Where am I ?

Good question, huh!

It is easily answered in the literal sense as I am sitting at my laptop which is in my kitchen, in my house, which is located in a small village in the middle of Germany, Europe, the World!

In the metaphysical sense is is anything but simple, and I do not know the answer to that question at all. After a lot of soul searching, much thought and a fair few posts, I have finally decided where to go next. The trouble is how to get there. If any of you happen to have a map showing me the correct / easiest / shortest way that would be extremely helpful.

In the short term my need to get spanked, to defuse some of the building stress, is what seems to be mostly on my mind, in truth I am totally obsessing about it. I was helping friends to move house yesterday and whilst moving one of the bags I managed to whip myself on the ear with an old riding whip, I know must have been really clever to achieve this by accident, you had to be there!!! It of course hurt like mad but sadly it drew my attention towards the whip and thus I spent the next few hours fantasising about it being applied to my backside, aaahhh, help someone!

On the other hand obsessing about spanking has had some benefits as it has managed to take my mind off the upset caused by Mike last week and the court case against my ex which is coming up next week.

The trouble is the long term, I know that it is not just about spanking, it is much, much more than that, I really need to find that dominant, controlling man. I really, really need to find someone to submit to, to set boundaries, to give me a place where I feel safe.

And there is the rub, all this "stuff" that I need makes "dating" much more difficult, it makes you much more vulnerable and more open to hurt because you need to expose your "soft underbelly", at least a bit. How do you do this and avoid the Mikes of this world at the same time? Answers on a postcard please ...


... on the other hand getting spanked right now would let the pressure off a bit, wouldn't it!

Stress

OK the situation at my place is as follows, I currently have my ex-husband, his new partner, my partner and all my kids at home. My ex and I have been separated for 5 years and divorced for 2 1/2. Our breakup was extremely complicated and suffice it to say that the circumstances that surrounded it were extremely stressful to the extent that coping with all these issues (many of which are ongoing) still necessitates a weekly visit for me to a psychiatrist who is helping me work through them. Without going into the gory details I can say that one of the least of the problems was my ex's alcoholism, and as such you can perhaps understand that the other problems are obviously at a rather major level.

Due to these issues the children have only had limited contact with their father since our separation and I have continued to shield them as much as I can from the ongoing problems. However at the beginning of last year my ex's behaviour deteriorated to the point that I had to stop them seeing him completely. This was obviously very distressing for both him and them. Despite what has happened all of the kids wanted very much to see their father again and thus after the intervention and support from a number of professional organisations we managed to reach a sort of compromise situation where they could see him for short, accompanied visits.

To cut a long story short, in the last few months he has both seen the error of his ways and has met a lovely new woman and things have improved to the point where I felt prepared to have him visit the children at home. This means that they can spend some lengthy quality time with him and meet his new partner too.

I have been absolutely dreading this visit, partly because it means having the man who caused me so much hurt in my home again and partly because it also means having a 'stranger' in my house too. Well that and the fact that the kids are all home from school with the "normal" chaos that usually involves. Oh and did I mention that the ex is fitting a new kitchen (in return for me paying for their airfares here) which means that the contents of the old kitchen currently reside in the dining room so meals (take aways) are taken in the living room and everywhere is in total chaos and covered in sawdust or plaster dust. Aaahhh, men in white coats come and take me away now.

The "trouble" is that it has been absolutely fine, my ex has behaved impeccably, his new partner is absolutely lovely and we get on like a house on fire. Not to mention that she likes the kids, the kids like her and she has common sense in spades and has helped me with the cooking, washing and cleaning. I feel so stressed because I am not stressed if that makes any sense at all, which it probably doesn't.

This stress has been simmering below the surface over the last week and I know it has been colouring the previous maintenance sessions that I have already written about. I have felt like a kettle just below boiling point, gently steaming away but not relieving the pressure and tension of this pent up stress. The only place I have been able to find an outlet for the stress is by 'working it all out' on Andrew. Yes I have been awful to my HoH, snappy, critical and disrespectful and he is becoming seriously fed up with my behaviour and I can't say I blame him.

The trouble is because he is too nice I have been "getting away with blue murder" because he is being really lenient with me, because of the situation. Thus I have been such a brat, trying to provoke him, I suppose, into giving me the stress relief spankings I need but just cannot bring myself to ask for. I am so disappointed in myself for doing this but I find it so hard to ask him to spank me especially as he is already doing that enough just for maintenance.

I do hope that he reads this and lets me have it!

Hil

Maintenance #3

Well was really doing well on Sunday but blew it again on Tuesday. I had a terrible day at work having to deal with a lot of agro when someone else's mistake was made into my problem so I had to sort out the mess. This took so long that I did not have time to either go to my lunchtime stress busting gym session nor to have lunch which did not help.

Thus I was already pretty wound up when I found the icing on the cake, I had left my coat in the car which I had not taken to work. So I ended up walking and bus-riding in the freezing cold.

I did not have the car as at present my ex-husband, with whom I have had a very difficult relationship for sometime (although we are trying to put this behind us and make a big effort to be friends for the children) and his new girlfriend are visiting from England so that she can meet the little monsters, sorry darlings, and he is, in return for me paying for his flights, fitting a new kitchen for me and has been using my car to get all the bits and bobs he needs.

Thus with all these factors I know I was not in a good mood and I snapped at Andrew when I got home as he made a stupid remark. I was expecting a bit of sympathy but he did not give me any. Thus until bed time whilst frantically building kitchen cupboards I sat and fumed and worked myself up into a real sulk.

Deciding that maintenance was "not happening no way José" I jumped into bed instead of waiting for Andrew as I am supposed to on maintenance days. This did not go down well with him and we had our usual discussion about me not being in control and him deciding when and where he will discipline me. Well he talked at me and I sulked back. So I got spanked anyway as he promised that I would even if I did not comply.

Unfortunately, he told me that he would continue to spank me until I begged him to stop, but in my major sulk mode there was no way I was letting him "beat me" (ha, ha) by asking him to stop. Thus he continued for a seriously long time until I just could not take it any more and had no option but to give in and plead for him to cease.

Suffice it to say my backside is now extremely painful as that was the worst spanking I have ever received. But I have to say that I probably deserved it for being such a brat, and that afterwards I felt so much better, I still hate it when that happens, when he gets it so right and knows what I need when I do not.

The following morning, literally, just before I was due to walk out the door to work, to another stressful day he ordered me over his knee again and gave me a number of hard swats with the paddle. Boy was I cross as I felt I did not have time, I was all dressed up in best executive mode and I did not deserve it. But all Andrew said was, 'now you will be mad at me and not at your colleagues, so you can have a much calmer day at work'. Damn it, he was right on that score too.

Hil