items and the cost to post them from the US to Germany.

He seemed happy with this info but then asked me to explain what items the package actually contained, oh help, I took a couple of deep breaths and said that it was, roughly translated (as I did not know the correct words in German), "play things", more deep breaths from me as he calmly said, "Oh, toys", "Yes" said I. He went back to his desk and I prayed that this was going to be all he wanted to know. Unfortunately all he did was to retrieve a large knife from his desk and indicate to me that I should open the parcel so he could view these items, aahhh, now what was I to do. My face was now turning as red as my backside from my maintenance session the night before and totally embarrassed I, of course, fumbled cutting through the large quantities of tape that surrounded the parcel and the plastic within it and with a well faked casual attitude pulled my spanking new implements (pun intended!) out of the box, furtively looking left and right to see if anyone had actually noticed . "Ah, fine", he said, "just some leather things.", "yes", said I starting to breath again, "just some leather things", gulp!

He returned once more to his desk and I was expecting him to call all his colleagues over to look at the amusing devices the sad Englishwoman had bought but instead he just entered a few figures into his computer, printed out a couple of documents, stamped a few of them (stamps are VERY, VERY important in Germany for everything), handed me a bill for the German tax I had to pay and pointed me to the cash desk.

I grabbed the parcel and receipts, ran to the cash desk, paid the bill and then legged it out of there as fast as I could.

I do hope that these implements last a long time, I do not want to repeat that exercise for a while!

Hil

Stress

2008-03-24T17:57:00.004+01:00

OK the situation at my place is as follows, I currently have my ex-husband, his new partner, my partner and all my kids at home. My ex and I have been separated for 5 years and divorced for 2 1/2. Our breakup was extremely complicated and suffice it to say that the circumstances that surrounded it were extremely stressful to the extent that coping with all these issues (many of which are ongoing) still necessitates a weekly visit for me to a psychiatrist who is helping me work through them. Without going into the gory details I can say that one of the least of the problems was my ex's alcoholism, and as such you can perhaps understand that the other problems are obviously at a rather major level.

Due to these issues the children have only had limited contact with their father since our separation and I have continued to shield them as much as I can from the ongoing problems. However at the beginning of last year my ex's behaviour deteriorated to the point that I had to stop them seeing him completely. This was obviously very distressing for both him and them. Despite what has happened all of the kids wanted very much to see their father again and thus after the intervention and support from a number of professional organisations we managed to reach a sort of compromise situation where they could see him for short, accompanied visits.

To cut a long story short, in the last few months he has both seen the error of his ways and has met a lovely new woman and things have improved to the point where I felt prepared to have him visit the children at home. This means that they can spend some lengthy quality time with him and meet his new partner too.

I have been absolutely dreading this visit, partly because it means having the man who caused me so much hurt in my home again and partly because it also means having a 'stranger' in my house too. Well that and the fact that the kids are all home from school with the "normal" chaos that usually involves. Oh and did I mention that the ex is fitting a new kitchen (in return for me paying for their airfares here) which means that the contents of the old kitchen currently reside in the dining room so meals (take aways) are taken in the living room and everywhere is in total chaos and covered in sawdust or plaster dust. Aaahhh, men in white coats come and take me away now.

The "trouble" is that it has been absolutely fine, my ex has behaved impeccably, his new partner is absolutely lovely and we get on like a house on fire. Not to mention that she likes the kids, the kids like her and she has common sense in spades and has helped me with the cooking, washing and cleaning. I feel so stressed because I am not stressed if that makes any sense at all, which it probably doesn't.

This stress has been simmering below the surface over the last week and I know it has been colouring the previous maintenance sessions that I have already written about. I have felt like a kettle just below boiling point, gently steaming away but not relieving the pressure and tension of this pent up stress. The only place I have been able to find an outlet for the stress is by 'working it all out' on Andrew. Yes I have been awful to my HoH, snappy, critical and disrespectful and he is becoming seriously fed up with my behaviour and I can't say I blame him.

The trouble is because he is too nice I have been "getting away with blue murder" because he is being really lenient with me, because of the situation. Thus I have been such a brat, trying to provoke him, I suppose, into giving me the stress relief spankings I need but just cannot bring myself to ask for. I am so disappointed in myself for doing this but I find it so hard to ask him to spank me especially as he is already doing that enough just for maintenance.

I do hope that he reads this and lets me have it!

Hil

Maintenance #3

2008-03-21T22:58:00.004+01:00

Well was really doing well on Sunday but blew it again on Tuesday. I had a terrible day at work having to deal with a lot of agro when someone else's mistake was made into my problem so I had to sort out the mess. This took so long that I did not have time to either go to my lunchtime stress busting gym session nor to have lunch which did not help.

Thus I was already pretty wound up when I found the icing on the cake, I had left my coat in the car which I had not taken to work. So I ended up walking and bus-riding in the freezing cold.

I did not have the car as at present my ex-husband, with whom I have had a very difficult relationship for sometime (although we are trying to put this behind us and make a big effort to be friends for the children) and his new girlfriend are visiting from England so that she can meet the little monsters, sorry darlings, and he is, in return for me paying for his flights, fitting a new kitchen for me and has been using my car to get all the bits and bobs he needs.

Thus with all these factors I know I was not in a good mood and I snapped at Andrew when I got home as he made a stupid remark. I was expecting a bit of sympathy but he did not give me any. Thus until bed time whilst frantically building kitchen cupboards I sat and fumed and worked myself up into a real sulk.

Deciding that maintenance was "not happening no way José" I jumped into bed instead of waiting for Andrew as I am supposed to on maintenance days. This did not go down well with him and we had our usual discussion about me not being in control and him deciding when and where he will discipline me. Well he talked at me and I sulked back. So I got spanked anyway as he promised that I would even if I did not comply.

Unfortunately, he told me that he would continue to spank me until I begged him to stop, but in my major sulk mode there was no way I was letting him "beat me" (ha, ha) by asking him to stop. Thus he continued for a seriously long time until I just could not take it any more and had no option but to give in and plead for him to cease.

Suffice it to say my backside is now extremely painful as that was the worst spanking I have ever received. But I have to say that I probably deserved it for being such a brat, and that afterwards I felt so much better, I still hate it when that happens, when he gets it so right and knows what I need when I do not.

The following morning, literally, just before I was due to walk out the door to work, to another stressful day he ordered me over his knee again and gave me a number of hard swats with the paddle. Boy was I cross as I felt I did not have time, I was all dressed up in best executive mode and I did not deserve it. But all Andrew said was, 'now you will be mad at me and not at your colleagues, so you can have a much calmer day at work'. Damn it, he was right on that score too.

Hil

Maintenance #2

2008-03-17T23:11:00.002+01:00

Well I managed a better attempt at submission last night you will be pleased to hear. Luckily I have tonight as a break before Maintenance session #3 on Tuesday.

My HoH is noticing my yawns and has thus ordered me to go to bed immediately, or else, so I had better make this a very short post and write more later as I do not want to be in any more trouble. Sometimes I just want to do what I want and not submit to his authority but I suppose I must even in these small things such as bed time!!

Take care

Hil

He's back ...

2008-03-16T21:11:00.002+01:00

After a three week break my dearest HoH is back, and yes I am writing to you sitting on a rather painfully tanned backside. Failing to behave well and thus getting up to 4 maintenance sessions per week is not a good idea, neither is admitting to your HoH that you have been stupidly neglecting your health and not arranging a cervical smear that is probably 5 years overdue. Needless to say he was not best pleased with my stupidity and gave me a punishment spanking on the spot. If I do not immediately make an appointment on Monday morning and go to the appointment within the next week I am going to receive a punishment spanking for each day I delay. I think that the embarrassment of the smear will not be as great as the worry about another serious punishment spanking, so first thing tomorrow I will be making that appointment.

OK, back to the main narrative. Half of me was delighted to have Andrew back and half of me was rather apprehensive as I knew what was coming to me. Well, as I mention above, it and more did indeed come, and I found it all rather difficult. It sounds a bit strange but it did take me some time to get back into a properly submissive frame of mind and it was more painful than usual as ones backside tends to soften up again after a three week break!

Together with the problems I encountered trying to get back into the correct way of thinking something also really hit home to me the first night, together with all the conflicting emotions of DD, I found another unexpected emotion, fear, not fear of being spanked, but fear because I realised how much I have come to rely on Andrew through the practice of DD. I have not since I was a child had to rely on anyone, indeed I have fought very hard not to rely on anyone other than me. As I have written in previous posts it was this 'over' self reliance which caused us many problems in our relationship before DD. After only 5 month practicing DD it is scary to see how much I already rely on him. However, when I get scared I tend to become angry and argumentative and thus my realisation of this emotion led to a difficult half an hour or so with me basically being a sulky uncommunicative brat because I just could not articulate my fears. You see if you say them out loud then they become true.

After a good bit of talking to and spanking of course eventually I had to admit how I was feeling, and then of course it was all OK again. I do not know why spanking should work in this way, but it does.

Unfortunately maintenance session number 2 is looming so I had better go and prepare. This time I want to be in the right frame of mind from the get go. I'll let you know if I manage it in the next post.

I have not had much time to post recently as I am in the process of replacing my kitchen and thus please bear with me if it takes a couple of days for the next post to appear.

Hil

Depression and DD

2008-03-01T11:51:00.007+01:00

How do you handle DD when your HoH suffers from depression?

My previous posts have dealt with my problems around dealing with DD when my partner behaves in a non-HoH manner, but these have been times when one could say that he made a 'conscious' choice to not behave in that way, e.g. to wind me up. What do you do when your partner is not acting as your HoH when it is not really their fault?

What I am talking about here, for us, is that my partner suffers from depression and has done so since his mid teens, he is now in his late thirties. His self confidence plummets, he considers himself worthless and he stops making rational decisions. He also tends to be extremely 'economical with the truth', lying by omission or telling me what he thinks I want to hear rather than the whole truth. Once I worm out this truth my natural tendency is, of course, to take control of the situation and make the relevant 'sensible' decisions for him. I then 'mother' or bully him in equal amounts to try and get him to snap out of this 'depressive mood'. The trouble is that stepping in negates the very reasons we started this DD journey to avoid.

I know that we are a couple and thus should support each other in all areas, I should be able to step in when he is not able to do something as he does when the situation is reversed. In most areas this is fine and we do just that, e.g. he does not like driving particularly and I do, so in general when we go out I drive, I have great difficulty saying 'no' to people who want my help so he says 'no' for me. But in this one critical area, this HoH role if I step in I feel that this just puts me back to square one, where we were before DD. I do not really want to go back to that place again, the one before DD (it is not nice for either of us when I do). But I cannot stand by while he makes a mess of things, I do not mean small things either, these can be important things which could negatively affect our future. It is not that I cannot step in, obviously I can or we would have had no issues in the power dynamic of our relationship and would not need DD, but should I?

This may seem to be a bit of a whine and I suppose it is, I do understand what depression is like, as I had a breakdown myself a few years ago, but the difference was that mine was caused mostly by external factors rather than Andrew's 'imaginary' internal factors. It is hard when I see a man who is highly intelligent (he is a member of MENSA no less!!), who is extremely well respected in his professional and personal lives and who is most capable in many ways even though he is a tad challenged in the 'common sense' and domestic engineering departments, acting like an angst ridden and sulky teenager.

He has also told me that when he is depressed the only time he actually feels good about himself is when he is giving me my, as he says 'much needed maintenance disciplines' or a punishment spanking.

I know it should not, but it does nevertheless, make me angry and hurt when he acts this way even knowing that depression is all about not acting rationally and that it is not really his fault. It is just that I "need" him to NOT be like this.

I suppose that perhaps I could just ask for a spanking and then lie down and let him 'spank' me until he feels better, but this might be rather a painful solution, at least for me. But this is perhaps the one time that I would be happy to let him spank me when he is not behaving in a true HoH manner.

If anyone has any ideas or experience about how to deal with this complex issue I would love to hear them.

Thanks for listening, I hope I will not whinge so much in the next post but I do need to vent a bit, better to do it here than to Andrew directly even though I know he reads these posts.

Hil

To spank or not to spank, that is the question ...

2008-02-27T20:51:00.007+01:00

As you will have seen I have struggled with the issue of fairness in our DD relationship, in fact anyone who practices DD will have done the same at some time. One recurring theme is when I consider that Andrew has 'contributed' to my bad behaviour in some way, for example by not behaving in a "true HoH" manner or by goading me in some way, and thus I feel that a punishment is therefore not appropriate or fair. We have had many a heated debate on this subject often with me over his knee vigorously protesting my 'innocence".

Deciding what he should do at this point, in the heat of the moment, especially when he admits to some degree of ‘contributory negligence’ on his part, is very difficult to do and often he has thus decided not to spank me. In the heat of the moment I am of course happy that he decides not to, feeling entirely justified for acting out, because “he made me”.

However, when I am calm, I have to admit that because I am mentally excusing my behaviour by blaming him, I am not really trying hard enough to correct the behaviour we embarked on this DD lifestyle to change. I really do not want to behave badly even when provoked, or perhaps especially when provoked. Thus, I finally explained to him my feelings on this subject.

In reply, Andrew told me that he feels uncomfortable about being seen to be unjust if he spanks me when he has provoked me, as he considers that it is important for an HoH to be completely fair.

Sadly, following the above confession of my devious self deception, he informs me that he is going to “save me from myself” and “steel himself” to spank me whenever he sees fit, whether I was provoked or not into my bad behaviour, though as he admits it will probably “hurt me more than him to do so”.

I do so hate it when he tries to be funny …

DD is a serious undertaking

2008-02-27T13:33:00.003+01:00

Just via reading the previous entry, it should be fairly obvious that DD is not a frivoulous game and, in my less-than-humble opinion, has less affinity to BDSM than is popularly believed. Again, I repeat - are you really ready for the very real responsibilities of being the HOH in ALL aspects of your relationship. Rewarding it is and therefore it naturally follows that it can - and should - never be easy...

What to do while he is away?

2008-02-24T21:56:00.004+01:00

I called this blog "DD sans Frontières" to reflect the fact that because of our work commitments Andrew and I spend a lot of our time living in different countries. I have lived and worked here in mainland Europe for more than a dozen years (although I am from the UK) and since we have got together he has flitted between here and the UK depending on his work requirements. Thus, after a couple of weeks together he has just left to go back to the UK and I already feel upset.

My last post recorded the stresses (and spankings) of the last couple of weeks and due to my awful behaviour he had warned me that if I earned myself just one more punishment spanking then he would once again up the maintenance sessions from 3 to 4. Despite my best efforts to behave and his best efforts at our maintenance spankings as the time came closer to him leaving I could feel myself becoming more and more angry because he was going to, please forgive the melodrama, “leave me all alone”, so of course finally I just lost it and had a real go at him in front of the kids. This I should not do as it is hard enough for him to be a step parent to my children (who are naturally as intelligent, opinionated and stubborn as their mother) at the best of times, and even more so when I undermine his limited authority by shouting at him in front of them.

I have noticed that when he goes away or is away that I seem to try to pick fights with him as I feel bad, I feel abandoned and I want him to be “sorry” that he is “doing” this to me. These feelings just do not make sense to me at all though and I find it rather scary to find I rely on someone else so much. Why should I feel this way now as I am used to being alone, even when I was married I felt alone as I had to shoulder so much responsibility without any help and when I separated then divorced I spent several years alone working full time, running the household and looking after my kids single handedly. So why when he leaves do I start to unravel? It is not that I miss him doing the practical stuff around the house as I do most of that anyway, it is not that I am afraid of being alone per se, so why am I so upset? The only way that I can seem to explain it at all is that I am so scared of not receiving my regular maintenance spankings because they stop me slipping back into my old destructive ways (which nearly split us up), they remind me of who is in charge (yes it is not me!) and most important of all they show me how much he loves and cherishes me.

For us, as well as many of the other DD bloggers, these maintenance sessions are a great place for us to be totally connected, away from the stresses and strains of juggling family and work commitments, just to be alone and be us. Communication is absolutely paramount in a DD relationship as anyone who lives this “peculiar” lifestyle will know and this is also a time when we make time to communicate with each other, mostly he talks and I listen, but that is OK. If I have anything important to say then I often tell him this while OTK for a maintenance session, I know he is totally focussed on me and my needs and he will pay full attention to what I say when I am lying in that position of total and utter submission. It is also a place where I feel totally calm, safe, protected and loved (perhaps this is my inner child coming to the fore) even when I am lying there with a scarlet, throbbing backside. In fact sometimes I ask to lie in this position when we are alone and I am not due for maintenance/punishment as it does make me feel calm. I am going to miss this for the next few weeks.

Perhaps I should not be whinging about not getting my maintenance sessions, especially as you will have guessed my last little temper tantrum earned me a spanking plus the threatened additional weekly maintenance session. I would like to claim that I have no idea how I managed to go from being a “good girl” with a modest 2 sessions per week to a serious “brat” with 4/week but of course I do know exactly how I achieved that!! Thus, in reality I will manage to escape from a total of 12 spankings as he is away for the next 3 weeks, but I am not relieved by that at all, instead it makes me feel totally devastated. To cap it all, he said to me before he left that it will be a real pity that when he returns he will have to spend a lot of his time taking down my knickers to spank me, instead of removing them for other more pleasurable activities. I have to say that this did make me feel exceedingly guilty because it is my behaviour has caused him to have to “waste” his time in this way. Grrrrr, why do I do it?

I'm back ...

2008-02-23T16:05:00.006+01:00

Dear All

Well I am back after a weeks holiday, plus another week not being able to blog due to a) much washing to get kids ready to go back to school, b) the usual 3 million work e-mails to answer and c) too much time spent over my partners knee being spanked due to my awful behaviour.

As we were on holiday staying with friends and family most of whom do not yet know about our DD lifestyle I was so concrned about the "noise polution" from the twice weekly maintenance sessions so that I could not get the real benefit of the spankings. This was not due to my patner's reluctance in this area as he was more than ready to give me what he knows I need, it was more due to my embarrassment as I was acutely aware of the sound of every swat and thus ended up the sessions more stressed than at the beginning.

This stress led me to behave really awfully to him on a number of occasions, the last one of which resulted in a punnishment spanking being "awarded", in fact by the time he did this he was so cross with me that he made me stop the car so he could look for a place to administer it immediately. Luckily for me around the M25 there are few suitable places and so he had to wait until we returned back to where we were staying.

That evening as he was about to administer said punnishment, despite the fact that I was clearly on dodgy ground I decided to push the boat out a little as I was already in trouble (or maybe it was the full moon as Sara - from Finding Sara - says) and told my HoH that he would do that "over my dead body" as I was not prepared to risk the resulting noise and buried my head in the pillow to go to sleep. He of course was not taking any of that nonsense and as I had stupidly lain face down on the bed, he proceded to forceably remove my knickers and give me a spanking anyway. I was not best pleased as you may imagine but by then it was too late.

Once we were back at home things should have improved but alas they did not, I could blame it on PMS but really should not and after a couple more unpleasant days with me being generally unpleasant, my HoH announced that he was increasing the maintenance sessions to three times a week and that I was going to get another punnishment session that evening.

A lot of my frustration was stemming from the fact that my dear HoH is somewhat domestically challenged, when intelligence was being handed out he was clearly at the front of the queue but with common sense he was either at the back of the queue or forgot to turn up entirely!

Well this drives me insane and I feel that when he does not behave like an HoH I do not see why I should submit to a spanking, this led to a flurry of email exchanges as I was at work and was not going to talk about this over the phone nor was I about to let him administer any kind of spanking so I lost no time telling him this.

My HoH wrote the following which I quote as it is so lovely:

"It is not your role to state whether or not you are willing to receive the discipline of your HOH, for that immediately places you in the driving seat. It will always be the case that I can & will discipline you whenever I decree it and that you will accept this. Even if you do not, discipline will always be administered.

I will always listen to reasoned arguments unless this comes perilously close to bratting.

By submitting to my dominant role as the HOH, you will benefit from your submission. I do this in order to show that you are loved and cherished as no other woman has ever been - or will ever be.

So, when you return tonight, as soon is practical, you will strip to your knickers and stand in the corner in the punishment position. You will do this because I order it, because it is the right thing to do - and because I love you."

Annoyingly the damn man was right, it is not for me to decide if I get spanked or not, I gave up that right when I asked him to agree to live a DD lifestyle as this was what I wanted and needed.

But even so I was still not happy and was struggling to explain why, I first pointed him to Vivian's post http://disciplinedfeminist.blogspot.com/2008/02/resistance-blame-and-responsibility.html as she so acurately, as always, puts into words a good explanation for part of how I was feeling but not the whole, for the rest I tried to expand on my feelings thus.

"In addition to what Vivian describes there is a major difference for our situation which causes me even more problems, in that you often do not act as a 'typical' HoH which does not seem to be the case for Viv or Sara who both seem to have strong dominant men as their partners. Yes I have problems with the injustices of it all, I get to be spanked for my misdeeds (which I agree recently have been many and various) and you get to carry on with the non-HoH behaviour yet have no consequences.

I know that in a DD relationship it is not about fairness, Sara has a good article about this see her article entitled 'When DD is not fair' (http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/02/11/when-dd-is-not-fair/) but it is so hard to submit even given her very valid argument when I see you behaving in a way that if I did I would get spanked.

I believe part of your HoH responsibility is NOT to behave in such a way (this is one way DD is not fair the other way round - I can behave like a spoiled brat while you cannot), and when you do this it winds me up greatly and then I lose control and usually my temper too.

I know that when I finally submit to what is coming to me I will benefit, but that does not make it easier on an intellectual level to submit. For me there are 3 parts to submission - physical, emotional and intellectual and I need all three in harmony for it to work.

Physical submission is about taking the pain of a spanking and not resisting.
Emotional submission is about accepting the reason(s) for the spanking whether maintenance/punishment/disobedience and accepting the need for the correction of my behaviour
Intellectual submission is about fighting the inner battle between my wish to submit and my natural tendency to keep in control, no matter what even if I miss out on the emotional benefits.

It is the intellectual side which gives me the most trouble when I see you not behaving as my HoH as I cannot force myself to accept to submit to someone who behaves as badly as I do, I need you to be "better" than me, when you are not I can submit physically to a maintenance/punishment session, I can admit emotionally why I need one but I cannot reconcile the intellectual issues.

I know I am not explaining this well but it is so hard to do when I am so angry, angry at you for not being what I need and more angry at myself that I cannot "ignore your failures" as I should and behave properly, instead I know that as you continue your non HoH behaviour I escalate my failures and my behaviour gets worse."

So there it is I had put my feelings into some rather confused words, I am not sure if they make sense or not and I am sure that my HoH is right that I chose to submit to him and allow him to discipline me when HE thinks I need it and not when I do, but, and it is a big but, I find it so hard to do in the above circumstances.

So I got home in the evening and once the kids were in bed we retired to the bedroom to talk, well I expected to talk and he expected to spank. I having learned my lesson from the last time he tried to spank me against my will, lay carefully on my back on the bed and refused to comply. Completely to my surprise and even though I was fighting tooth and nail, the turned me over onto my stomach and proceeded to give me a damn good spanking. I fought him all the way, yet he kept on calmly spanking me until I gave up the fight and submitted. Then he carried on until he was happy that I was thoroughly spanked and sufficiently repentant.

Thankfully he was prepared to risk prosecution, he was of course taking a real risk "disciplining me against my will", as he understands how important DD is to me, to us, and how much I need it even when I do not want it. He was able to honour our agreement when I was not. And I am now very much in awe of a man who loves me enough to do that. A man, who I have to admit was, and indeed is, more of an HoH than I had realised or had dared to hope for.

Darling Andrew, thank you.

Spanking vs CP ?

2008-02-07T19:34:00.001+01:00

From reading all of this material, the would-be HOH will start to understand that there is rather more to this lifestyle than spanking. Indeed, it is our own experience that since we started DD, our bouts of erotic F/M spanking have all but vanished, as we believe that reserving CP purely for our discipline sessions is absolutely appropriate. Does this work for any of you?

Submission and how to TRY to do it!!

2008-02-04T23:03:00.000+01:00

So, we have seen in my previous entry how before we started on this journey that I'd have died rather than submit. Thus how on earth could it be possible that a lifestyle whose main premise is submission would actually turn out to be beneficial, want to find out then read on ...

First for those who are new to domestic discipline I will try to explain the concept briefly, of course every couple can, and indeed should, adapt the basic premise into something that works for them, thus I will explain here how we have decided to go about it. Having read the blogs mentioned to the right together with Mr LovingDD's informative site we decided on the following.

We agreed that we wanted to firstly have a 'maintenance spanking' regime, this was to provide a framework for me to learn to submit to my partner's authority. Initially we agreed three times a week, but this could be reduced to 2 or even once per week as long as my behaviour was improving (not too many punnishment spankings per week) and I was learning to properly submit.

Then we identified the main problem areas and created a set rules with which to tackle them . Our main rules revolved around what was considered to be acceptable behaviour from me to my partner, i.e. no more verbal abuse and general nastiness was to be allowed and I was to let him properly help and "take care of me".

Secondary rules we also agreed upon were; stopping me from neglecting myself, i.e. ensuring that I stuck to my regular exercise regime (to get fit and lose weight), and ensuring that our bedroom, where I would receive any spankings, was a peaceful, comfortable and calm haven (i.e. that it was kept tidy and the bed was made every morning before I left for work).

Finally my HoH added in a few minor rules concerning my physical appearance, partly for his own devious little pleasure and partly because he said that 'adding in these more trivial points would be beneficial in teaching me to submit in small ways', e.g. as he has a "thing" about women in 'virginal (!) white cotton full figured knickers' he decreed that these were to be the only type of underwear that I should be permitted to wear, no thongs were to be allowed (anyway I hate 'cheesewire' underwear so there was no argument from me on this score)!!!

Finally we agreed the level of punishment spankings to be given should I infringe any of the above rules.

Well that all sounds very simple doesn't it, and indeed it did, until the very first maintenance session.

I have to admit it was a rather surreal situation, in order to ensure that for our first 'try' at domestic discipline we would have plenty of time, peace and quiet, and absolutely no possibility of being disturbed by the kids we decided to go into our loft come family room as this has a lock on the door! Thus my putative HoH ordered me to collect the various spanking implements, to go upstairs to this room and adopt the agreed position - standing in the corner with my hands on head and he would be up in half an hour or so when I had had sufficient time to reflect on my behaviour and why it has led to the decision to try thus new lifestyle. Thus, as a good little submissive should I followed his instructions to the letter, well up to the point where I tried to enter the room and go to the corner. Sadly, unbeknown to me, at some point during the previous week it seems that the room had been struck by a freak hurricane, a bomb, sorry, improvised explosive device, or perhaps just a stampeding herd of elephants, all of whom had forgotten to tidy up after themselves. Thus in order to reach the corner and stand in it, I first had to tidy up the room, this did not put me in a particularly repentant and submissive mood, rather I was in a furiously bad mood, I can tell you and this just made the whole situation seem even more bizarre.

The perhaps ten minutes, I stood in that corner trying to calm down and get myself ready for this first session seemed more like a couple of hours and when my partner actually joined me there I have to say that it took all of my considerable willpower not to run away or tell him to 'get stuffed'. I was not convinced that after all of that I would be able to submit to him spanking me.

Apart from some creative strategies for dealing with my untidy, inconsiderate elephants, sorry children, mostly what was going through my head were the words of Sara, Vivian and C who wrote the blogs above, these were words that they wrote about themselves, but you see, these words could actually have been written about me. Reading their accounts was so scary, it was putting into words what I had been thinking and feeling for some time, but just could not express. It was in so many ways a relief to find out that I was not alone and that other intelligent, well-educated, career minded, strong women could think the same way. These women had found a solution to their problems, not a conventional one admittedly, nor an easy one, but this solution, this lifestyle choice resonated with me in a way that nothing else ever has in the more than 40 years I have been on this planet. This was the reason I was standing in the corner of my own loft, hands on head, waiting for what I knew was to be a physically and emotionally painful experience.

Yes it was painful, far more painful than I had imagined, in my naivety, that it would be. Some of the time I could not think because of the pain, all I could do was grit my teeth and wait for the next strike to land. Some of the time I could only hang my head in shame as I listened to the words which my HoH was using to scold me, as I could only admit that all he said was true, my behaviour was what had led us to this and nothing else, this was an incredibly embarrassing and humbling experience.

Yet at the same time it was a huge relief, I finally had someone who loved me so much that he wanted to help me to become a better person, to take away the extremely tiring and taxing burden of always being in charge, someone who was leading so that I need only follow. I have been the leader all my adult life and actually realising that I had found someone who I could truly trust sufficiently to be able to admit that I was too tired to go on doing this, that I wanted someone to take control for me was mindblowing.

Physically I was a wreck, I was clearly going to have to be extremely careful about sitting down for a number of days (my HoH was also clearly going to have to improve both his technique and his aim too, but more of that later), but mentally I was elated, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders so I could finally spread my wings and fly.

What a paradox, my submission to my HoH, and his forcing me not to be in control made me experience the greatest amount of freedom I have ever felt. Not only was I free but also amazingly secure. The huge amount of guilt about my outrageous treatment of my partner and the fears that this would force him to leave me were gone and I had finally found a place where I truly felt safe, loved and valued.

Submission, and how NOT to do it!

2008-02-02T23:05:00.000+01:00

Submission, gosh, even writing that word is extremely difficult for me, a card-carrying, and proud of it, member of Control Freaks Anonymous. Submission is all about giving up control, letting someone else drive, and you are not, repeat not, allowed to touch the steering wheeel, even with the little finger of one hand, nor may you give directions, they get to decide where to take you.

Even though I trust my partner completely, if I did not we could not live a DD lifestyle, letting him do this is so extremely difficult. My natural inclination is to keep one hand at least close to the wheel, just in case I need to grab it again (purely in cases of emergency you understand!!), or to at least direct him to exactly where I want to go. True submission in this case means sitting on my hands, keeping my mouth firmly shut and going wherever he decides.

Submission is particularly difficult too as outside the home, in my professional life, I need to be dominant, strong and decisive, having a clear understanding of where we need to go, when and how to get there. Also I naturally expect the people who work for me to follow my lead without question. Of course I do not expect them to behave as mindless morons and I am happy to encourage a health debate about the relevant issues, but ultimately I decide where we go, even if they do not like it, and thus I am responsible if I make the wrong decision. Inside the home, I clearly am not the boss and should submit to my HoH's authority, but switching between these two modes can be very difficult, especially as I am not accustomed to sumission in any form. We both agree that it is easier for the HoH, who can, of course, can retain his dominant role all all times, outside and inside the home.

So why submit at all I hear you all asking, well all one of you who have read this blog so far!! As I have mentioned before, I spent the whole of my married life being in control, making every decision for my family because no one else could or would. After my separation and subsequent divorce I had no choice but to continue doing this. I was the "boss" at work, supermum at home not to mention sole breadwinner, chief cook, bottle washer and general dogsbody. A pretty awesome set of responsibilities for one "small" woman!! It was also an extremely tiring set of responsibilities and even though I had to do all of this for my family to survive, day after day I was both physically and mentally exhausted, not to mention emotionally drained. But, in some way this was also comforting, as the rest of my life was so out of control I needed to be "in control" somewhere.

You would have thought that when I finally found someone new to share my life with I would have been happy to share some of the responsiilities too. Obviously I would not expect my new partner to finance me or the kids, but he did expect, naturally that he would be able to look after me. However, better the devil you know than the role you don't know as they say, and I just could not give up all this control and allow him to do that. Every time he tried to help I would push him away, I was too scared to admit that this is what I truly wanted him to do, in case he would see me as weak or useless, or try to take advantage of me. The more he tried to help the worse I became, always trying to put him down when he tried, just to make sure that he didn't come up for air a second or third time. It was getting to the stage that, he would ask if I wanted him, for example, to lay the table for supper, instead of saying "yes, thank you" like a normal person, I would start shouting and ask him if he thought I was so useless that I couldn't lay a table myself, following this up with a long list of insults about firstly how useless he was about laying a table anyway - so it was easier to do it myself and then, I would reel off a long catalogue of every other one of his miniscule little faults, just for good measure. Even though he would admit that he is not the most domestically capable of men he surely did not deserve, nor should he have expected, such a response from me when he was just trying to help.

Of course I could not allow myself to admit that what I really wanted was someone to take care of me, as this would mean that I would have to admit to some kind of weakness. So instead I looked after everyone else, friends, family, colleagues etc and neglected myself, always putting others' needs before mine.

Part of the want/need to be looked after does come partly from my Christian upbringing with the ideal of the strong husband, taking care of his weaker wife ("to love her like Christ loved [his bride] the Church", an awesome responsibility for any man), who submits fully to his authority (yeah right, as one of my teenagers might say!), and partly from my observation of my parents' marriage, which was incredibly strong and although I consider that my parents were equals in most things, I always felt that my father was the "boss" of the house and took care of my mother, even though she was more than capable of doing so herself.

Just so that it is clear to you all I want to make it clear that though I am a Christian this is NOT a blog about Christian Domestic Discipline as I feel very uncomfortable with the extremes to which some people go under this heading.

So to summarise, we have a woman who is desparate to submit to her strong man, but is fighting it with every atom of her being. She is so scared of the prospect, that not only, is she running very fast in the opposite direction screaming, she is also doing her best to completely destroy the man she adores and cannot live without. She is doing her best to drive him away with her vitriolic tongue and outrageous behaviour because this is prefarable to admitting that she is terrified of losing him.

We also have a man who is desparate to take care of her, if she will only let him, but is getting seriously hurt, because she really knows how to kick a man when he is down, after all she knows his every weakness and exploits each one mercilessly, as they are, after all, like two halves of a single person. He does not want to fight back in case he hurts her, because he feels she has gone through so much pain in the past few years, and he does not want to leave her (as a sane man should do) because he loves her too much.

How can you stop her self destructive behaviour which is destroying both of them? He knows she hates herself for the way she behaves, she knows she is going to drive him away eventually, it is just a question of time, but just does not seem able to stop. As he won't fight back, she suffers no consequences for her behaviour and just repeats it over and over. He wants to take care of her, to relieve her from some of her burdens, but she just can't, or won't, let him in.

What can anyone do in these circumstances? Well, that was the question we were asking ourselves time and time again, we just seemed to be going round in circles with no way out, me engaging in the self-destructive behaviour described above, driving him away millimeter by millimeter, him becoming more and more demoralised wondering how he could exit the relationship with his sanity intact.

That was the point at which we stumbled over the practice of domestic discipline, the light came on and my life was turned upside down. From reading the blogs listed above, I finally understood how it could all work, how I could be "made" to let it work. I was finally going to be forced to submit to his authority, to give up the control to him and let him decide what was right for me and most importantly I was going to have to suffer real consequences for my awful behaviour. In return, he was going to have a chance to finally wrest the role of HoH from my grasp and to see an awful lot of my bare backside!! In short, he was going to give me a damn good spanking the minute I put a toe out of line.

I was going finally have to accept the word "submission" as part of my vocabulary and to learn how to do it properly. Yes it was a scary thought, but in fact, far more scary was the possiility that I might lose him and I was prepared to submit to anything rather than face that prospect, even if that submission would likely prove to be extremely painful in both the physical and emotional sense.

In the next installment I will try to explain "submission and how to do it right", or at least how I try to do it as I am still somewhat of a novice in this respect and am still feeling my way in this unfamiliar territory. More importantly I will try to put into words the vast benefits that I have already experienced in the three months we have been living in a domestic discipline relationship, although it may seem unbelievable, there really are huge benefits to finally agreeing to submit to my partner's authority.

The Novice HOH

2008-02-02T16:13:00.000+01:00

A few notes for any would-be HOH:

a) When your partner expresses a desire to stand in the corner of her own bedroom, with her trousers & knickers around her ankles, hands on head, she is both paying you a great compliment and handing you a truly awesome degree of responsibility as the HOH. Or at least that was my experience.

b) There really is a knack to adminstering discipline. Do not be over-ambitious with the use of implements - you might cause damge to your partner, as opposed to maintaining your relationship.

c) Communication is all - before and after.

d) Do not expect immediate responses. These are roles that you will both have to grow into.

e) Set a consistently high example as HOH - a task that is often far more difficult than the actual punishment but even more essential.

f) And after all of these provisos, if you are anything like us, you may well reap some very genuine and lasting benefits.

DD and what it means to me

2008-01-31T17:30:00.000+01:00

Well where do I start, the whole concept of domestic discipline is such a complicated subject to get your head around, in fact it is hard enough to explain it even to myself, and I am living it. Nearly every day I experience some of its many positive benefits, some of these I expected to encounter when we started with this journey but we have discovered yet more positive facets which I could never have imagined as being linked to such a lifestyle.

I try to look at myself as an outsider would and imagine how I would explain to them why on earth someone like me; intelligent, strong, capable, opinionated, feminist leaning, highly responsible, with fulfilling, well paid career and the 'perfect' family, own car/house/teeth, could possibly experience anything positive in agreeing to have her bottom regularly and painfully spanked by a man if she should step out of line and break 'the rules', even if these are rules to which she has previously agreed.

This is indeed the paradox of DD, at face value it does not seem possible for it to work, after all why would anyone in their right mind agree to let someone else 'assault' them. As this clearly does not make any sense one must assume that any woman who is prepared to do this must obviously be desparate, have no self worth or perhaps is just plain crazy. If she is not then her partner must be a manipulative bully at best and a 'wife-beater' at worst.

But DD cannot work if any of the above are true, there has to be a balance in the relationship, both parties must be equals in the relationship, equal but with different roles. For a ship to function effectively it cannot have two captains...

Lookout: Iceberg dead ahead, whatever shall we do?
Captain A: Righto, I see it too, hard to port Steersman,
Captain B: No, no, no, that will never do, Steersman - hard to starboard,
Steersman: So which way should I turn?

CRASH

Lookout: To the lifeboats, abandon ship
Captain A: I'm supposed to say 'abandon ship'
Captain B: No, I'm supposed to say it

...glug, glug, glug ...

Ah, so that is what happened on the Titanic, but I digress, clearly someone has to have the final say, the ultimate authority to ensure the safety of the vessel and all who sail in her. For that authority to be meaningful and effective they have to be someone who is respected and trusted by those underneath them, or at the first sign of difficulty chaos will ensue and people will get hurt.

For me this is one of the many aspects which underpins a DD relationship, to ensure that the relationship remains healthy, one needs to lead and the other to follow. But to follow you have to trust that wherever you are led you, will be safe.

Part 1 - Welcome, Wilkommen and Bienvenue

2008-01-31T06:30:00.000+01:00

Well, how does one start, I am rather new to this whole blogging thing, but I have been so inspired by the other women who have decided to chronicle their own domestic discipline journeys (thank you Sara - findingsara.wordpress.com, C - rncblog.blogspot.com and Vivian - disciplinedfeminist.blogspot.com) that I have also decided to put pen to paper, well fingers to keyboard to be pedanctically correct, to try and capture my own slow progress down the sometimes rocky, sometimes glorious road which is DD.

Given the nature of the blog I will, of course, dedicate it to my wonderful HoH who since we started, our albeit short, DD life journey has been both a tower of strength and a smacker of bottoms, well actually just the one - mine!

Given the nature of the blog I will, of course, dedicate it to my wonderful HoH who since we started, our albeit short, DD life journey has been both a tower of strength and a smacker of bottoms, well actually just the one - mine!

So as this is "The Beginning" I suppose I should start with some kind of introduction, so here goes ... warning it may, no will, be long and rambling ...

My partner and I stumbled across the concept of Domestic Discipline (DD) completely by accident, while we were, to be honest actually searching for something erotic on the subject of spanking to augment our sex life. Reading blogs from the ladies listed above and the LDD site literally turned my life both upside down and inside out, just blowing my mind. It was if the pieces of a jigsaw which had been jumbled up for so many years inside my head had just suddenly fallen into place to reveal the image of the 'ready made solution to my problems', if only I had realised that it was "all so simple". Three months ago I had never heard of DD and now I cannot imagine living without it.

I am in my early forties with a partner in his late thirties, we have been together for a couple of years and intend to get married in the not so distant future, just need to find the time! I was married once before and have until I met my partner been bringing up, single-handedly the children from this marriage who range from primary school age to mid teens. This I had been doing at the same time as holding down a full time job in an extremely technical and male dominated environment. I have worked in this industry since I completed my Masters Degree nearly 20 years ago and am now in a senior position responsible for managing projects with large budgets typically in the 10 to 15 million Dollar bracket and have a pretty good salary commensurate with this level of responsibility.

Life has been very challenging, due to issues around my own childhood (I'll probably bore you all with more details of this in later blog entries) I picked the wrong man to marry and spent the whole of my marriage "wearing the trousers" in the relationship, bearing all of the financial, practical and emotional burdens of the family, taking on, mostly out of necessity (my ex neither had the ability nor the desire to do this) but also, to be truthful, partly as it is my nature, the Head of Household (HoH) role as well as the more traditional role of wife and mother. When I finally woke up and 'smelled the roses', extricating myself somewhat painfully from the marriage, I naturally carried on performing this role, knowing no other, acting for the last 5 years as both father and mother to my children, as well as providing the roof over their heads and the food on their table.

This was an extremely difficult and stressful time, bringing up 'lots' of children alone is hard at the best of times but doing this whilst working full time, as your life and theirs falls apart is for most people an impossible task. Indeed, I know I could not have survived these last few years if I had not been an incredibly strong, determined person. Some, might of course call me stubborn but I would counter that it was this stubborness that helped to save my life and bring me back from the brink of suicide on more than one occassion.

Today, after many years of therapy (!!) I can finally say that I am extremely proud of my achievement in both my professional life and with my children's progress, however, as to my success as a wife, this was as you may have gathered, a different story...

However, as I suspected, and you probably feared, this introduction has turned out to be rather (too) long, so to enable you all, gentle readers, to have a comfort break or to put the kettle on for a nice cup of tea, I'll stop here and put the rest in - "The Beginning - The Sequal".

Thank you for your perseverance in reading thus far, you deserve a medal, I hope you will stick around to enjoy - Part 2!

Hil

Part 2 - the beginning continued !

2008-01-31T01:13:00.000+01:00

Well after part 1 you would, by now, probably be thinking that me finding a fantastic man was a lovely end to a long and difficult story, but sadly this was not to be the case and this was solely my fault.

In this new partnership, as was the case in my marriage I still held on firmly, obsessively even, to the balance of power. Although my partner has an excellent reputation in his profession, it is not very well paid and I thus earn several times what my partner makes. I also have the kids, house and rest of the 'trappings of wealth' whilst he has very little to his name, other than a lot of rather old and awful cars and suits (sorry Darling!). Due to issues in his own past, he is also not a particularly strong or self-confident person and is gentle by nature I thus exploited him mercilessly. Having held the role of HoH for so I was not able, nor it seems willing to surrender this familiar role, despite the fact that what I knew I both wanted, and desperately needed, was a strong, dominant husband to take care of me. I wanted, desperately wanted, to relinquish the HoH role, which, in fact, I should never have had in the first place, and submit fully to his authority.

What we clearly needed was a way to redress the balance of power in our relationship, whilst I still thought I should retain the "HOH" roll for my children, I obviously needed to submit totally to him in our relationship, to let him take care of me. But the way that I was treating him, was often totally insulting and disrespectful, sort of constantly challenging him to take the dominant HOH role, whilst ensuring that he never got the chance to do so, due to my 'vitriolic' nature and his reluctance to fight back in case he upset me. As there were no consequences for me for this appalling and destructive behaviour, I continued to repeat it ad infinitum. He loved me so much he was prepared to put up with my behaviour because he did not want to leave me. I knew that this was not the way I wanted our life to be, I so despised myself for behaving in that way, but just seemed unable to stop. I was destroying our relationship, and I realised that I would do anything to make sure that we stayed together. This time, for the first time in my life, I did not just want to be with him because I was afraid of the alternative, being alone, I wanted to be with him. I knew I did not deserve such a wonderful man and I hated myself so much for behaving in this way but I just could not find a way to put on my 'brakes', everything just seemed so dark and depressing.

Then, we read the blogs on DD which I mentioned in part 1 of this introduction and it seemed as if the lights were switched back on, on full beam! The more I read about these strong, capable, highly intelligent women the more I realised that it was if they were describing me. The experience was overwhelming and somewhat scary, it seemed as if these women could read my mind. But, here in a most unlikely guise, for a seemingly dominant woman like myself, was the solution to all our problems, an ideal way for my partner to become my HOH and to take "proper charge of me". A way that ensures that I am forced to relinquish the HOH role, and submit, giving my partner both the space to take up that role and grow into it, and the tools to maintain it. I was going to have to suffer real consequences if I stepped out of line and broke any of the rules which we would jointly agree upon, and I would have to learn to submit, fully, to him.

DD finally makes me step on those brakes, both for my sake and his.