One year older ...

... and not a bit wiser or sensible!

But hey, I am enjoying all of that irresponsibility.

Life is mostly calm, only 2 out of 3 daughters have broken up with their boyfriends (OK then one boyfriend reconsidered and now they are all loved dovey again)! But despite these "disasters" all three of them remembered to call me to wish me a Happy Birthday, and on the actual day and I did not have to remind them, yippee.

I had a great meal out yesterday with friends (only one piece of cake was eaten, but it was my birthday!) and my house is now filled with some gorgeous flowers and some fantastic red vases which match my new kitchen perfectly.

I have been working hard on positive reinforcement to start dealing with my issues around my appearance. It is coming together slowly, but then the damage was done over a number of years so it will take a while to reprogramme.

However, I have saved the best news for last, I have after a break of far too many months, started running again (so far runs of 2.5km, 1.6km, 2.5km, 3.2km and 5km in the last week or so). This is thanks to some serious inspiration or was that incentives provided by a new Dom friend (you know who you are - thank you) and have also started back at the gym. So life is really feeling much better, the endorphin rush I get from exercise is almost, but not quite as good as the one from a serious spanking session! That said I'd take a good spanking over a run any time!!

Hil

Where am I ?

Good question, huh!

It is easily answered in the literal sense as I am sitting at my laptop which is in my kitchen, in my house, which is located in a small village in the middle of Germany, Europe, the World!

In the metaphysical sense is is anything but simple, and I do not know the answer to that question at all. After a lot of soul searching, much thought and a fair few posts, I have finally decided where to go next. The trouble is how to get there. If any of you happen to have a map showing me the correct / easiest / shortest way that would be extremely helpful.

In the short term my need to get spanked, to defuse some of the building stress, is what seems to be mostly on my mind, in truth I am totally obsessing about it. I was helping friends to move house yesterday and whilst moving one of the bags I managed to whip myself on the ear with an old riding whip, I know must have been really clever to achieve this by accident, you had to be there!!! It of course hurt like mad but sadly it drew my attention towards the whip and thus I spent the next few hours fantasising about it being applied to my backside, aaahhh, help someone!

On the other hand obsessing about spanking has had some benefits as it has managed to take my mind off the upset caused by Mike last week and the court case against my ex which is coming up next week.

The trouble is the long term, I know that it is not just about spanking, it is much, much more than that, I really need to find that dominant, controlling man. I really, really need to find someone to submit to, to set boundaries, to give me a place where I feel safe.

And there is the rub, all this "stuff" that I need makes "dating" much more difficult, it makes you much more vulnerable and more open to hurt because you need to expose your "soft underbelly", at least a bit. How do you do this and avoid the Mikes of this world at the same time? Answers on a postcard please ...


... on the other hand getting spanked right now would let the pressure off a bit, wouldn't it!

Where to next - part 2 - Dominance

Dominance, what does it mean? Well Dictionary.com gives the following definition:

dom·i·nance ,noun

1.	rule; control; authority; ascendancy.

2.	the condition of being dominant.

3.	Psychology. the disposition of an individual to assert control in dealing with others.

Point 3 just about sums it up for me "the disposition of an individual to assert control in dealing with others". How do I know, well because I have met Raheretic and there is just "something" about a true dominant which allows you to know with absolute certainty that he is a dominant and has a "disposition-to-assert-control". He has a tangible presence, an attitude and bearing rather than a physical presence which just lets you know this. It is not a sort of "malign" influence where you feel unexpectedly frightened in his presence, actually you do not at all feel that way, in fact you feel completely secure. I'm sure most women have met men who frightened them or made them really uncomfortable, yet there was no real overt reason for this to be so, it was not like this at all.

Until this point I can say that I had never met a true dominant. During all of our IM, phone and e-mail contact with the Herons there was just "something" about Raheretic that I could not explain. One way to explain it is that I never really used the designation "Sir" to refer to Andrew, it has always seemed a little silly, theatrical or OTT for me, but, I found that in my head I wanted to say "Sir" when I talked to Raheretic, even though I did not do so out loud because at that time it still seemed a little strange to me.

One one of our first evenings in an attempt to improve his techniques Andrew asked to try out several of Raheretic's paddles. It was a bizarre situation for me, the first time, excepting my regular visits to German saunas which are clothes free, where I had ever been either naked in front of "strangers" or spanked in public. Andrew and Raheretic discussed spanking techniques and demonstrated upon me while I was lying over Andrew's knee. Then Raheretic told me to stand up and bend over the bench, he explained that when he was in charge I was to do exactly what he said, I was to stand where he said, do as I was told immediately and was not to speak or move unless he gave me permission. I then got to sample a number of different paddles, though I am not really sure which ones as I could not see!. The paddling was exceedingly painful and it was all I could do to hang onto the bench and stand still, I was clutching the bench for dear life until my knuckles were white. But it just did not occur to me to move, painful as it was, I would not have done so because Raheretic had told me not to. It was as simple as that.

The following night I got to experience Swan's beloved flogging frame, it is a great piece of design, has both artistic form and function as both an item of furniture and an instrument of torture, which as an engineer I appreciated greatly. Actually as a masochist I appreciated it's functional form a great deal too!

First Raheretic gave Swan a flogging which she has described here better than I ever could. It was incredible to see their chemistry, their closeness, their togetherness in action, their love for each other just radiated out into the room. This was amazing but I experienced something I did not expect, I have never seen anyone else spanked/flogged and even though Swan seemed to be enjoying it, even revelling in it, I found that I could not watch, I had to close my eyes because it upset me to the point that it made me cry, I can't really explain it other than I felt like it would have been easier for me to have been standing there in her place, taking her pain for her rather than watching her experience it, and I do not mean that I was jealous and wanted to be spanked instead of her, more that I wanted to take away her pain, to "save" her from it, even though I know that she too is a masochist and was enjoying it.

Then it was my turn and I stepped up onto the frame. There were almost no words exchanged between Raheretic and me, I just knew what I was supposed to do, he had told me once the night before and there was no need for him to tell me again, I was just to stand on that frame, keep still and do as I was told.

I know that he went through all manner of implements, floggers, whips, canes, quirts etc of varying weights and designs, he also used I believe a knife and a Wartenburg wheel (at least that is what Andrew told me later), many of them made me want to scream with pain (but I was also aware that I could not do this as it might to upset the neighbours, being quiet was one of the rules that Raheretic had mentioned the night before too), I was sobbing my heart out at several points, crying silently in others, I know that I was holding onto the frame for dear life, one slightly surreal moment was when I realised the downside of perfectly manicured, false nails, they are just not at all sharp and thus you cannot dig them into your palms to help cope with the pain (I know I was really trying!). I also tried most if not all of the pain distraction techniques I had learned whilst in labour having my 4 kids, but the pain was worse than childbirth "au naturelle" and they just did not distract me. But despite all of the above I did not want it to end. I just knew that I was going to stand there and do as He had said, it would not have occurred to me to disobey him in any way. It was not that I would not have dared to because I was frightened, it was just that this was just not an option. I suppose I could have yelled at him to stop, not that he would have done of course as he is a sadist, but I just would not and could not have done so.

I did not know how long it lasted, 30 mins or so was Andrew's estimate. At some point I finally entered what I believe is called "subspace", I could still feel the pain, was still connected to it but at the same time I was floating somewhere up on the ceiling and did NOT want to come down, NO way NO how.

And then suddenly it was over, I recall Raheretic telling me that he thought I had had enough. In my head I was screaming "NO, please DON'T stop" but I could not have verbalised those thoughts even if I had tried. It was the longest, most incredibly painful session I have ever had combined with being the most amazing, mind blowing experience of my entire 41 years. In some ways even more mind blowing than giving birth, because I was not expecting it to be like that.

This is what dominance means to me, it is personality, attitude and presence. After that one 30 minutes I just knew that I wanted, no needed, to have someone in my life who could "do" that to me, to make me feel and act that way.

I am not talking here about the flogging, nor am I implying that I "fell in love" with Raheretic, because I did not (lovely though he is!), I am talking about finally "getting it", finally understanding that what I need in my life is a strong, dominant man.

I struggled with this issue for several days and finally talked it over with Raheretic, telling him that I had realised I finally understood that what I truly crave, a true dominant man to be in control. Even if that man never, ever, spanked me, even though I would be really sad I could live with it, as long as he had that Dominant "je ne sais pas" thing that makes me go weak at the knees when I hear his voice.

That thing that Raheretic has and Andrew does not, that thing that I now know I cannot do without. Sure if he were to be a dominant as well as a sadist who likes to spank then that would be great, as long as he is a Dominant with a capital 'D' then that is OK by me.

Hil

More hurt and upset, why can't life be simple?

Andrew was here briefly over the weekend, coming to collect the kids and accompany them back to school and like the gentleman he is, he offered to spank me. I wasn't sure what to do with that offer as I know that the level of pain I need him to inflict to do me any good is not the level that he is comfortable with, he just likes a little playful light spanking, not the full on flogging that I want. The trouble was that it has been more than 3 weeks since I last had a decent spanking and I was just craving a good long and hard session. In short I just could not say no and in addition a friend had bought me a nice paddle/tawse cross sort of thing as a present from Amsterdam and I wanted to try it out. Well in the past I have said that what I really like is a good hard flogging with style and finesse, but failing that brute force will just have to do. This time it didn't, I do not know whether it was the fact that I haven't been spanked for so long and have gone all wimpy, or that I know that Andrew is really unhappy hurting me or just that my head just isn't right at the moment, but it was a disaster for me, it just left me feeling frustrated, angry and on edge. It was not Andrew's fault at all, I should just have said no.

The trouble is that I have this real physical longing my whole body aches with a craving to be spanked, it isn't just a mental thing it has a huge physical part, like an itch that I can't scratch and it is driving me insane. I was so desperate with this feeling that I even found myself sending an e-mail to a random stranger (on one of the BDSM dating sites that I have joined to look for a new partner) and asking if he wants to give me a damn good spanking, just because he is a dominant, he lives nearby and likes to spank, I must be crazy. The trouble is I am also desperate to be spanked and I do not know what to do.

So Monday morning rolls around, I am stressed because of the failed spanking of Saturday night, but mostly coping and then my stupid ex-husband upsets the apple cart again.

Today the Police took him to court to take out an order banning him from certain dangerous behaviour that he has been indulging in, instead of just accepting the order he decided to fight it, so I am forced to have to fight him in court.

Although they have said I can prepared a written submission for the police to introduce on my behalf they would prefer me to be in court to represent myself and counter any argument he might have. So I have to face him again and I don't think I can. But I want him out of my life and the lives of my children and it seems that the best way for me to ensure this is to go to court, oh hell, I do not want to have to do this, I don't think I am up to it, but what choice do I have? Why can't he just drop dead and make my day.

Finally as not to end on a negative note, I have been chatting (on-line and off) to a lovely British guy called Mike, one of the few sane people that I have met from the above mentioned dating sites, he is sane as he actually read all through my profile and did not just try to send me pictures of his genitalia. So far we seem to be hitting it off, he has listened to me rambling about all my issues, listened to me fantasising about his whips and the like and he does seem to understand where I am coming from. Wish me luck as we try to deepen our friendship.

That's it for now, I'll try to post part 2 of the "Where to now?" on Domination and what it means to me later in the week if real life doesn't get in the way and I have some strength left after writing the letter to the court.

Hil

Stress

OK the situation at my place is as follows, I currently have my ex-husband, his new partner, my partner and all my kids at home. My ex and I have been separated for 5 years and divorced for 2 1/2. Our breakup was extremely complicated and suffice it to say that the circumstances that surrounded it were extremely stressful to the extent that coping with all these issues (many of which are ongoing) still necessitates a weekly visit for me to a psychiatrist who is helping me work through them. Without going into the gory details I can say that one of the least of the problems was my ex's alcoholism, and as such you can perhaps understand that the other problems are obviously at a rather major level.

Due to these issues the children have only had limited contact with their father since our separation and I have continued to shield them as much as I can from the ongoing problems. However at the beginning of last year my ex's behaviour deteriorated to the point that I had to stop them seeing him completely. This was obviously very distressing for both him and them. Despite what has happened all of the kids wanted very much to see their father again and thus after the intervention and support from a number of professional organisations we managed to reach a sort of compromise situation where they could see him for short, accompanied visits.

To cut a long story short, in the last few months he has both seen the error of his ways and has met a lovely new woman and things have improved to the point where I felt prepared to have him visit the children at home. This means that they can spend some lengthy quality time with him and meet his new partner too.

I have been absolutely dreading this visit, partly because it means having the man who caused me so much hurt in my home again and partly because it also means having a 'stranger' in my house too. Well that and the fact that the kids are all home from school with the "normal" chaos that usually involves. Oh and did I mention that the ex is fitting a new kitchen (in return for me paying for their airfares here) which means that the contents of the old kitchen currently reside in the dining room so meals (take aways) are taken in the living room and everywhere is in total chaos and covered in sawdust or plaster dust. Aaahhh, men in white coats come and take me away now.

The "trouble" is that it has been absolutely fine, my ex has behaved impeccably, his new partner is absolutely lovely and we get on like a house on fire. Not to mention that she likes the kids, the kids like her and she has common sense in spades and has helped me with the cooking, washing and cleaning. I feel so stressed because I am not stressed if that makes any sense at all, which it probably doesn't.

This stress has been simmering below the surface over the last week and I know it has been colouring the previous maintenance sessions that I have already written about. I have felt like a kettle just below boiling point, gently steaming away but not relieving the pressure and tension of this pent up stress. The only place I have been able to find an outlet for the stress is by 'working it all out' on Andrew. Yes I have been awful to my HoH, snappy, critical and disrespectful and he is becoming seriously fed up with my behaviour and I can't say I blame him.

The trouble is because he is too nice I have been "getting away with blue murder" because he is being really lenient with me, because of the situation. Thus I have been such a brat, trying to provoke him, I suppose, into giving me the stress relief spankings I need but just cannot bring myself to ask for. I am so disappointed in myself for doing this but I find it so hard to ask him to spank me especially as he is already doing that enough just for maintenance.

I do hope that he reads this and lets me have it!

Hil

Maintenance #3

Well was really doing well on Sunday but blew it again on Tuesday. I had a terrible day at work having to deal with a lot of agro when someone else's mistake was made into my problem so I had to sort out the mess. This took so long that I did not have time to either go to my lunchtime stress busting gym session nor to have lunch which did not help.

Thus I was already pretty wound up when I found the icing on the cake, I had left my coat in the car which I had not taken to work. So I ended up walking and bus-riding in the freezing cold.

I did not have the car as at present my ex-husband, with whom I have had a very difficult relationship for sometime (although we are trying to put this behind us and make a big effort to be friends for the children) and his new girlfriend are visiting from England so that she can meet the little monsters, sorry darlings, and he is, in return for me paying for his flights, fitting a new kitchen for me and has been using my car to get all the bits and bobs he needs.

Thus with all these factors I know I was not in a good mood and I snapped at Andrew when I got home as he made a stupid remark. I was expecting a bit of sympathy but he did not give me any. Thus until bed time whilst frantically building kitchen cupboards I sat and fumed and worked myself up into a real sulk.

Deciding that maintenance was "not happening no way José" I jumped into bed instead of waiting for Andrew as I am supposed to on maintenance days. This did not go down well with him and we had our usual discussion about me not being in control and him deciding when and where he will discipline me. Well he talked at me and I sulked back. So I got spanked anyway as he promised that I would even if I did not comply.

Unfortunately, he told me that he would continue to spank me until I begged him to stop, but in my major sulk mode there was no way I was letting him "beat me" (ha, ha) by asking him to stop. Thus he continued for a seriously long time until I just could not take it any more and had no option but to give in and plead for him to cease.

Suffice it to say my backside is now extremely painful as that was the worst spanking I have ever received. But I have to say that I probably deserved it for being such a brat, and that afterwards I felt so much better, I still hate it when that happens, when he gets it so right and knows what I need when I do not.

The following morning, literally, just before I was due to walk out the door to work, to another stressful day he ordered me over his knee again and gave me a number of hard swats with the paddle. Boy was I cross as I felt I did not have time, I was all dressed up in best executive mode and I did not deserve it. But all Andrew said was, 'now you will be mad at me and not at your colleagues, so you can have a much calmer day at work'. Damn it, he was right on that score too.

Hil

What to do while he is away?

I called this blog "DD sans Frontières" to reflect the fact that because of our work commitments Andrew and I spend a lot of our time living in different countries. I have lived and worked here in mainland Europe for more than a dozen years (although I am from the UK) and since we have got together he has flitted between here and the UK depending on his work requirements. Thus, after a couple of weeks together he has just left to go back to the UK and I already feel upset.

My last post recorded the stresses (and spankings) of the last couple of weeks and due to my awful behaviour he had warned me that if I earned myself just one more punishment spanking then he would once again up the maintenance sessions from 3 to 4. Despite my best efforts to behave and his best efforts at our maintenance spankings as the time came closer to him leaving I could feel myself becoming more and more angry because he was going to, please forgive the melodrama, “leave me all alone”, so of course finally I just lost it and had a real go at him in front of the kids. This I should not do as it is hard enough for him to be a step parent to my children (who are naturally as intelligent, opinionated and stubborn as their mother) at the best of times, and even more so when I undermine his limited authority by shouting at him in front of them.

I have noticed that when he goes away or is away that I seem to try to pick fights with him as I feel bad, I feel abandoned and I want him to be “sorry” that he is “doing” this to me. These feelings just do not make sense to me at all though and I find it rather scary to find I rely on someone else so much. Why should I feel this way now as I am used to being alone, even when I was married I felt alone as I had to shoulder so much responsibility without any help and when I separated then divorced I spent several years alone working full time, running the household and looking after my kids single handedly. So why when he leaves do I start to unravel? It is not that I miss him doing the practical stuff around the house as I do most of that anyway, it is not that I am afraid of being alone per se, so why am I so upset? The only way that I can seem to explain it at all is that I am so scared of not receiving my regular maintenance spankings because they stop me slipping back into my old destructive ways (which nearly split us up), they remind me of who is in charge (yes it is not me!) and most important of all they show me how much he loves and cherishes me.

For us, as well as many of the other DD bloggers, these maintenance sessions are a great place for us to be totally connected, away from the stresses and strains of juggling family and work commitments, just to be alone and be us. Communication is absolutely paramount in a DD relationship as anyone who lives this “peculiar” lifestyle will know and this is also a time when we make time to communicate with each other, mostly he talks and I listen, but that is OK. If I have anything important to say then I often tell him this while OTK for a maintenance session, I know he is totally focussed on me and my needs and he will pay full attention to what I say when I am lying in that position of total and utter submission. It is also a place where I feel totally calm, safe, protected and loved (perhaps this is my inner child coming to the fore) even when I am lying there with a scarlet, throbbing backside. In fact sometimes I ask to lie in this position when we are alone and I am not due for maintenance/punishment as it does make me feel calm. I am going to miss this for the next few weeks.

Perhaps I should not be whinging about not getting my maintenance sessions, especially as you will have guessed my last little temper tantrum earned me a spanking plus the threatened additional weekly maintenance session. I would like to claim that I have no idea how I managed to go from being a “good girl” with a modest 2 sessions per week to a serious “brat” with 4/week but of course I do know exactly how I achieved that!! Thus, in reality I will manage to escape from a total of 12 spankings as he is away for the next 3 weeks, but I am not relieved by that at all, instead it makes me feel totally devastated. To cap it all, he said to me before he left that it will be a real pity that when he returns he will have to spend a lot of his time taking down my knickers to spank me, instead of removing them for other more pleasurable activities. I have to say that this did make me feel exceedingly guilty because it is my behaviour has caused him to have to “waste” his time in this way. Grrrrr, why do I do it?

Spanking vs CP ?

From reading all of this material, the would-be HOH will start to understand that there is rather more to this lifestyle than spanking. Indeed, it is our own experience that since we started DD, our bouts of erotic F/M spanking have all but vanished, as we believe that reserving CP purely for our discipline sessions is absolutely appropriate. Does this work for any of you?