My goodness, I just looked at the visitor count and we have had more that 1000 visitors (from unique IP addresses) since we started this blog, from as far away as Australia and the US, not to mention you all in Europe.
I am amazed and delighted that so many of you have visited to read my DD ramblings.
Thank you so very much.
It would be great if you would leave a comment to introduce yourself.
Hil
22/05/2008
16/05/2008
Help from unexpected quarters!
Following on to the last post, in addition to the stress of my daughter's accident and operation and the usual cycle of Andrew's coming and going and the sense of abandonment and general grumpiness that I feel, something else both confusing and wonderful has also been unfolding. Andrew and I have been struggling with our respective roles as HoH and sub as those of you who read here regularly will know. In fact it is a theme in many other DD blogs too, the "unfairness" of it all - when I screw up I get spanked, when he does, nothing happens.
Despite of course having agreed to this lifestyle, having asked him for it in fact, and despite the many benefits which I know it brings, I continue to struggle with this aspect. I have on a number of occasions refused to "acknowledge" him as my HoH, the one who has the power to decide the rules and when, why and if I get spanked. He has usually at the time of such outbursts, spanked me anyway, with me fighting him tooth and nail, but has always felt extremely uncomfortable because of the ease with which he can overpower me because of his superior size and weight, using them against me and feeling more like an abusive husband rather than my loving, caring and lovingly correcting partner. In short, sometimes he was starting to feel that he was only the HoH when I said so, the classic "topping from the bottom" syndrome and to question if he 'really has what it takes to keep this control freak under proper control and prevent her from torpedo-ing the relationship as she rather tends to do'.
I have for some time read with interest the blog from The Heron Clan, having first found it from Finding Sara in relation to a 'debate' Sara was having with Rahereticsswan about "DD vs BDSM". The friendliness and the respect which was shown by both ladies, one on each side of the "potentially rather heated" argument surprised and delighted me and encouraged me to read some of the other posts on the site.
The warmth and humour, not to mention the sheer down-to-earth-edness of Rahereticsswan's writing drew me in further, not to mention I was, of course, somewhat curious about such an "unusual" lifestyle and wanted to read more. It is such a nice mix of things, politics, spanking, recipes, maths, more spanking etc. Naturally I recommended it to Andrew and he, as a writer, was so impressed with the "naturalness" of it all he contacted the clan to tell them so.
All I can say after a number of chats and a lot of laughs, is that Raheretic is the nicest sadist I have ever met, actually I have never met one before, well not knowingly at least, so truthfully I have no-one to compare him with, I'm sure they must all be like this! Rahereticsswan and Rahereticssly are equally as lovely with wicked senses of humour and some great practical tips. In short, they are so refreshingly "normal" and have really showed me in particular what it is like when you are comfortable respecting and accepting yourself, as you are, warts, spanking and all.
They have also been most kind to give us a lot of advice, well perhaps that is not the right word as they have emphatically not "told" us what to do, instead they have talked and shared with us and asked us challenging questions to make us think.
Suffice it to say that in only a few short weeks we have moved further along in our relationship and DD life than we have gone in the previous few months since we started on our DD journey. Andrew has really, and I mean really, discovered that he truly has a Dominant nature. I should be scared as he is really now taking charge and being much more strict with me, really enforcing the rules, not halfheartedly doing so, and more spankings are clearly looming, but actually I am calm and happy. I am no longer in charge and the submissive part of me, the one who wants to be looked after, the one who desperately wants to cede control, that part which has been hidden for so long is creeping out slowly. At the moment this skin that I am inhabiting seems a little alien, but the more I try it on for size, the better it feels and the more at peace I feel.
Who'd have thought it and all from an innocent click to a Swan's blog. Maybe this ugly duckling could learn to turn into a swan too.
Thank you Clan Heron, I so look forward to getting to know you better.
Hil
Despite of course having agreed to this lifestyle, having asked him for it in fact, and despite the many benefits which I know it brings, I continue to struggle with this aspect. I have on a number of occasions refused to "acknowledge" him as my HoH, the one who has the power to decide the rules and when, why and if I get spanked. He has usually at the time of such outbursts, spanked me anyway, with me fighting him tooth and nail, but has always felt extremely uncomfortable because of the ease with which he can overpower me because of his superior size and weight, using them against me and feeling more like an abusive husband rather than my loving, caring and lovingly correcting partner. In short, sometimes he was starting to feel that he was only the HoH when I said so, the classic "topping from the bottom" syndrome and to question if he 'really has what it takes to keep this control freak under proper control and prevent her from torpedo-ing the relationship as she rather tends to do'.
I have for some time read with interest the blog from The Heron Clan, having first found it from Finding Sara in relation to a 'debate' Sara was having with Rahereticsswan about "DD vs BDSM". The friendliness and the respect which was shown by both ladies, one on each side of the "potentially rather heated" argument surprised and delighted me and encouraged me to read some of the other posts on the site.
The warmth and humour, not to mention the sheer down-to-earth-edness of Rahereticsswan's writing drew me in further, not to mention I was, of course, somewhat curious about such an "unusual" lifestyle and wanted to read more. It is such a nice mix of things, politics, spanking, recipes, maths, more spanking etc. Naturally I recommended it to Andrew and he, as a writer, was so impressed with the "naturalness" of it all he contacted the clan to tell them so.
All I can say after a number of chats and a lot of laughs, is that Raheretic is the nicest sadist I have ever met, actually I have never met one before, well not knowingly at least, so truthfully I have no-one to compare him with, I'm sure they must all be like this! Rahereticsswan and Rahereticssly are equally as lovely with wicked senses of humour and some great practical tips. In short, they are so refreshingly "normal" and have really showed me in particular what it is like when you are comfortable respecting and accepting yourself, as you are, warts, spanking and all.
They have also been most kind to give us a lot of advice, well perhaps that is not the right word as they have emphatically not "told" us what to do, instead they have talked and shared with us and asked us challenging questions to make us think.
Suffice it to say that in only a few short weeks we have moved further along in our relationship and DD life than we have gone in the previous few months since we started on our DD journey. Andrew has really, and I mean really, discovered that he truly has a Dominant nature. I should be scared as he is really now taking charge and being much more strict with me, really enforcing the rules, not halfheartedly doing so, and more spankings are clearly looming, but actually I am calm and happy. I am no longer in charge and the submissive part of me, the one who wants to be looked after, the one who desperately wants to cede control, that part which has been hidden for so long is creeping out slowly. At the moment this skin that I am inhabiting seems a little alien, but the more I try it on for size, the better it feels and the more at peace I feel.
Who'd have thought it and all from an innocent click to a Swan's blog. Maybe this ugly duckling could learn to turn into a swan too.
Thank you Clan Heron, I so look forward to getting to know you better.
Hil
Chaos is slowly reducing
At last things are getting a bit back to normal, as near as my life gets to normal anyway.
My daughter has returned to school, still on crutches but the knee is healing well, she will be having a lot of physio and everyone hopes she will be back playing hockey by September.
Unfortunately the just after my daughter's accident my friend and cleaner started her a new job and I am thus cleaner-less so the house is in a real state as I have had no time to sort it out.
Andrew has also gone back as he has some work in the UK to attend to, glamourous photoshoots and the like! The good news is that while he is there he is finally going to get an assessment and hopefully then some help and treatment for his depression.
The trouble is with the stress of the last few weeks and now him having gone, I am feeling seriously underspanked and grouchy and I am not sure how I will get through the next 10 days until he returns.
Trouble is the whole issue of being separated from him gets me down and makes me irrationally angry and thus tends to make me behave stupidly towards him. I know we have to be separated for a lot of the time, we knew that when we got together, BUT, I don't like it one bit, even though I am used to looking after myself when he is gone I feel small and vulnerable. Silly isn't it.
Hil
My daughter has returned to school, still on crutches but the knee is healing well, she will be having a lot of physio and everyone hopes she will be back playing hockey by September.
Unfortunately the just after my daughter's accident my friend and cleaner started her a new job and I am thus cleaner-less so the house is in a real state as I have had no time to sort it out.
Andrew has also gone back as he has some work in the UK to attend to, glamourous photoshoots and the like! The good news is that while he is there he is finally going to get an assessment and hopefully then some help and treatment for his depression.
The trouble is with the stress of the last few weeks and now him having gone, I am feeling seriously underspanked and grouchy and I am not sure how I will get through the next 10 days until he returns.
Trouble is the whole issue of being separated from him gets me down and makes me irrationally angry and thus tends to make me behave stupidly towards him. I know we have to be separated for a lot of the time, we knew that when we got together, BUT, I don't like it one bit, even though I am used to looking after myself when he is gone I feel small and vulnerable. Silly isn't it.
Hil
05/05/2008
Being an HOH with severe depression; it is not the best of combinations. Let me explain...
One of my beliefs is that an HOH has to be model of stability and predictable reasonableness (there is an eminent and charming gentleman in the world of BDSM who might diasagree with this but still). You are responsible for maintaining not only discipline but the direction of your relationship and so how can you possibly do so when a thousand grey winters rage through your head. It simply cannot be done, for it may even increase your sense of self-worthlessness that you have inflicted pain upon the partner who means more to you than any other human being - and that you, lowly creature that you are, have harmed her to no good effect. And so the spiral continues ever downwards.
Posted by Hil but written by Andrew
But it does not have to be this way. To anyone reading these words who sees a distorted mirror of their own condition - seek medical help. Do not live in fear. And for any British readers I simply say this - 'It does not have to end like Tony Hancock".
Posted by Hil but written by Andrew
03/05/2008
Back from the hospital
My daughter is amazing, brave, and wise beyond her years. After an incredibly hard few days with many tears, hers and mine, much pain and suffering, sadly hers, some extremely funny moments and some great mother-daughter time, my incredible daughter walked out of the hospital herself despite having had a major knee op less than 48 hours before.
Her determination to get better as fast as possible and definitely before the next hockey season starts is fantastic, I know that faced with such a setback at her age I would have given up and sat on the sofa and eaten chocolate! She is being really good and doing all her physio even though it is hard and she still has some pain and every day I have to give her an anti-thrombosis injection and she really hates needles. What a girl.
I have no doubt that she will be back playing hockey and netball for the school, the town's teams and the county in no time, I am proud to call her my daughter.
Her determination to get better as fast as possible and definitely before the next hockey season starts is fantastic, I know that faced with such a setback at her age I would have given up and sat on the sofa and eaten chocolate! She is being really good and doing all her physio even though it is hard and she still has some pain and every day I have to give her an anti-thrombosis injection and she really hates needles. What a girl.
I have no doubt that she will be back playing hockey and netball for the school, the town's teams and the county in no time, I am proud to call her my daughter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)