More hurt and upset, why can't life be simple?

Andrew was here briefly over the weekend, coming to collect the kids and accompany them back to school and like the gentleman he is, he offered to spank me. I wasn't sure what to do with that offer as I know that the level of pain I need him to inflict to do me any good is not the level that he is comfortable with, he just likes a little playful light spanking, not the full on flogging that I want. The trouble was that it has been more than 3 weeks since I last had a decent spanking and I was just craving a good long and hard session. In short I just could not say no and in addition a friend had bought me a nice paddle/tawse cross sort of thing as a present from Amsterdam and I wanted to try it out. Well in the past I have said that what I really like is a good hard flogging with style and finesse, but failing that brute force will just have to do. This time it didn't, I do not know whether it was the fact that I haven't been spanked for so long and have gone all wimpy, or that I know that Andrew is really unhappy hurting me or just that my head just isn't right at the moment, but it was a disaster for me, it just left me feeling frustrated, angry and on edge. It was not Andrew's fault at all, I should just have said no.

The trouble is that I have this real physical longing my whole body aches with a craving to be spanked, it isn't just a mental thing it has a huge physical part, like an itch that I can't scratch and it is driving me insane. I was so desperate with this feeling that I even found myself sending an e-mail to a random stranger (on one of the BDSM dating sites that I have joined to look for a new partner) and asking if he wants to give me a damn good spanking, just because he is a dominant, he lives nearby and likes to spank, I must be crazy. The trouble is I am also desperate to be spanked and I do not know what to do.

So Monday morning rolls around, I am stressed because of the failed spanking of Saturday night, but mostly coping and then my stupid ex-husband upsets the apple cart again.

Today the Police took him to court to take out an order banning him from certain dangerous behaviour that he has been indulging in, instead of just accepting the order he decided to fight it, so I am forced to have to fight him in court.

Although they have said I can prepared a written submission for the police to introduce on my behalf they would prefer me to be in court to represent myself and counter any argument he might have. So I have to face him again and I don't think I can. But I want him out of my life and the lives of my children and it seems that the best way for me to ensure this is to go to court, oh hell, I do not want to have to do this, I don't think I am up to it, but what choice do I have? Why can't he just drop dead and make my day.

Finally as not to end on a negative note, I have been chatting (on-line and off) to a lovely British guy called Mike, one of the few sane people that I have met from the above mentioned dating sites, he is sane as he actually read all through my profile and did not just try to send me pictures of his genitalia. So far we seem to be hitting it off, he has listened to me rambling about all my issues, listened to me fantasising about his whips and the like and he does seem to understand where I am coming from. Wish me luck as we try to deepen our friendship.

That's it for now, I'll try to post part 2 of the "Where to now?" on Domination and what it means to me later in the week if real life doesn't get in the way and I have some strength left after writing the letter to the court.

Hil