One of my beliefs is that an HOH has to be model of stability and predictable reasonableness (there is an eminent and charming gentleman in the world of BDSM who might diasagree with this but still). You are responsible for maintaining not only discipline but the direction of your relationship and so how can you possibly do so when a thousand grey winters rage through your head. It simply cannot be done, for it may even increase your sense of self-worthlessness that you have inflicted pain upon the partner who means more to you than any other human being - and that you, lowly creature that you are, have harmed her to no good effect. And so the spiral continues ever downwards.
But it does not have to be this way. To anyone reading these words who sees a distorted mirror of their own condition - seek medical help. Do not live in fear. And for any British readers I simply say this - 'It does not have to end like Tony Hancock".
Posted by Hil but written by Andrew
2 comments:
Hil/Andrew,
I know the darkness that comes. You have my deepest sympathies. I keep hoping to get better without the medication. Just stubborn, but still, I can see the clouds roll in like fog, obliterating all the light. It is horrendous. I am glad you have each other. You are in my thoughts.
Loyal Reader
And so Andrew my friend, are you, and have you, sought and followed through on the treatment that will maximize your functioning while living with depression? If not, then when will you? If so and it is not helping, you need to seek other practitioners.
I think this would be very difficult, trying to be Dominant (HOH) despite major depression, but if you are Dominant your innate nature will come through despite your depression. If you are not, Dominance will be a struggle even with the best of health (emotional, physical,or spiritual).
I hope you are feeling more comfortable in your skin soon.
In the short while I've come to know you it is so clear you have amazing attributes and gifts. Depression is (as I am sure you know) an illness not all that different from other long term chronic conditions.
It seems to me you may have a couple of different issues. One is your health. Depression is as much a halth issue as is say leukemia, or some other chronic condition. That being resolved (I know that is way easier said than done)who are you with regard to Dominance? You cannot be Dominant to satisfy another. That is an act of submission. You can however work with a beloved partner to perform a role in your relationship that you both need to feel whole. That may be your answer to all of this.
Anyway, I surely hope the depression you were experiencing when you wrote this is better as you read this and that you will find my words to you supportive.
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you;ve imagined.
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