Andrew is having a hard time coping with the new dynamics in our relationship, he does not like the fact that I am no longer mothering him and he most definitely does not like that I am seeing other men, even though at the moment it is not for anything long term. So he is being exceeding unpleasant to me at the moment. He spends every evening going round in circles explaining how it is all my fault that I need a dominant (I know this) and that I have ruined his dreams of marriage etc, etc (I know this too). He wants to spend hours repeating the same discussions about how in theory the relationship will work if I bring a new partner into the dynamic. I say there is no point in talking theory as a) I do not have someone yet (and probably never will) and b) the actual dynamic will depend on the individual so there is no point in wasting time worrying about it until it happens. I know he is hurting but I do not know how to handle all this, it just feels like I am having salt rubbed into an open wound again and again.
In addition to that September is always a difficult month for me as it is the anniversary of my father's death. This year marks 15 years since he died and I can hardly believe how much has changed since then. In 1993 I was the mother of a 11 month old baby girl and was 4th months pregnant with my second child. Now I am the mother of 4 with my oldest about to turn 16.
How my father would have loved to see my children grow up, he was crazy about my first born and spoiled her rotten, he would not let me push her in her stroller when he was about, he insisted on pushing his granddaughter himself, sometimes even my mother could not get a look in!
As I have written before one of the things that I particularly need in a partner is someone who makes me feel safe and secure, I need to have boundaries to push against to be sure that they are there, consequences when I break the rules and someone else to take the reigns out of my hands so I can rest. All these things define safety for me. For my children and Andrew I am the person who fulfils that role, I make them feel safe, I organise their lives, make sure everything runs smoothly and that they want for nothing. As the oldest child I also feel that it is my role to also take care of my mother and my "little" sister (OK so she is nearly 39 but she is still my baby sister) and her family and to protect them all. But I have no-one to do that for me. I have to fight my own battles, I have to be constantly on guard and I never have any down time. Someone always needs something from me.
Yesterday with all of this sadness and hurt rolling around in my head and more than a few tears rolling down my cheeks I realised that the last time I actually felt safe was in September 1993 when my father was still alive. He was the person whom I trusted to protect me from harm even though I was a 25-year-old woman and mother of (nearly) 2 then. I'm nearly 42 now and have survived for fifteen years without him but I still have such a strong need to find someone else who can make me feel that way again. Silly isn't it.
6 comments:
What did you expect? Me to be in a state of delirious happiness? And you repel all attempts to help you in your current state. I wish I knew why
Sweetheart, hang tough. This post is so incredibly full of sadness. I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom, other than be strong and patient and honest with yourself about what you need to be full. Maybe DD is the answer, and maybe not. Perhaps there is a way to have both Andrew AND your submissive side. I'll be thinking aboutcha!
Danielle
I lost my father when I was 12 years old and it was devastating to me. He was my hero, who loved me with all his heart and showed it in everything he did. I am still sad when I think about "my loss", but am also so thankful to have had him as a father, especially when hearing about the monsters some people have in their lives.
I choose to reflect on all the joy I experienced with him and his influence on who I am today. I don't mourn his loss any more. I celebrate who he was and try to be the father for my kids that he was to me.
We have a choice about how we look at things and positive emotions are much more fulfilling than negative ones {smile}.
Celebrate your father and all that he did for you.
Hil, I miss my father very much too, and it does indeed make you look for security from your man more than ever. I do know how hard it is.
I have resisted commenting for quite a while. I did not want to rain on your parade, or cast a negative light on something you seem to be choosing that simply takes me beyond the realm of my experience in terms of what can and cannot work in a marriage. I have never wanted, thus never considered, anything beyond a twosome, and while I have followed your story with interest, I have a hard time relating. That being said, and please, take this without judgement as it is intended, I can't see how either you are Andrew could be happy with such an apparent and serious disconnect. The Herons would have to tell you what DOES work (as I am sure they have). I do know that what does NOT work in any variation of relationship, be it 2 or 12, is one where the partners cannot or will not meet each other's needs. It seems to me that is where things are and have been on multiple levels for you. If that is not addressed and worked thru, fixed, even completely acknowledged, how do you get beyond the disappointment and decide whether the marriage is indeed salvageable or not? It is clear you have turned elsewhere to have your needs met. I assume by Andrew's comment here that he is hurt and resentful, regardless of what he may have agreed to. It looks to me you are trying to make an elephant become a donkey. (American politics on the brain I guess :) ) Both are nice animals, but one can never be the other...something about leopards and spots, too? I am sorry for your pain. This must all be so hard for both of you. I do hope you can get it sorted and move on to where you both need to be.
Hi Sara
What you say is true, we do not and indeed cannot meet each others' needs.
I clearly do not fulfil all Andrew's needs. However, he agrees that they are more of a 'want' rather than a 'need'. In my case the trouble is that before the summer I did not know what my needs were, now I do know what they are and I 'know' I cannot live without having them met.
The sad thing is that the more I come to understand about my real need, the one which is the subject of this post - safety - the more obvious it is that Andrew cannot meet it.
The real sadness in all this is that I had already fallen in love with Andrew, and he with me, way before all this was clear.
Perhaps, it seems like having my cake and eating it too, but selfishly I do not want to lose him. At the moment this seems like the only way to get both.
No - there are also needs, just as important and relelvant as yours. Of course I love you and if AN Other is the only way, then so be it
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