Random Musings and Sadness

Andrew is having a hard time coping with the new dynamics in our relationship, he does not like the fact that I am no longer mothering him and he most definitely does not like that I am seeing other men, even though at the moment it is not for anything long term. So he is being exceeding unpleasant to me at the moment. He spends every evening going round in circles explaining how it is all my fault that I need a dominant (I know this) and that I have ruined his dreams of marriage etc, etc (I know this too). He wants to spend hours repeating the same discussions about how in theory the relationship will work if I bring a new partner into the dynamic. I say there is no point in talking theory as a) I do not have someone yet (and probably never will) and b) the actual dynamic will depend on the individual so there is no point in wasting time worrying about it until it happens. I know he is hurting but I do not know how to handle all this, it just feels like I am having salt rubbed into an open wound again and again.

In addition to that September is always a difficult month for me as it is the anniversary of my father's death. This year marks 15 years since he died and I can hardly believe how much has changed since then. In 1993 I was the mother of a 11 month old baby girl and was 4th months pregnant with my second child. Now I am the mother of 4 with my oldest about to turn 16.

How my father would have loved to see my children grow up, he was crazy about my first born and spoiled her rotten, he would not let me push her in her stroller when he was about, he insisted on pushing his granddaughter himself, sometimes even my mother could not get a look in!

As I have written before one of the things that I particularly need in a partner is someone who makes me feel safe and secure, I need to have boundaries to push against to be sure that they are there, consequences when I break the rules and someone else to take the reigns out of my hands so I can rest. All these things define safety for me. For my children and Andrew I am the person who fulfils that role, I make them feel safe, I organise their lives, make sure everything runs smoothly and that they want for nothing. As the oldest child I also feel that it is my role to also take care of my mother and my "little" sister (OK so she is nearly 39 but she is still my baby sister) and her family and to protect them all. But I have no-one to do that for me. I have to fight my own battles, I have to be constantly on guard and I never have any down time. Someone always needs something from me.

Yesterday with all of this sadness and hurt rolling around in my head and more than a few tears rolling down my cheeks I realised that the last time I actually felt safe was in September 1993 when my father was still alive. He was the person whom I trusted to protect me from harm even though I was a 25-year-old woman and mother of (nearly) 2 then. I'm nearly 42 now and have survived for fifteen years without him but I still have such a strong need to find someone else who can make me feel that way again. Silly isn't it.