Every cloud has a silver lining ...

Well as I said my life was moving in a positive direction, but I did not know exactly how positive. Just when you think that you have everything"under control", and you know how much I like to do that, things take an unexpected turn.

I have been registered on a couple of BDSM dating sites, well a girl's gotta try hasn't she, for a few weeks now. As is the norm even with vanilla dating 95% of the people who have contacted me have a) not actually read my profile, b) despite that they still profess their undying love for me or c) are not even remotely like the sort of man I am looking for. For the remaining 5% most have actually read the profile and write to say that they liked it or make a small comment, sometimes I have exchanged a few e-mails with them or chatted online but none of them so far have really fitted the bill, nor have I fitted theirs. So while chatting with like minded kinksters is nice I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will not find anyone and that actually I am OK with that because it is so much nice living just with me now I like myself more.

It seems that the gods were smiling on me as pretty much as soon as I decided that being single again was a great idea, I got a contact from someone, really, truly, different. What he wrote to me was completely unlike any response I had received before and actually sent shivers running up and down my spine, something about not only what he was writing but the way that he was saying it leaped out from the page. Sure he had read my profile, but he had also analysed it in a really detailed way and wrote to argue a "couple of philosophical points" in it with me and to tell me what her really thought I meant when I wrote it. Wow and double wow, I thought, and wrote back.

Over the next day or so we had an extensive e-mail exchange and I really enjoyed the good natured "sparring", his teasing of me and his sense of humour which really seemed to match mine. Considering that he was doing all that "stuff" on many and varied topics in a language which is not his native tongue is all the more surprising.

We swapped Messenger IDs and chatted on-line about very many things, we found so much that we have in common both with our kinks and our vanilla lives and then we talked on the phone for 9 hours straight, all through the night until the next morning. The best thing is that he lives just 45 minutes drive south of me.

I have to admit to a "mild" obsession with the movie Mamma Mia, OK I just love that movie and have been to see it twice in the cinema, have the DVD on pre-order and have been trying to find an excuse to see it again. Sadly for him the poor guy had mentioned that he liked ABBA, so I decided that this was of course THE perfect excuse, also he had not heard of the movie at all so clearly needed to be "educated". He also decided that I need some "education" in German, so naturally the perfect solution was to go and see Mamma Mia but in German!

In person he was even more charming and we did have a lovely evening, he loved the movie too.

It is early days yet, but I can tell you I cannot wipe the smile off my face.

Hil

All Change

To all that read here regularly I am sorry that I have not been posting much, many things are in a great state of flux at the moment.

To all who don't read here, hey, you don't know what you are missing !!

As you all know I have been on a voyage of discovery and it seems that I have finally arrived to the place where I have come to both accept and start to like myself, kinks and all.

Unfortunately in the course of this voyage the things which I have realised that I need to have in my life, specifically from my partner are things that Andrew cannot and never will be able to give me; Safety, Dominance, Control and feeding of my masochistic tendencies.

Thus, finally we have parted ways as I did not feel that I really could continue to "pay" daily for the fact that I did not love him enough to give up these things that he could not give to me. Nor could he really cope with the reality of polyamory, as no matter what I would say he would always consider himself to be second best and that is not a role which he wanted to take. Thus I felt it would be better if I were to "free" him to walk another path, not the one with me where his "inadequacies" would be shoved in his face daily.

I am sad in some ways, because he is very hurt and understandably so, but glad in others because I had to invest a huge amount of one-sided effort into the relationship in order to make it work. He has helped me find my way to the path, that I am now happily following, and for that I am extremely grateful, but it is time for us to go our separate ways and move on.

Things for me continue to move in a positive direction, but more of that another day, for now I'll just end with a public thank-you to Andrew for helping me to find myself and to express my regrets that he lost me in the process.

Hil

Life, the Universe and Everything ...

I am a great fan of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and I am fast approaching the age which is the Ultimate Answer to the Question of "Life, the Universe and Everything".

So, I have been seeing if I can come up with my own answer to that question, I mean if a bunch of mice can manage it surely I can too. What does Life, the Universe and Everything mean for me?

In the past I would have found it so easy to answer the above question:

Life, the Universe and Everything = my children

And even now of course they are clearly the most important part of it, indeed life revolves around them (as does the Universe and Everything, at least as far as they, themselves are concerned!). Now instead of having removed myself completely from that equation I would now probably say it was something like this:

Life, the Universe and Everything = my children + me

Sure, most of what I have done and will continue to do, at least for the next few years until they complete university and leave the nest (please God!) involves making sure that they are happy, have the best start possible in life, a good education and a loving home (open 24/7, all mod cons and maid service available naturally, ha!). But in addition to all that I have been starting to think about what I want, for me, both in this transition phase while they are still growing and in the long term.

The path I have been following since the revelations of the summer has been quite rocky, I've had to face up to, my "darker" side, to the impact that the needs of this newly understood side has had on those close to me and to the challenges of actually allowing myself to admit to these needs.

Why is that a challenge, well I have spent the last 20 or so years doing things for everyone else (kids, partners, ex-husband, my family, his family, friends etc) and putting myself last in the list and it feels a bit weird to "see" my name so near the top of that same list now and not to associate this with any feelings of guilt. It is hard to explain why I used to feel guilty about doing things for myself, but I did, I suppose it was wrapped up in my total lack of self-confidence and self-worth, I was so awful that I did not deserve to do anything good for me so that if I did then I felt guilty. Stupid really, but that was really how I felt.

However, I do not feel like that now, I will always put my children, at least while they are still children, first, but now I come a close second!

Now I am happy and comfortable to be me, I have accepted who I am, warts and all and I am at peace with that. Even though I now understand what, or actually who, it is I need and I have written a number of posts over the last few months explaining this, I realise that (at least at the moment) I can actually live with the distinct probability that I will not find him. I think I can actually be happy just to be me and to LIKE being me.

Liking myself is such a weird feeling, I could really get used to it!

So perhaps 42 (years) is after all the answer, the answer to when one understands "Life, the Universe and Everything".

So long and thanks for all the FISH (Freindship In the Syber Hemispere!)

Hil

P.S. OK it's cyber but it didn't fit, call it artistic license!

P.P.S I'm not leaving either, I'll be back soon.

I'm back or rather we are ...

... the bug and I, it has me good and proper in its grip. Oh it is so clever, during the day it just raises its ugly head a few times but come the night I cough so much I even wake myself up, which is a serious pain as I find it near impossible to get to sleep because I am coughing too much, grrrr!

Life is weird at the moment a big mix of positives and negatives:

+ I have realised that for the first time in a long time, actually, the first time ever, I am actually comfortable being me, warts and all.


- Things are not going well with Andrew, OK so I only have myself to blame, but it is hard going.

- Due to various reasons (e.g. needing to spend one week in three out of the country for work), I have reluctantly decided to send my little one to boarding school like his sisters next year. So we went to visit a prospective school whilst on holiday, we both liked the place and the close, warm family atmosphere and the child led educational philosphies they follow. So he spent a couple of taster days and one night there and not only did he love it to bits, they also loved him to bits. They have very small classes so he will get all the individual attention he needs to reach his considerable potential, he is one seriously smart cookie e.g. he has a reading/spelling age of 11 and he is not yet 7 and his current school cannot really stretch him as he is so far in advance of all his classmates and they have to teach to their level and not his. The new school has less kids in the whole school than his current school has in just his own year group and they only have a dozen or so kids who actually board. The atmosphere is warm and welcoming and just like a close knit family so I know he will be fine and get enough attention. In fact, he is absolutely thrilled and keeps telling everyone about it. However, his mother is not coping well despite knowing all this, knowing that there are good reasons for him to go, because he is after all still my 'baby'.


+ 2 of my kids have had their birthdays and I managed to "get" my youngest by turning up with the complete family and a birthday cake or two and throwing a surprise party at her school, she had thought I was at home in Germany. You should have seen her face, priceless!

- my search for a new partner is not going well, I am probably too picky and demanding, but I suppose it is early days, there are some weirdos out there though!! (Anyone who knows a nice dominant guy who likes to spank and would love to take care of a mad rocket scientist, please could you point them in my direction (;-))

+ even though the lovely Bill has left Germany now, he might just have to pop back here for a quick visit to tie off all the lose ends, yay!

- Well I am off to cough myself to sleep once more and to try to drown the bug in cough syrup! Watch out he doesn't get you too...

Hil

Holiday Blues

No I've not disappeared, I'm just on holiday. Having lots of fun with my niece who is a cutie pie. The only trouble is I've developed a nasty cough which I just cannot shake. Why do I always get sick on my holidays, it is not fair, grr, whinge, whinge.

More as soon as I am back, if the cough doesn't get me of course!

Hil