So after all the upheaval and soul searching of the last few weeks where exactly do I go from here? I know the "easy" part about what I need in my life to make me feel happy, safe and secure; dominance, control and Masochism (pain), but these are simple words to bandy about but what do they mean in practice, how do or can they fit with my version of real life. As we know real life has a real knack of getting in the way of your desires and my real life is a it more complicated than a lot of peoples, oh for a desert island, a hammock and a bit of peace and quiet!!
In order that I can share with a potential new partner, what all the above means to me I have been thinking around the subjects of Control, Dominance and Masochism as how can I tell them what I need if I do not know myself.
Thus with no further ado I'll move onto my definition of control.
I suppose control is something that I find very important as in the rest of my life I am a total control freak. Perhaps this is why I need so strongly in my private life someone else to be in control. For me having someone in control of me is a real turn on. But they really must be in control and not just because I say so. This was of course how Andrew and I survived, he pretended to be in control and I let him think he was, well some of the time I did, the rest of the time I bottomed from the top or just plain mothered him. This was not a turn on at all as I have already got 4 kids and did not need another. I suppose the est way of summarising this is to say that I do not want the famous sign "I'm the boss in this house and I have my wife's permission to say so" anywhere in my home. I want to know that in my home I am loved and protected by a man who is strong and powerful enough to be in control. He'd need to be pretty strong and powerful to control someone like me
To date I have obviously picked the wrong kind of guys, e.g. my ex-husband could never have been in control of me, he was not capable, it would have most probably have been disastrous for us as a family if I had let him (e.g. he was an alcoholic) and actually he would not have dared anyhow. Andrew though poles apart from my ex, was made for the above sign, he was only the one in control because I let him be. That said we did play a lot of mind games based on control which I did enjoy, e.g he used to insist that I wear a butt plug or no knickers to work if I had misbehaved to remind me "who was the boss". But, the trouble was that I would go along with "his demands" to maintain the fiction of him being in control rather than because I was truly concerned about the consequences if I did not do as I was told. He tried set the "boundaries" for the relationship because I asked him to, but he did not enforce them, well not unless he was really angry with me. On a few occasions as I have recounted before he did actually spank me against my will for whatever transgression, and as he is 6'2" and about 22 stone he was easily able to overpower me and hold me down even when I was kicking and screaming and telling him no. The ironic thing is that these were of course the most erotic times for me, as I felt that even for a short while he would finally turn into a "real" man. The spankings at this time were often more painful too which made it better from that respect too. Unfortunately, as has been pointed out to me by my Raheretic, this was also the time when I was in real danger as it is not smart to allow someone who cannot control their temper to spank you.
What I really need is someone who does all this because he wants it, he sets the boundaries (OK really these are jointly negotiated as every relationship has two parties, but he of course gets the final say), he decides the consequences and carries them out, if necessary. As far as I can see, and understand from talking to other people, these consequences should not usually be necessary if I have a truly dominant man because I will not need to push at the boundaries to test and see if they are secure, I will just know that they are and of course secondly I will not dare as I will know I cannot escape the consequences! Of course there will always be the times when I act like a brat as we all have our off days but with real consequences they should not be too often. Given my masochistic side I would probably want to also get what some people term "good girl" spankings if I have been good or regular "submissive spankings" to remind me who is in charge just so that I do not feel the need to break the rules just to get spanked.
I do fantasise (and have nightmares) about having someone that I trust to give this level of control to. I'd have to trust that person implicitly to give up that control as I could not be happy nor safe and secure if I was not certain that I could trust them to have my best interests at heart. One thing that goes hand in hand with trust in this type of power exchange relationship is respect. This is what what missing in my relationship with Andrew, I trust him implicitly but I do not respect him in a lot of ways, e.g.he is disorganised, has absolutely no common sense, dresses like a tramp, has no practical skills, does not know how to behave in public and is constantly sarcastic particularly to my two older daughters who hate it. Without respect as well as trust there is no point in giving someone else control, especially when you know that you will not face any real consequences if you step out of line.
I suppose a lot of people thing that it is a bit "wimpy" or cowardly or shirking responsibility to want to give control to someone else. But despite and perhaps because I have not followed a traditional role up to now being more "masculine" in perspective being the major bread winner, being a rocket scientist not to mention single parent of 4 etc, etc I do have the traditional view of how it should be inside the home. The man is the boss and takes charge and the woman follows, yes she has a responsibility to speak up and give her opinion/share her experience, provided she does it in a proper manner, she is NOT a doormat but he gets to make the final decision. In addition to that I do find being the man and the woman, the mum and dad all the time is very tiring and I've had to do that through periods of stress that would have floored most people, I suppose I want the chance to relax and take back my traditional feminine role and be the caring, nurturing wife and mother. I know I'll still have to keep the masculine side at work, someone has to pay the bills, and to deal with the kids if they misbehave but the rest of the time I can be a "real" woman.
I suppose in short, damn the feminists, I want men to be allowed to be men without being required to deny their dominant natures and women to be women and allowed not to have to act like men.
Hil
31/08/2008
22/08/2008
Voyages ctd
As usual real life intervened somewhat as it has a tendency to do and thus the second part of our trip description has been a little delayed, sorry, here it is.
Conversely to the confusion that I have already mentioned that Andrew was suffering, for the first time in a long time I was awash with complete clarity, I could identify at last the "thing" which was missing from my life, the 'attentions' of a true dominant preferably also one who is also a sadist who likes to spank. In short I want to live in a relationship where my partner is the dominant male, where I can not 'top from the bottom' as the saying goes, I enjoy being submissive to a dominant male. If he also likes to spank me to the point where I can enter that blissful state of sub-space again then that would be heaven.
Unfortunately my elation was also becoming tinged with sadness as it was becoming clear that Andrew was not going to be able to be that person. The trouble is that I love Andrew dearly and I did not want to lose him.
Andrew and I talked many times over the next few days and he tried to convince me that he could be more dominant and would practice daily to learn to use the floggers and whips so he could give me "proper" intense spankings. However, I know him well and I was never really convinced that he could or would want to sacrifice the amount of time that he would need to truly become competent with the floggers and whips.
After a lot of soul searching and upset he finally admitted that not only was I right that he would prefer to spend that time on his beloved cars and films, but that he really hates to give me anything more than a little light spanking for fun. He admitted that he really hates inflicting pain on me and that he knows that the only times he has come close to really decent spankings have been when he was very angry with me and was venting his anger on me to some extent. He agreed that his BDSM fantasies are best left on the page or screen and not played out in real life. But, he of course said that he did not want to lose me as he also 'loves me to bits'.
We were both in shock having found at first glance a real show-stopper for our relationship. I was adamant that I could and would not give up the submissive masochist side of me now I had found it and admitted it to myself. Equally there was no way that Andrew was going to be able to provide the counterpoint to that for me.
Raheretic and I talked for along time around and around the subject, and he also recalled and paraphrased something once said to Swan many years ago which she has recounted here, this was basically that "she was a submissive woman, her husband was not a Dominant and one day she would leave her husband and go and find a Dominant". He strongly suspected that I would eventually feel the need to do the same as it was clear that I was never going to be happy in a relationship without a Dominant "of my own" and I was going to have to look elsewhere if I wanted to have that as Andrew was clearly not able to fulfil that role. The possibility of Andrew and I breaking up was not what any of us has envisaged happening during our visit, and the Clan were very distressed by the whole thing, me rushing off and crying in corners did not really help them at all either. I just could not bear the thought of losing Andrew, nor could I know accept that I could not satisfy the submissive-masochist part of me which has been craving attention for so long.
Raheretic and I talked for hours as we made the long drive from the top of Ohio to the bottom, via a very nice Cracker Barrel lunch and a shop in one of the wonderful outlet malls, and he counselled me with very many kind and wise words. He really is a very nice sadist, I promise you! He did, of course, point out one potential solution to my dilemma, polyamory. Before meeting the Clan it would never have occurred to me that I could have both Andrew and a dominant sadist in my life.
However, having spent a week with Raheretic, Swan and T I had a new perspective on life, I had seen first hand what a successful polyamorous relationship could be like. Swan has captured this so well in her post here, and I have seen what a strong family they are, their relationship works so well and it works because they work at it. Perhaps because the dynamics of a polyamorous relationship are so much more complex than a more usual one it is necessary to work at it much more to make it successful, but it also seems that the return from that investment is multiplied many times over, to the power three rather than two.
Looking critically at my relationship with Andrew reflected in the eyes of these three very kind, good and lovely people has enabled me to see some real, mostly unpleasant, home truths about myself. I have spent such a lot of effort to "force" Andrew to fit in the "dominant sadist" box, naturally failing miserably. I have then despised him for his failure to fit. Andrew has tried himself to get into this box, desperate to please me and has been "rewarded" by my mockery of his efforts and his own guilt about failing. This has made us both very unhappy, as I have been in the driving seat in all this I must take the majority of the blame.
So, to cut the rest of the long story short as there were many more hours of discussion, much soul searching, plenty of tears, harsh words, shouting and the like before we reached the end, Andrew has graciously agreed to stay with me and to allow me to follow my crazy dream of finding a second partner who is a Dominant Sadist to fulfil that missing part of my life and spank my backside. I I do find one then we will try to live as a polyamorous triad with me as the pivot point. This is clearly not a simple solution and has required a lot of thought to decide to give it a whirl, I particularly am going to have to put in a great deal of effort to make it work, maybe I will not succeed but I know that I have to try.
Andrew can now stop trying to be what he is not and I can truly appreciate what he does have and not only see what he does not. Andrew has so very many good points which I often ignored in my quest to make him into the "perfect" man. I hope now I can make him happy and not miserable and defensive all the time.
I cannot believe that I am so blessed to have such a man in my life, I do not deserve the deep level of love and commitment that he has shown me, thank you Darling, I will do my best to not disappoint you.
Hil
Conversely to the confusion that I have already mentioned that Andrew was suffering, for the first time in a long time I was awash with complete clarity, I could identify at last the "thing" which was missing from my life, the 'attentions' of a true dominant preferably also one who is also a sadist who likes to spank. In short I want to live in a relationship where my partner is the dominant male, where I can not 'top from the bottom' as the saying goes, I enjoy being submissive to a dominant male. If he also likes to spank me to the point where I can enter that blissful state of sub-space again then that would be heaven.
Unfortunately my elation was also becoming tinged with sadness as it was becoming clear that Andrew was not going to be able to be that person. The trouble is that I love Andrew dearly and I did not want to lose him.
Andrew and I talked many times over the next few days and he tried to convince me that he could be more dominant and would practice daily to learn to use the floggers and whips so he could give me "proper" intense spankings. However, I know him well and I was never really convinced that he could or would want to sacrifice the amount of time that he would need to truly become competent with the floggers and whips.
After a lot of soul searching and upset he finally admitted that not only was I right that he would prefer to spend that time on his beloved cars and films, but that he really hates to give me anything more than a little light spanking for fun. He admitted that he really hates inflicting pain on me and that he knows that the only times he has come close to really decent spankings have been when he was very angry with me and was venting his anger on me to some extent. He agreed that his BDSM fantasies are best left on the page or screen and not played out in real life. But, he of course said that he did not want to lose me as he also 'loves me to bits'.
We were both in shock having found at first glance a real show-stopper for our relationship. I was adamant that I could and would not give up the submissive masochist side of me now I had found it and admitted it to myself. Equally there was no way that Andrew was going to be able to provide the counterpoint to that for me.
Raheretic and I talked for along time around and around the subject, and he also recalled and paraphrased something once said to Swan many years ago which she has recounted here, this was basically that "she was a submissive woman, her husband was not a Dominant and one day she would leave her husband and go and find a Dominant". He strongly suspected that I would eventually feel the need to do the same as it was clear that I was never going to be happy in a relationship without a Dominant "of my own" and I was going to have to look elsewhere if I wanted to have that as Andrew was clearly not able to fulfil that role. The possibility of Andrew and I breaking up was not what any of us has envisaged happening during our visit, and the Clan were very distressed by the whole thing, me rushing off and crying in corners did not really help them at all either. I just could not bear the thought of losing Andrew, nor could I know accept that I could not satisfy the submissive-masochist part of me which has been craving attention for so long.
Raheretic and I talked for hours as we made the long drive from the top of Ohio to the bottom, via a very nice Cracker Barrel lunch and a shop in one of the wonderful outlet malls, and he counselled me with very many kind and wise words. He really is a very nice sadist, I promise you! He did, of course, point out one potential solution to my dilemma, polyamory. Before meeting the Clan it would never have occurred to me that I could have both Andrew and a dominant sadist in my life.
However, having spent a week with Raheretic, Swan and T I had a new perspective on life, I had seen first hand what a successful polyamorous relationship could be like. Swan has captured this so well in her post here, and I have seen what a strong family they are, their relationship works so well and it works because they work at it. Perhaps because the dynamics of a polyamorous relationship are so much more complex than a more usual one it is necessary to work at it much more to make it successful, but it also seems that the return from that investment is multiplied many times over, to the power three rather than two.
Looking critically at my relationship with Andrew reflected in the eyes of these three very kind, good and lovely people has enabled me to see some real, mostly unpleasant, home truths about myself. I have spent such a lot of effort to "force" Andrew to fit in the "dominant sadist" box, naturally failing miserably. I have then despised him for his failure to fit. Andrew has tried himself to get into this box, desperate to please me and has been "rewarded" by my mockery of his efforts and his own guilt about failing. This has made us both very unhappy, as I have been in the driving seat in all this I must take the majority of the blame.
So, to cut the rest of the long story short as there were many more hours of discussion, much soul searching, plenty of tears, harsh words, shouting and the like before we reached the end, Andrew has graciously agreed to stay with me and to allow me to follow my crazy dream of finding a second partner who is a Dominant Sadist to fulfil that missing part of my life and spank my backside. I I do find one then we will try to live as a polyamorous triad with me as the pivot point. This is clearly not a simple solution and has required a lot of thought to decide to give it a whirl, I particularly am going to have to put in a great deal of effort to make it work, maybe I will not succeed but I know that I have to try.
Andrew can now stop trying to be what he is not and I can truly appreciate what he does have and not only see what he does not. Andrew has so very many good points which I often ignored in my quest to make him into the "perfect" man. I hope now I can make him happy and not miserable and defensive all the time.
I cannot believe that I am so blessed to have such a man in my life, I do not deserve the deep level of love and commitment that he has shown me, thank you Darling, I will do my best to not disappoint you.
Hil
19/08/2008
A Voyage of Discovery
Well there is so much to say about our visit to the Heron's that I do not know where to start, it is all so complicated and emotional so please stay with me as I struggle to put this all into words.
Firstly, it was most of all, a wonderful journey of discovery and I have learned some very valuable lessons about myself, difficult and sometimes painful ones, but all extremely valuable. In all of this I have had the most wonderful mentors in Raheretic, Swan and T and I really do not know how to express my gratitude for all they have taught me, shared with me and endured with me.
So before I go any further, from the bottom of my heart I wish to say a public huge THANK YOU for everything to them all.
Well, how can I explain it, well perhaps I should start right from the beginning, you can read in some of my previous posts about how we initially made contact with the Clan and following this, we had a number of IM and Skype chats which resulted in Andrew finally persuading me to agree to take the guys up on their generous offer of visiting them in the US of A. It has to be said that he was becoming much more interested in the BDSM and polyamory side of life rather than the more vanilla-like DD which we were living. I was more reluctant at first being mostly happy with our DD life, but in the end chatting with all three Herons was so much fun that I decided, 'what the hell' and that I would actually like to meet them in person. So I booked the tickets and a few months later we were "leaving on a jet plane" to visit.
We did a lot of stuff, we shopped, went swimming, visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, saw a great baseball game (and Raheretic explained all the rules to me) watched the Olympics on the goggle box, ate wonderful meals made by Swan and T (they are GREAT cooks) and talked, talked, talked.
I also got to experience, from the sharp end, a significant selection from the vast arsenal of "weaponry" which the Clan posses. The first evening it was paddles of every description, the second night it was the fantastically designed flogging frame with a vast selection of floggers, whips and canes, I know not quite what was being used as I obviously could not see! The session seemed to go on for ever, but I did not want it to end, even though it was the most intensely painful experience I have ever had it was also totally and utterly mind blowing. In fact I did not come down from the high for several days. I finally visited that place the "masochists' sub-space" described so well by Swan in several of her posts. Experiencing the attentions of a true Dominant such as Raheretic was incredible, I tell you that I would not have dared to do anything but obey his every command, calling him "Sir" throughout was somehow so natural, nothing like the 'play acting' feeling I have always had when calling Andrew the same.
OMG, I was so elated but at the same time scared, if I could feel like that from such a painful 'beating' then I was finally going to really acknowledged something which I have been hiding from for some time. I am a masochist with a capital 'M', a screaming masochist was how Raheretic described it! The genie was finally out of the bottle, what on earth was I going to do, there was no way I could put him back, so all I could do was ask Raheretic to do it all again the next night of course!
So where was Andrew in all this, well he was watching it all with a view to learning the techniques of how to "successfully flog your woman". The problem was that he is not very dexterous and so was not too successful in his early attempts, becoming disheartened very quickly. All the Clan tried to jolly him along with Raheretic telling of his own early practice attempts involving exploding light-bulbs and much cleaning of dirty whip marks off walls by T. But it was becoming clear that something more fundamental than his two "left hands" was bothering him and that he was confused about the whole situation.
Given that it is now after 1 am, I'll stop here and try to finish the story tomorrow.
Hil
13/08/2008
Still here
Just on holiday in the wonderful US of A with the Herons and having a fantastic time. If you can believe it there are all even more lovely in person. Will post more when we get back and I get over the jet lag.
Love to all
Hil
Love to all
Hil
03/08/2008
Sadness
There is no other word to express what I am feeling, I am sad, sad to my bones, sad to every atom of my being. After a conversation between Andrew and my ex in which my ex slagged me off for more than a couple of hours with the core of the conversation being that I am "allowing" the authorities to persecute him and take him away from our children because I am not supporting him because basically I am jealous of him because he knows how to "play" with the children and I do not not.
This man could not tell me the names of his childrens' best friends, my son's favourite transformer character, my youngest daughter's favourite song, what my older two daughter's got in their latest tests at school or how many goals they scored in their latest sports match, yet none of this matters because I am jealous as he is "fun" and I am not. He says this is why his children need him, because I do not know how to play with them and am thus depriving them of this fun life which they need.
How can I be jealous of a bankrupt, alcoholic, deluded, ex-con, I can't, well not any more. I used to be jealous of his easy life, he was sitting in his prison cell with his every moment controlled, his meals provided, his washing done, the recreation center with it's pool tables and playstations, the in-cell TV blaring all day. I was at home juggling 4 very upset children and a full time job,not to mention a nervous breakdown. Then when he came out, he had no responsibilities, never had to be Mr Nasty, never had to "challenge" the children in any way so they adored their perfect father and gave me hell. Oh, I did learn from him because of this, I decided that there was no way I was going to do just the responsible stuff with the kids I was also going to do the fun stuff, the swimming, the cycle picnics, being Optimus Prime trying to prevent Megatron from taking over the world, baking and decorating cupcakes, trying to stop the kids from thrashing me too badly on the Wii and not just nagging them to tidy their rooms or do their homework.
Now, I am not jealous, I pity the man, he will never understand what it is to be a real parent, the joy of it all, the highs and the lows. My oldest daughter told me earlier in the summer that she does want to see her Dad, but that he is only a "best friend" sort of person to do nice things with he is not really a parent. I was going to cry at that point having tried so hard to be this fun person too, but then she went on to explain that I am all that and more, because I also do the difficult parenting part too. Many of her friends are apparently jealous of her relationship with me, they cannot and do not talk to their Mums and tell them the sort of important things she tells me. Then she cried and begged me never to leave her. This was because she knows how close I came to suicide a few years ago at the start of all this story. But the truth is that now I could never do that again, how could I ever contemplate missing the rest of her life, how could I not want to stay here to parent such a fantastic girl. How could I not want to stay when my son tells me that even though he loves school " a lot" he doesn't want to go because he loves me too much to be away from me and his heart hurts when he is not with me. No, now I could never do that.
I am so, so sad that this man, their father, will never have this deep level of joy and satisfaction of being a parent. He will only ever understand the transient, short lived, temporary joy of the "fun" in the here-and-now. I am sad that I "picked" such a man as the father of my children, but hell, I also picked me as their mother. Jealous, I have nothing to be jealous of.
This man could not tell me the names of his childrens' best friends, my son's favourite transformer character, my youngest daughter's favourite song, what my older two daughter's got in their latest tests at school or how many goals they scored in their latest sports match, yet none of this matters because I am jealous as he is "fun" and I am not. He says this is why his children need him, because I do not know how to play with them and am thus depriving them of this fun life which they need.
How can I be jealous of a bankrupt, alcoholic, deluded, ex-con, I can't, well not any more. I used to be jealous of his easy life, he was sitting in his prison cell with his every moment controlled, his meals provided, his washing done, the recreation center with it's pool tables and playstations, the in-cell TV blaring all day. I was at home juggling 4 very upset children and a full time job,not to mention a nervous breakdown. Then when he came out, he had no responsibilities, never had to be Mr Nasty, never had to "challenge" the children in any way so they adored their perfect father and gave me hell. Oh, I did learn from him because of this, I decided that there was no way I was going to do just the responsible stuff with the kids I was also going to do the fun stuff, the swimming, the cycle picnics, being Optimus Prime trying to prevent Megatron from taking over the world, baking and decorating cupcakes, trying to stop the kids from thrashing me too badly on the Wii and not just nagging them to tidy their rooms or do their homework.
Now, I am not jealous, I pity the man, he will never understand what it is to be a real parent, the joy of it all, the highs and the lows. My oldest daughter told me earlier in the summer that she does want to see her Dad, but that he is only a "best friend" sort of person to do nice things with he is not really a parent. I was going to cry at that point having tried so hard to be this fun person too, but then she went on to explain that I am all that and more, because I also do the difficult parenting part too. Many of her friends are apparently jealous of her relationship with me, they cannot and do not talk to their Mums and tell them the sort of important things she tells me. Then she cried and begged me never to leave her. This was because she knows how close I came to suicide a few years ago at the start of all this story. But the truth is that now I could never do that again, how could I ever contemplate missing the rest of her life, how could I not want to stay here to parent such a fantastic girl. How could I not want to stay when my son tells me that even though he loves school " a lot" he doesn't want to go because he loves me too much to be away from me and his heart hurts when he is not with me. No, now I could never do that.
I am so, so sad that this man, their father, will never have this deep level of joy and satisfaction of being a parent. He will only ever understand the transient, short lived, temporary joy of the "fun" in the here-and-now. I am sad that I "picked" such a man as the father of my children, but hell, I also picked me as their mother. Jealous, I have nothing to be jealous of.
01/08/2008
Flogging and Blogging
Despite the assurances of the last post that I would post more details of my current emotional turmoil, as per usual, real life got in the way as it inevitably does and my blogging was put on hold. It is with some envy that I read the blogs of Swan and Morningstar for whom the school holidays are the start of, albeit a too short, period of calm, for me it is the opposite as the various boarding schools turf out my children and send them home to Mum. Naturally they are always accompanied by a large amount of dirty washing and a list of all the uniform items that they have either lost or grown out of during the year for me to replace. In order to combat the "post school stress" I took a couple of weeks off and rented a holiday "cottage" in the UK. Thus, I have been gainfully (!?!) employed in seemingly endless cycle of washing, shopping and sewing on those annoying little name labels on the newly bought uniform.
Unfortunately being in the UK also means visits to the children by their father, my ******* ex-husband, and true to form he behaved awfully causing yet more upset and heartbreak for the children and myself. I have decided, finally, to go to court to prevent this from happening again as I just cannot take much more and remain sane.
In all of this mess although Andrew and I did manage to find a few occasions for mostly "stress relief" spankings, it has just not been enough to keep a "lid on it all" and as time has marched on I have found it hard to cope with everything, getting more and more "out of control" which always ends up with me arguing and been generally extremely bitch to Andrew, taking out this stress on him. He in turn has his own problems as he has finally been formally diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and is needing to come to terms with this, so has not been in the best of moods himself.
So we ended up basically not talking to each other for the last few days. With me going to bed early and him coming later when I am already asleep. He has been threatening me with a "damn good beating" to deal with my unacceptable behaviour but has been unwilling to actually administer it as he was concerned he might go too far as he was so furious with me. I of course have been desperate for that beating, but have been caught up in the familiar catch 22 situation of not knowing how to ask for this without appearing to be in the driving seat, which I (mostly !) try to avoid doing.
Well, finally after a heated telephone call yesterday, where I admit I was trying to push his buttons to get what I was needing, he snapped and told me to get myself home the second my work day ended. Although this was a "Hallelujah" moment I naturally pointed out all the urgent things I had to do before the spanking could take place, like collect our visitor from the airport and get the house ready etc, etc, etc, but Andrew told me, in no uncertain terms, to shut up, get home and adopt the required position. I thought the day would never end the last couple of hours of work seemed to last forever but finally home time came. I rushed downstairs and changed into my kit for the 7 mile cycle ride home.
I was flying through the countryside at a real rate of knots, newly permed hair blowing in the wind, when bang, my rear tyre got a puncture and went instantly flat at the same time a large clap of thunder rumbled over head. There I was, in the middle of open farmland, 5 miles from home, tyre flat as a pancake, stressed as hell and about to get deluged by the imminent thunderstorm. Although I did have a repair kit my pump was kaput and thus I could not inflate the tyre enough to get home. There were also, thankfully - I think - no passing cyclists, as I sure I could not have explained why it was so urgent that I borrow their pumps so I could get home for a good spanking, what the hell is "spanking" in German anyway! I was sure that Andrew was going to be convinced that I would try anything to get out of my well deserved punishment!
In the end my kids rescued me with a replacement bike, I cycled home on this (you would have died laughing if you had seen me as it was a kids bike so I had my knees up by my ears!), shouted at Andrew as I was so stressed and naturally now I was so late I had to rush to the airport with no time for spanking.
Later, though I did try to postpone the session until after I fixed the puncture (the last time I did this was 20 years ago and I knew I'd be stressed by it), I got my come-uppance, the flogging of the subject line. Normally this is not a word I like to use as it somehow sounds too severe, thus I prefer to use spanking, but to be honest it was the most severe "spanking" I have ever had thus really deserves the term "flogging".
Of course I am still stressed but feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, mind you the cycle to work this morning was not a pleasant experience!
Hil
Unfortunately being in the UK also means visits to the children by their father, my ******* ex-husband, and true to form he behaved awfully causing yet more upset and heartbreak for the children and myself. I have decided, finally, to go to court to prevent this from happening again as I just cannot take much more and remain sane.
In all of this mess although Andrew and I did manage to find a few occasions for mostly "stress relief" spankings, it has just not been enough to keep a "lid on it all" and as time has marched on I have found it hard to cope with everything, getting more and more "out of control" which always ends up with me arguing and been generally extremely bitch to Andrew, taking out this stress on him. He in turn has his own problems as he has finally been formally diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and is needing to come to terms with this, so has not been in the best of moods himself.
So we ended up basically not talking to each other for the last few days. With me going to bed early and him coming later when I am already asleep. He has been threatening me with a "damn good beating" to deal with my unacceptable behaviour but has been unwilling to actually administer it as he was concerned he might go too far as he was so furious with me. I of course have been desperate for that beating, but have been caught up in the familiar catch 22 situation of not knowing how to ask for this without appearing to be in the driving seat, which I (mostly !) try to avoid doing.
Well, finally after a heated telephone call yesterday, where I admit I was trying to push his buttons to get what I was needing, he snapped and told me to get myself home the second my work day ended. Although this was a "Hallelujah" moment I naturally pointed out all the urgent things I had to do before the spanking could take place, like collect our visitor from the airport and get the house ready etc, etc, etc, but Andrew told me, in no uncertain terms, to shut up, get home and adopt the required position. I thought the day would never end the last couple of hours of work seemed to last forever but finally home time came. I rushed downstairs and changed into my kit for the 7 mile cycle ride home.
I was flying through the countryside at a real rate of knots, newly permed hair blowing in the wind, when bang, my rear tyre got a puncture and went instantly flat at the same time a large clap of thunder rumbled over head. There I was, in the middle of open farmland, 5 miles from home, tyre flat as a pancake, stressed as hell and about to get deluged by the imminent thunderstorm. Although I did have a repair kit my pump was kaput and thus I could not inflate the tyre enough to get home. There were also, thankfully - I think - no passing cyclists, as I sure I could not have explained why it was so urgent that I borrow their pumps so I could get home for a good spanking, what the hell is "spanking" in German anyway! I was sure that Andrew was going to be convinced that I would try anything to get out of my well deserved punishment!
In the end my kids rescued me with a replacement bike, I cycled home on this (you would have died laughing if you had seen me as it was a kids bike so I had my knees up by my ears!), shouted at Andrew as I was so stressed and naturally now I was so late I had to rush to the airport with no time for spanking.
Later, though I did try to postpone the session until after I fixed the puncture (the last time I did this was 20 years ago and I knew I'd be stressed by it), I got my come-uppance, the flogging of the subject line. Normally this is not a word I like to use as it somehow sounds too severe, thus I prefer to use spanking, but to be honest it was the most severe "spanking" I have ever had thus really deserves the term "flogging".
Of course I am still stressed but feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, mind you the cycle to work this morning was not a pleasant experience!
Hil
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