Random Musings and Sadness

Andrew is having a hard time coping with the new dynamics in our relationship, he does not like the fact that I am no longer mothering him and he most definitely does not like that I am seeing other men, even though at the moment it is not for anything long term. So he is being exceeding unpleasant to me at the moment. He spends every evening going round in circles explaining how it is all my fault that I need a dominant (I know this) and that I have ruined his dreams of marriage etc, etc (I know this too). He wants to spend hours repeating the same discussions about how in theory the relationship will work if I bring a new partner into the dynamic. I say there is no point in talking theory as a) I do not have someone yet (and probably never will) and b) the actual dynamic will depend on the individual so there is no point in wasting time worrying about it until it happens. I know he is hurting but I do not know how to handle all this, it just feels like I am having salt rubbed into an open wound again and again.

In addition to that September is always a difficult month for me as it is the anniversary of my father's death. This year marks 15 years since he died and I can hardly believe how much has changed since then. In 1993 I was the mother of a 11 month old baby girl and was 4th months pregnant with my second child. Now I am the mother of 4 with my oldest about to turn 16.

How my father would have loved to see my children grow up, he was crazy about my first born and spoiled her rotten, he would not let me push her in her stroller when he was about, he insisted on pushing his granddaughter himself, sometimes even my mother could not get a look in!

As I have written before one of the things that I particularly need in a partner is someone who makes me feel safe and secure, I need to have boundaries to push against to be sure that they are there, consequences when I break the rules and someone else to take the reigns out of my hands so I can rest. All these things define safety for me. For my children and Andrew I am the person who fulfils that role, I make them feel safe, I organise their lives, make sure everything runs smoothly and that they want for nothing. As the oldest child I also feel that it is my role to also take care of my mother and my "little" sister (OK so she is nearly 39 but she is still my baby sister) and her family and to protect them all. But I have no-one to do that for me. I have to fight my own battles, I have to be constantly on guard and I never have any down time. Someone always needs something from me.

Yesterday with all of this sadness and hurt rolling around in my head and more than a few tears rolling down my cheeks I realised that the last time I actually felt safe was in September 1993 when my father was still alive. He was the person whom I trusted to protect me from harm even though I was a 25-year-old woman and mother of (nearly) 2 then. I'm nearly 42 now and have survived for fifteen years without him but I still have such a strong need to find someone else who can make me feel that way again. Silly isn't it.

Got Spanked - Hooray

As you know I am currently dealing with a serious obsession about spanking, yes I know that I want a full time Dominant Sadist to take me on, but as I said in the short term I'd make do with a damn good spanking.

Thus after all the upsets of last week with my problems with the "less than honest" Mike I'll now have to eat at least some of my words (only the small ones OK, nothing too major or indigestible) and admit that internet dating sites also can have their good points. On one of these I have recently "met" an American guy who is working temporarily in a city about a half hour drive south of me. He was clear in his profile that he did not want a permanent relationship, and as he has to return home to the States that would not be possible anyway, but he clearly has a sense of humour so I sent him a cheeky e-mail asking if he'd like to spank me. Outrageous behaviour I know, but a girl's gotta try!

We exchanged a number of e-mails and found that we share a similar sense of humour and work in similar professions. I directed him to the blog as a good place to get to know me and he was very complimentary about it. Well I'm a sucker for a compliment so we decided that it would be fun to meet for dinner and a chat.

Although I do have vanilla friends that know about my lifestyle I really would like to have "real" rather than cyber friend to talk about BDSM things with, in addition advice from an exerienced Dom is always useful. He had galantly offered to actually spank me in one e-mail as he said that "I was clearly a Damsel-in-Distress" and a good Knight "could not let a lady suffer now could he"! However, we decided to see how we got on before deciding whether we would play a little together.

Well, we had dinner yesterday evening and it was lovely. He was a perfect gentleman, not only did he hold the umbrella over my head as we walked as it was raining he also paid for dinner, which I was not expecting and opened the car door for me to get in. I cannot rememer the last time I have been with such an attentive gentleman.

We did hit it off after I got past my usual shyness and he agreed to take me home and administer the spanking that I have been craving for some time. He was kind and gentle (apart from the spanking bit at which he was very proficcient!) and really helped to put me at my ease. I was nervous as anything as this was only the second "play" session of my life.

As I said he was an excellent spanker, and also a very "caring" and sensual sadist who made sure that I was coping with everything and was not too nervous. He easily managed to get me into "masochist subspace heaven" and I spaced out for a while. Sadly several of my implements did not fare so well and will not live to see another spanking. I really need to order some better quality ones as long as I do not have to visit the German Customs Office again (see here for that story)!

I very much enjoyed our play time and the time he took with the aftercare and snuggling afterwards. It is a shame that they have found someone to do his job here permanently, I'd love him to stay nearby. Nevertheless, I hope we can meet again before he has to return to other side of the pond.

Thank you Bill, you have restored my faith in man-kind.

Hil

Important Petition

Dear Readers

Raheretic from The Heron Clan, has in a recent post drawn my attention to a petition to have the DSM which identifies anyone who enjoys BDSM or even "just"adult consensual spanking and Domestic Discipline as having a "mental disorder", changed. Please see the above linked post and the quoted text below. I would encourage all of my readers to sign the petition, you can hide your name from display in the petition if you wish.

"The NCSF, National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, that advocacy arm of the BDSM and polyamory community, is mounting a campaign to influence the A.P.A. to change the DSM to conform to empirical research, and abandon the stigma and ignorance based biases it has relied on in its past pronouncements about BDSM. NCSF has done an excellent job in laying out the case for how inappropriate this is in their "White Paper" on this topic.

There is a petition to the A.P.A. to change how it deals with our lifestyle. Please sign the petition urging the A.P.A. to make this change."

Hil

Where am I ?

Good question, huh!

It is easily answered in the literal sense as I am sitting at my laptop which is in my kitchen, in my house, which is located in a small village in the middle of Germany, Europe, the World!

In the metaphysical sense is is anything but simple, and I do not know the answer to that question at all. After a lot of soul searching, much thought and a fair few posts, I have finally decided where to go next. The trouble is how to get there. If any of you happen to have a map showing me the correct / easiest / shortest way that would be extremely helpful.

In the short term my need to get spanked, to defuse some of the building stress, is what seems to be mostly on my mind, in truth I am totally obsessing about it. I was helping friends to move house yesterday and whilst moving one of the bags I managed to whip myself on the ear with an old riding whip, I know must have been really clever to achieve this by accident, you had to be there!!! It of course hurt like mad but sadly it drew my attention towards the whip and thus I spent the next few hours fantasising about it being applied to my backside, aaahhh, help someone!

On the other hand obsessing about spanking has had some benefits as it has managed to take my mind off the upset caused by Mike last week and the court case against my ex which is coming up next week.

The trouble is the long term, I know that it is not just about spanking, it is much, much more than that, I really need to find that dominant, controlling man. I really, really need to find someone to submit to, to set boundaries, to give me a place where I feel safe.

And there is the rub, all this "stuff" that I need makes "dating" much more difficult, it makes you much more vulnerable and more open to hurt because you need to expose your "soft underbelly", at least a bit. How do you do this and avoid the Mikes of this world at the same time? Answers on a postcard please ...


... on the other hand getting spanked right now would let the pressure off a bit, wouldn't it!

Submissive ≠ Stupid

I am absolutely hopping mad at the moment, it seems that there are some people out there that seem to think that because I am a submissive that I am also stupid.

For these particular idiots I have a special news flash ...

SUBMISSIVE DOES NOT EQUAL STUPID !

If I am going to meet in person someone that I have first met on the internet then obviously, I am going to take certain precautions to ensure my own safety. Firstly I am going to use a safecall for the actual meeting so that if I do not check in with a friend by a certain time then that friend is going to call the Police and give them all the details about the meeting place. Secondly, before (and after) I get to that point I will also use all my considerable resources (and modesty!) to verify that the person who I am meeting/have met is who they say they are and that the information that they provide to me is accurate. This is common sense if you are a woman, especially one trying to find a BDSM based relationship at the "wrong" end of the whip.

Suffice it to say that I have been chatting to someone online and by phone for a couple of weeks and I actually met him in person when on business in London last week. He seemed very nice, although a little older than the photo on the website (should have rung warning bells perhaps, but middle aged men can be so vain at times). We talked for a while and he did demonstrate that he understood the sort of relationship dynamics that I was looking for (you know the ones!), having had a relationship like that before. So after a pleasant evening, with a teensy bit of spanking, albeit over clothes, thrown in, we agreed to see each other again.

He explained at some length then and subsequently over the phone, that his life was rather busy at present, but that he was working on freeing up some more time to enjoy himself and also a potential partner. All very promising I hear you say, but, I have a suspicious, some may say devious mind and thus continued the online researching which I had started before we met.

Well to cut a long story short this research led me to a "minor" inaccuracy in his story. Well minor to the extent that he seems to have "forgotten" when describing his family to mention that he has a daughter. In truth, actually he told me that he did not have any children and shared with me an extremely moving story about his previous girlfriend who had aborted their child leaving him devastated.

To be fair this whole story may not have been either a lie or an embellishment, he might not actually have a daughter. The trouble is if he doesn't have one then he is instead lying on Ebay where he is selling the car he "bought for his daughter in May" because she has "gone back to college".

Actually it does not matter, either way he is a liar and is thus not to be trusted.

So to steal a phrase from a popular British quiz show,

"Mike, you are the Weakest Link, Goodbye".

Where to next - part 3 - Masochism

To paraphrase the famous Bard, "to spank or not to spank that is the question ..."

At the end of the last part of this saga I wrote that I believed that if I found a partner with that "dominant" streak that I could live without the spanking part. However, a close friend of mine, on reading that post in the blog challenged me, over a nice cup of Yorkshire Tea (best kind of tea in the world!), to tell him if that was really true. Apparently when I talk about spanking in both forms, both the disciplinary mode and the "masochist subspace" version, it is clear that I am very passionate about the benefits of the whole experience and sort of glow with a sort of inner contentment. Thus he was not sure that I really could do without something that he said seems to feed my "inner self" so deeply.

I have struggled with this question over the last few weeks, on the one hand, I do actually think it is true that I could probably live without it, BUT that said, in true "having it all" mode, I would obviously like to have both dominance and spanking! A girls gotta try, hasn't she, who says I can't have my cake AND eat it!

I have been thinking hard about this over the last week or so and the best sort of explanation that I can come up with is the following.

On an intellectual level I can easily rationalise giving up spanking if I have a true dominant to care for me and direct my life. The trouble is that I have come to realise more and more in the last few days that my need to be spanked is also very strongly rooted in the physical and emotional levels.

I need the emotional connection that a good spanking gives, I need to know that my partner cares for me so much that they set the boundaries, make sure that they are enforced and should it be necessary to "give up their time" to administer any necessary discipline. I want to be able to push at these boundaries and feel that they are safe and secure around me, protecting me.

On the physical level, the true masochist in me I suppose I would have to say, has been experiencing a real physical yearning or craving to be spanked. Naturally I have had intellectual or emotional cravings, as a chocoholic having tried a number of unsuccessful diets it is hard not to, but this is the first time I have felt such a deep truly physical yearning. It is like a sort of dull ache, an itch that you cannot scratch, that just does not go away, it just sits there growing steadily, especially when I am feeling stressed or upset. I feel like a bottle of Coke that someone is shaking, they are shaking it oh so gently, but I know that eventually I am going to explode unless someone takes off the lid and allows the pressure to dissipate.

So, can I really live without being spanked?

The answer, I suppose is, probably not, especially if I do not want to make a mess on the carpet!

Where to next - part 2 - Dominance

Dominance, what does it mean? Well Dictionary.com gives the following definition:

dom·i·nance ,noun

1.	rule; control; authority; ascendancy.

2.	the condition of being dominant.

3.	Psychology. the disposition of an individual to assert control in dealing with others.

Point 3 just about sums it up for me "the disposition of an individual to assert control in dealing with others". How do I know, well because I have met Raheretic and there is just "something" about a true dominant which allows you to know with absolute certainty that he is a dominant and has a "disposition-to-assert-control". He has a tangible presence, an attitude and bearing rather than a physical presence which just lets you know this. It is not a sort of "malign" influence where you feel unexpectedly frightened in his presence, actually you do not at all feel that way, in fact you feel completely secure. I'm sure most women have met men who frightened them or made them really uncomfortable, yet there was no real overt reason for this to be so, it was not like this at all.

Until this point I can say that I had never met a true dominant. During all of our IM, phone and e-mail contact with the Herons there was just "something" about Raheretic that I could not explain. One way to explain it is that I never really used the designation "Sir" to refer to Andrew, it has always seemed a little silly, theatrical or OTT for me, but, I found that in my head I wanted to say "Sir" when I talked to Raheretic, even though I did not do so out loud because at that time it still seemed a little strange to me.

One one of our first evenings in an attempt to improve his techniques Andrew asked to try out several of Raheretic's paddles. It was a bizarre situation for me, the first time, excepting my regular visits to German saunas which are clothes free, where I had ever been either naked in front of "strangers" or spanked in public. Andrew and Raheretic discussed spanking techniques and demonstrated upon me while I was lying over Andrew's knee. Then Raheretic told me to stand up and bend over the bench, he explained that when he was in charge I was to do exactly what he said, I was to stand where he said, do as I was told immediately and was not to speak or move unless he gave me permission. I then got to sample a number of different paddles, though I am not really sure which ones as I could not see!. The paddling was exceedingly painful and it was all I could do to hang onto the bench and stand still, I was clutching the bench for dear life until my knuckles were white. But it just did not occur to me to move, painful as it was, I would not have done so because Raheretic had told me not to. It was as simple as that.

The following night I got to experience Swan's beloved flogging frame, it is a great piece of design, has both artistic form and function as both an item of furniture and an instrument of torture, which as an engineer I appreciated greatly. Actually as a masochist I appreciated it's functional form a great deal too!

First Raheretic gave Swan a flogging which she has described here better than I ever could. It was incredible to see their chemistry, their closeness, their togetherness in action, their love for each other just radiated out into the room. This was amazing but I experienced something I did not expect, I have never seen anyone else spanked/flogged and even though Swan seemed to be enjoying it, even revelling in it, I found that I could not watch, I had to close my eyes because it upset me to the point that it made me cry, I can't really explain it other than I felt like it would have been easier for me to have been standing there in her place, taking her pain for her rather than watching her experience it, and I do not mean that I was jealous and wanted to be spanked instead of her, more that I wanted to take away her pain, to "save" her from it, even though I know that she too is a masochist and was enjoying it.

Then it was my turn and I stepped up onto the frame. There were almost no words exchanged between Raheretic and me, I just knew what I was supposed to do, he had told me once the night before and there was no need for him to tell me again, I was just to stand on that frame, keep still and do as I was told.

I know that he went through all manner of implements, floggers, whips, canes, quirts etc of varying weights and designs, he also used I believe a knife and a Wartenburg wheel (at least that is what Andrew told me later), many of them made me want to scream with pain (but I was also aware that I could not do this as it might to upset the neighbours, being quiet was one of the rules that Raheretic had mentioned the night before too), I was sobbing my heart out at several points, crying silently in others, I know that I was holding onto the frame for dear life, one slightly surreal moment was when I realised the downside of perfectly manicured, false nails, they are just not at all sharp and thus you cannot dig them into your palms to help cope with the pain (I know I was really trying!). I also tried most if not all of the pain distraction techniques I had learned whilst in labour having my 4 kids, but the pain was worse than childbirth "au naturelle" and they just did not distract me. But despite all of the above I did not want it to end. I just knew that I was going to stand there and do as He had said, it would not have occurred to me to disobey him in any way. It was not that I would not have dared to because I was frightened, it was just that this was just not an option. I suppose I could have yelled at him to stop, not that he would have done of course as he is a sadist, but I just would not and could not have done so.

I did not know how long it lasted, 30 mins or so was Andrew's estimate. At some point I finally entered what I believe is called "subspace", I could still feel the pain, was still connected to it but at the same time I was floating somewhere up on the ceiling and did NOT want to come down, NO way NO how.

And then suddenly it was over, I recall Raheretic telling me that he thought I had had enough. In my head I was screaming "NO, please DON'T stop" but I could not have verbalised those thoughts even if I had tried. It was the longest, most incredibly painful session I have ever had combined with being the most amazing, mind blowing experience of my entire 41 years. In some ways even more mind blowing than giving birth, because I was not expecting it to be like that.

This is what dominance means to me, it is personality, attitude and presence. After that one 30 minutes I just knew that I wanted, no needed, to have someone in my life who could "do" that to me, to make me feel and act that way.

I am not talking here about the flogging, nor am I implying that I "fell in love" with Raheretic, because I did not (lovely though he is!), I am talking about finally "getting it", finally understanding that what I need in my life is a strong, dominant man.

I struggled with this issue for several days and finally talked it over with Raheretic, telling him that I had realised I finally understood that what I truly crave, a true dominant man to be in control. Even if that man never, ever, spanked me, even though I would be really sad I could live with it, as long as he had that Dominant "je ne sais pas" thing that makes me go weak at the knees when I hear his voice.

That thing that Raheretic has and Andrew does not, that thing that I now know I cannot do without. Sure if he were to be a dominant as well as a sadist who likes to spank then that would be great, as long as he is a Dominant with a capital 'D' then that is OK by me.

Hil

More hurt and upset, why can't life be simple?

Andrew was here briefly over the weekend, coming to collect the kids and accompany them back to school and like the gentleman he is, he offered to spank me. I wasn't sure what to do with that offer as I know that the level of pain I need him to inflict to do me any good is not the level that he is comfortable with, he just likes a little playful light spanking, not the full on flogging that I want. The trouble was that it has been more than 3 weeks since I last had a decent spanking and I was just craving a good long and hard session. In short I just could not say no and in addition a friend had bought me a nice paddle/tawse cross sort of thing as a present from Amsterdam and I wanted to try it out. Well in the past I have said that what I really like is a good hard flogging with style and finesse, but failing that brute force will just have to do. This time it didn't, I do not know whether it was the fact that I haven't been spanked for so long and have gone all wimpy, or that I know that Andrew is really unhappy hurting me or just that my head just isn't right at the moment, but it was a disaster for me, it just left me feeling frustrated, angry and on edge. It was not Andrew's fault at all, I should just have said no.

The trouble is that I have this real physical longing my whole body aches with a craving to be spanked, it isn't just a mental thing it has a huge physical part, like an itch that I can't scratch and it is driving me insane. I was so desperate with this feeling that I even found myself sending an e-mail to a random stranger (on one of the BDSM dating sites that I have joined to look for a new partner) and asking if he wants to give me a damn good spanking, just because he is a dominant, he lives nearby and likes to spank, I must be crazy. The trouble is I am also desperate to be spanked and I do not know what to do.

So Monday morning rolls around, I am stressed because of the failed spanking of Saturday night, but mostly coping and then my stupid ex-husband upsets the apple cart again.

Today the Police took him to court to take out an order banning him from certain dangerous behaviour that he has been indulging in, instead of just accepting the order he decided to fight it, so I am forced to have to fight him in court.

Although they have said I can prepared a written submission for the police to introduce on my behalf they would prefer me to be in court to represent myself and counter any argument he might have. So I have to face him again and I don't think I can. But I want him out of my life and the lives of my children and it seems that the best way for me to ensure this is to go to court, oh hell, I do not want to have to do this, I don't think I am up to it, but what choice do I have? Why can't he just drop dead and make my day.

Finally as not to end on a negative note, I have been chatting (on-line and off) to a lovely British guy called Mike, one of the few sane people that I have met from the above mentioned dating sites, he is sane as he actually read all through my profile and did not just try to send me pictures of his genitalia. So far we seem to be hitting it off, he has listened to me rambling about all my issues, listened to me fantasising about his whips and the like and he does seem to understand where I am coming from. Wish me luck as we try to deepen our friendship.

That's it for now, I'll try to post part 2 of the "Where to now?" on Domination and what it means to me later in the week if real life doesn't get in the way and I have some strength left after writing the letter to the court.

Hil