I'm still here, honest, you just can't see me ...

Hi All

I am sorry that I have been away for so long but there has been a lot going on in my life, both inside my head and in reality which has made blogging too difficult for several reasons.

The reality part is a combination of the end of the school term and the chaos that causes when you have 4 kids to sort out (in 2 different countries and 3 different schools) with the usual round of concerts, sports days and exams to manage and the shenanigans of my ex-husband. He has been acting in a manner which at least spectacularly stupid and at worst possibly dangerous and I have had to spend some considerable time ensuring that my children are properly protected from the worst of his actions by numerous consultations with various legal and professional authorities.

This latest incident is just one of a series which is part of an ongoing saga which stretches back more than 5 years, although I am more able to handle the situation now and do not get as upset as I did before, it is nevertheless emotionally and physically draining to have to do it and it leaves me unable to give much energy to anything else. But the next steps are in the hands of the police and the lawyers and for now I can do no more thus I have time to "enjoy" a bit of a breathing space and to deal with the "stuff" inside my head.

So with no further ado I'll move on to that !

As you will have seem from my recent posts I have been struggling to come to terms with some parts of me which have been slowly emerging as Andrew and I have been following our DD path, namely submission and masochism. I have known, since I was in my mid teens, that these parts of me existed but had not been able to acknowledge or admit to them until very recently. As a small aside I can honestly say that "choosing" a relationship where I get regularly spanked had absolutely nothing to do with these masochistic tendencies, in fact they did not enter my head at all, as chronicled earlier in this blog we started DD for completely different reasons.

However, I digress, what has been happening over the last few months is that I have found that this journey seems to be changing my life in a really radical way and this is not because DD/ BDSM is in itself a radical lifestyle, but because it has started to change something much more fundamental within me.

I have spent some considerable time discussing all this with The Heron Clan, mostly because they are wonderfully nice, non judgemental people, who have "been there done that" in the DD/BDSM world but also because they have some real understanding of my issues on a much deeper level coupled with a real gift for mentoring and excellent communication. Swan pointed out to me that I ought to be posting all my conflicts here in the blog, not because I have found answers yet, because I haven't, but because it helps to write it all down, and perhaps it might help me unravel it a bit, a tough task but here goes!

Well what is the problem, let me try to explain...

Although the changes in Andrew's and my life which we wanted to bring about by embarking on this DD path have indeed started to bear fruit the truth is that this new journey has actually started to change my life in a completely unexpected and radical way, not because DD/BDSM is a "radical" lifestyle but because it has started to make me feel that perhaps I am "finally" allowed to do something for me and this is a pretty unusual concept for me.

For most of my adult life I have lived to do things for other people (partners, husband, kids, family, colleagues), sometimes even doing things to them happy even if they did not make me happy. The truth is that I have always put my needs/wants/desires on hold and made sure that their needs/wants/desires were fulfilled. It is what I believe(d) the traditional role of wife and mother was really about, even though I clearly was/am not a typical wife and mother but perhaps even more because I was not. This traditionalist view was also carried through in my beliefs about sex, a woman is supposed to be totally submissive in the bedroom and lie back and think of England she is not supposed to ask for sex and she is definitely not supposed to like pain etc. I have found that actually I am only happy adopting a submissive role in the bedroom and that when forced into a more dominant role with my ex-husband I was really unhappy. Strangely this is one place where I am a reasonably good submissive, if I can just lick that in the rest of my life that would be great!!

I started therapy 5 years ago after a nervous breakdown induced by a very stressful situation caused by my ex-husband, what I thought would be a short term thing to get me through these issues and involve much cursing and swearing about my stupid ex has turned out to be a long term thing where I mostly talked about me and started to finally deal with the very significant issues that I had, irrespective of the stress related to my ex. Most of my problems centered on my extremely negative self image which was deeply ingrained from years and years of bullying at school. Although I am very lucky in that I had and indeed still have a very supportive and loving family, my school environment was extremely abusive, in short a living hell. In short I had believed everything that the bullies had told me about myself and despite outwardly being a confident and happy person, inside I was deeply unhappy and self-loathing.

It was this self-loathing had always meant that I refused to "allow" myself to do anything that was good for me or would make me happy. I hated the fact that I was overweight but could/would not control my eating, indeed I would often deliberately eat the wrong things to "punish" myself and reinforce the view that I was fat, ugly and useless as I had been told for years. Yet I would proclaim to the world that I was happy with my size and it was the rest of society who were wrong and narrow minded, they should love me for who I was on the inside and not what I looked like on the outside, despite the fact that I despised myself.

This "double bluff" worked well for so long that I had managed to convince myself that it was not my problem it was just the world's problem and it was only through the many, many sessions with my patient therapist that I was finally able to first identify this negative record, that was constantly playing in my head, and then counter it's damaging effects. Thus about 18 months ago I finally started to exercise and lose some weight and become much more happy with my body. I even started to really enjoy the exercising, something that I had always considered as a necessary evil before. I get so much satisfaction when I run 5km or have a good session in the gym, things I never thought I could do in a million years, things that the bullies had said I could never do because I was so fat. I will be honest and say that the record is still there, I know it and recognise it for what it is, but sometimes I still have problems not reacting to it. It sometimes tells me for instance that, because I not only enjoy running and the gym but they are also good for me, I am not "allowed" to do them.

I have been battling this mindset for a while and have been working with my therapist on getting used to the idea that I should be "allowed" to do things that make me happy. As I said before I have spent a lot of my life doing things to make other people happy even though, in some cases it did not make me happy or indeed made me very miserable, but I do get great satisfaction, or you could call it "indirect happiness" out of making others happy. However, "direct" happiness, doing things just for me, because I want to, has not been possible, or if possible has been associated with great feelings of guilt, e.g. I cannot go shopping to spend the money (that I alone work hard to earn) on myself unless I really "need" the item, but I can buy totally frivolous things for other people who clearly do not need, nor often in the case of my kids deserve them. I suppose in a warped way doing things to make others happy and at the same time me unhappy has continued to "feed" my need to punish myself because I "know" I am a bad person, I suspect this is why this behaviour has continued for so long.

And so to now, coming to terms with my self image issues when dealing with "normal" things like diet, exercise and body image was one thing but now, starting to deal with much more "not normal", but even deeper and stronger issues like submission and masochism is a whole new ball game. I am already "bad" as I am overweight and cannot control my eating, for example, what must I be because I have a deep desire to be submissive and an enjoyment of pain - crazy, evil, certifiable?

Perversely it is purely because these needs are so strong that I have been forced to address them, now I have taken "it" out of the box, I cannot put "it" back. I have finally to admit that there is something that I want AND need so strongly that I cannot any longer suppress it. I am going to have to "allow" myself to have something that I actually want, because I cannot face the alternative, living without it, this now seems impossible. It is too late to turn back, I am out of control now, even though I am terrified of what the future may hold as Andrew and I continue down this path, I know I cannot go back to life as it was.

So the battle between what I want (the good stuff) and what I am "allowed" to have (the bad stuff) has been raging for a few weeks now. It seems the more I move down the path to what I want towards submission the harder the other good stuff (diet and exercise) becomes to do. I have been eating badly and missing the gym in order to somehow "compensate" for exploring and enjoying the "wanted" submissive and masochistic side of me. It is like I have to do these negative things to balance out the positive ones.

So, this is part one of my current turmoil, I'll try and post the rest in a couple of days, just need to put the washing on and start packing for my holiday which starts on Friday - yippee.

Hil

Depression and DD

How do you handle DD when your HoH suffers from depression?


My previous posts have dealt with my problems around dealing with DD when my partner behaves in a non-HoH manner, but these have been times when one could say that he made a 'conscious' choice to not behave in that way, e.g. to wind me up. What do you do when your partner is not acting as your HoH when it is not really their fault?

What I am talking about here, for us, is that my partner suffers from depression and has done so since his mid teens, he is now in his late thirties. His self confidence plummets, he considers himself worthless and he stops making rational decisions. He also tends to be extremely 'economical with the truth', lying by omission or telling me what he thinks I want to hear rather than the whole truth. Once I worm out this truth my natural tendency is, of course, to take control of the situation and make the relevant 'sensible' decisions for him. I then 'mother' or bully him in equal amounts to try and get him to snap out of this 'depressive mood'. The trouble is that stepping in negates the very reasons we started this DD journey to avoid.

I know that we are a couple and thus should support each other in all areas, I should be able to step in when he is not able to do something as he does when the situation is reversed. In most areas this is fine and we do just that, e.g. he does not like driving particularly and I do, so in general when we go out I drive, I have great difficulty saying 'no' to people who want my help so he says 'no' for me. But in this one critical area, this HoH role if I step in I feel that this just puts me back to square one, where we were before DD. I do not really want to go back to that place again, the one before DD (it is not nice for either of us when I do). But I cannot stand by while he makes a mess of things, I do not mean small things either, these can be important things which could negatively affect our future. It is not that I cannot step in, obviously I can or we would have had no issues in the power dynamic of our relationship and would not need DD, but should I?

This may seem to be a bit of a whine and I suppose it is, I do understand what depression is like, as I had a breakdown myself a few years ago, but the difference was that mine was caused mostly by external factors rather than Andrew's 'imaginary' internal factors. It is hard when I see a man who is highly intelligent (he is a member of MENSA no less!!), who is extremely well respected in his professional and personal lives and who is most capable in many ways even though he is a tad challenged in the 'common sense' and domestic engineering departments, acting like an angst ridden and sulky teenager.

He has also told me that when he is depressed the only time he actually feels good about himself is when he is giving me my, as he says 'much needed maintenance disciplines' or a punishment spanking.

I know it should not, but it does nevertheless, make me angry and hurt when he acts this way even knowing that depression is all about not acting rationally and that it is not really his fault. It is just that I "need" him to NOT be like this.

I suppose that perhaps I could just ask for a spanking and then lie down and let him 'spank' me until he feels better, but this might be rather a painful solution, at least for me. But this is perhaps the one time that I would be happy to let him spank me when he is not behaving in a true HoH manner.

If anyone has any ideas or experience about how to deal with this complex issue I would love to hear them.

Thanks for listening, I hope I will not whinge so much in the next post but I do need to vent a bit, better to do it here than to Andrew directly even though I know he reads these posts.

Hil

To spank or not to spank, that is the question ...

As you will have seen I have struggled with the issue of fairness in our DD relationship, in fact anyone who practices DD will have done the same at some time. One recurring theme is when I consider that Andrew has 'contributed' to my bad behaviour in some way, for example by not behaving in a "true HoH" manner or by goading me in some way, and thus I feel that a punishment is therefore not appropriate or fair. We have had many a heated debate on this subject often with me over his knee vigorously protesting my 'innocence".

Deciding what he should do at this point, in the heat of the moment, especially when he admits to some degree of ‘contributory negligence’ on his part, is very difficult to do and often he has thus decided not to spank me. In the heat of the moment I am of course happy that he decides not to, feeling entirely justified for acting out, because “he made me”.

However, when I am calm, I have to admit that because I am mentally excusing my behaviour by blaming him, I am not really trying hard enough to correct the behaviour we embarked on this DD lifestyle to change. I really do not want to behave badly even when provoked, or perhaps especially when provoked. Thus, I finally explained to him my feelings on this subject.

In reply, Andrew told me that he feels uncomfortable about being seen to be unjust if he spanks me when he has provoked me, as he considers that it is important for an HoH to be completely fair.

Sadly, following the above confession of my devious self deception, he informs me that he is going to “save me from myself” and “steel himself” to spank me whenever he sees fit, whether I was provoked or not into my bad behaviour, though as he admits it will probably “hurt me more than him to do so”.

I do so hate it when he tries to be funny …

What to do while he is away?

I called this blog "DD sans Frontières" to reflect the fact that because of our work commitments Andrew and I spend a lot of our time living in different countries. I have lived and worked here in mainland Europe for more than a dozen years (although I am from the UK) and since we have got together he has flitted between here and the UK depending on his work requirements. Thus, after a couple of weeks together he has just left to go back to the UK and I already feel upset.

My last post recorded the stresses (and spankings) of the last couple of weeks and due to my awful behaviour he had warned me that if I earned myself just one more punishment spanking then he would once again up the maintenance sessions from 3 to 4. Despite my best efforts to behave and his best efforts at our maintenance spankings as the time came closer to him leaving I could feel myself becoming more and more angry because he was going to, please forgive the melodrama, “leave me all alone”, so of course finally I just lost it and had a real go at him in front of the kids. This I should not do as it is hard enough for him to be a step parent to my children (who are naturally as intelligent, opinionated and stubborn as their mother) at the best of times, and even more so when I undermine his limited authority by shouting at him in front of them.

I have noticed that when he goes away or is away that I seem to try to pick fights with him as I feel bad, I feel abandoned and I want him to be “sorry” that he is “doing” this to me. These feelings just do not make sense to me at all though and I find it rather scary to find I rely on someone else so much. Why should I feel this way now as I am used to being alone, even when I was married I felt alone as I had to shoulder so much responsibility without any help and when I separated then divorced I spent several years alone working full time, running the household and looking after my kids single handedly. So why when he leaves do I start to unravel? It is not that I miss him doing the practical stuff around the house as I do most of that anyway, it is not that I am afraid of being alone per se, so why am I so upset? The only way that I can seem to explain it at all is that I am so scared of not receiving my regular maintenance spankings because they stop me slipping back into my old destructive ways (which nearly split us up), they remind me of who is in charge (yes it is not me!) and most important of all they show me how much he loves and cherishes me.

For us, as well as many of the other DD bloggers, these maintenance sessions are a great place for us to be totally connected, away from the stresses and strains of juggling family and work commitments, just to be alone and be us. Communication is absolutely paramount in a DD relationship as anyone who lives this “peculiar” lifestyle will know and this is also a time when we make time to communicate with each other, mostly he talks and I listen, but that is OK. If I have anything important to say then I often tell him this while OTK for a maintenance session, I know he is totally focussed on me and my needs and he will pay full attention to what I say when I am lying in that position of total and utter submission. It is also a place where I feel totally calm, safe, protected and loved (perhaps this is my inner child coming to the fore) even when I am lying there with a scarlet, throbbing backside. In fact sometimes I ask to lie in this position when we are alone and I am not due for maintenance/punishment as it does make me feel calm. I am going to miss this for the next few weeks.

Perhaps I should not be whinging about not getting my maintenance sessions, especially as you will have guessed my last little temper tantrum earned me a spanking plus the threatened additional weekly maintenance session. I would like to claim that I have no idea how I managed to go from being a “good girl” with a modest 2 sessions per week to a serious “brat” with 4/week but of course I do know exactly how I achieved that!! Thus, in reality I will manage to escape from a total of 12 spankings as he is away for the next 3 weeks, but I am not relieved by that at all, instead it makes me feel totally devastated. To cap it all, he said to me before he left that it will be a real pity that when he returns he will have to spend a lot of his time taking down my knickers to spank me, instead of removing them for other more pleasurable activities. I have to say that this did make me feel exceedingly guilty because it is my behaviour has caused him to have to “waste” his time in this way. Grrrrr, why do I do it?