What can a Mascochist say ...

... to her 15 year old daughter who has explained that when she gets stressed she self-harms?

Haven't posted in a while but thought I'd write this in the hope that some of my old blog readers might have some idea about what to say or do.

My middle daughter is having some serious problems at the moment with self -esteem and her boyfriend's drug problem and she has confessed to me that she has used a razor to cut herself as it helps her to cope with the "pain" of all that stress. She is the one with ADHD so already has a lot to cope with in addition to all the s**t to do with her father.

I was, to put it mildly, horrified, my "baby" is self-harming. Of course I went into overdrive telling her that this is not a good thing and can be dangerous and that she needs to talk to someone about it, get some serious help, but all the time I was feeling hypocritical. How can I get angry with her for doing something "so stupid/dangerous" when I use pain in the same way. For me getting spanked/tortured etc is the only time when I am able to "tune out" the major stress in my life and to "turn off" my brain, or at least to slow it down to a level that I can cope with. Why shouldn't she "need" something similar?

What should I do, other than getting her a therapist pdq (pretty damn quick) that is? Anyone had any experience of this, I am out of my depth here?

Thanks

Hil

The End, or is it the Beginning ...

Hello All

Apologies to those who used to read me before, I've been away a long while. I'd like to claim that it is because work is hectic, which it is, or that the kids are hectic, which indeed they are, but the truth is that the real reason I have been away is that I have felt that I did not really have anything worthwhile to say.

This blog was all about the search to find myself, well that is not how it started (as those who have read it over the last year know), but it was what it fast turned in to, starting with domestic discipline, moving through to BDSM and latterly my coming to terms with understanding and accepting myself as I am, a masochist and submissive.

And I suppose in a mad kind of way I have not felt the need to blog any more because I seem finally to have found myself, and accepted me, warts and all and rather than write about it all I would rather actually live it.

I mentioned this to Andrew, who has been true to his word and has stayed in touch to continue to act as a male role model to my children, and he suggested that I really ought to "round off" the blog rather than leave it hanging so this is my attempt to do so. I am not saying that I will never write anything more here, but for now I do not plan to.

As to the actually living it bit, as I hinted before Christmas, but did not elaborate upon out of deference to Andrew's feelings (but as he has found someone new I think it is OK to "publish" this information) I have found my Dominant Sadist, the man I now call Master (well I do some of the time, the rest of the time I call him Dave!).

Over the last year I have "wasted" a considerable amount of time endlessly questioning, analysing and agonising over this "weird, kinky lunatic" side of me which has emerged from the deep. The submissive, masochist who "loves" to be controlled and spanked and needs pain. Well Dave has been instrumental in helping me to move past the "requirements analysis phase" into the "implementation phase" or is that "routine operation phase" proper, and to finally really accept this part of me, to stop fighting it and to just get on with living it.

I need the dynamic of having someone else in control, to tell me what to do, I do not understand why, I just do. For instance, why I cannot be "good" to myself, exercise regularly and not eat chocolate I do not know, but the truth is, I cannot, I have some need to "punish" myself for some unknown reason by not doing things I enjoy, like running, or doing things that are actively bad for me, like eating sugary stuff. But , when Dave tells me that I am to exercise regularly and not to eat chocolate, I do it. I am not saying it isn't hard, especially when you are a serious chocoholic, but it just works. If he sets the rules I can follow them, punkt (as they say here), full stop!

When I did fail recently, and, after a stressful day fighting my mother's computer gave in to my sugar cravings and ate a couple of biscuits and an After Eight or two, I was so upset, not as I was frightened about what he might "do", because I knew he would not be angry, but rather would be disappointed in me and I would prefer to 'cut off my right arm' rather than have him disappointed or displeased with me.

My mother was telling me recently that even as a small child I was always spending my pocket money to buy presents for other people and that (having just bought my sister a computer) it seems that I had not lost this habit. I told her that this was because I have always had this really deep seated need to please, to make people happy, even if it makes me unhappy, even deeply unhappy.

I still clearly have this need and doing things to make Dave happy makes me happy (even when it hurts or I don't like it) whether it is running, eschewing all forms of chocolate, being flogged or caned or making him a coffee, if he is pleased with me then I am in seventh heaven. In fact I'd do anything just to hear him say, "good girl". Yet if anyone else said those two words to me I'd bite the head off the patronising git!

I also need pain. Pain is my way of tuning out life and de-stressing. Why? Again I don't know, it just is and now I have accepted that it does not matter.

With Andrew I would often break the rules and misbehave to make him spank me, to give me that "bit". He did not like the inflicting of pain at all. With Dave, he spanks me because he likes to spank and because he knows I need it (and like it too, well some of the time as long as he does not use that damned loopy johnny from Leatherthorn paddles, how I hate/love that thing!). He also enjoys other forms of inflicting pain, and so I am also learning to enjoy the delicious art of sexual torture too.

It is strange mixing spanking and sex, I have always, perhaps artificially kept them separate, spanking being for discipline not for fun. But I am learning that they can mix, and mix quite well!

I have always felt extremely inadequate in the bedroom, mostly because for more than 10 years I was married to someone who firstly knew nothing about sex and secondly refused to talk about the subject as he found it embarrassing, unless of course he was drunk and was thus incapable. Being a submissive at heart made it extremely uncomfortable for me to talk to him about what he would like me to do or what I'd like him to do so I suffered in silence. With Andrew things were also a bit difficult because he did not really enjoy me pleasuring him and did not like to give me feedback on how I was doing so I became firmly convinced that I was unable to pleasure a man in bed. This did not really sit well with someone who has a high sex-drive as I do and I always seemed to feel dissatisfied.

Being with Dave has changed this completely, I know I'll not ever be really self-confident behind closed doors (or maybe open ones if that is what he wants) but my confidence really has increased. He has directed me from the start about what he likes, what I am to do and how I am to behave. Sure I can be creative and use my imagination but he sets down the ground rules and I operate within their boundaries. I have not had this much fun ever, even when I'm not allowed to play it is fun!

On a final note, and an unexpected one, this acceptance of me has had some interesting consequences on the work front. Dave asked me once, early on, if I found it difficult and tiring "Dom-ing" at work as this was clearly something that should make me uncomfortable.

Initially I thought, 'no of course not', but after some serious thought about the subject I realise that he was right. It takes serious mental effort to step out of my natural position and "Dom", and it makes me very tired, both emotionally and physically. I always used to blame myself for being inadequate or stupid when I could not "handle" something which I felt that I "should" be able to which just made the situation worse. Now I realise that this was just because my reactions were more sub-based than I realised. Well, now I know this I can devise strategies to cope with these situations. When you work in such a testosterone fuelled industry as I do these are inevitable and having some way of handling them is really useful and stopping beating myself up for being useless also makes a big difference. Positive energy is always better than negative.

So that is it, the end. It has taken a year or so but finally I have actually found what is actually the beginning of the path which I want to follow, the one that feels most "me". Sure there will be many bumps along the way, but this "me" feels much more able to meet these challenges head on.

Thanks for reading. I'll always answer e-mails.

Hil
xxx

Where to next - part 2 - Dominance

Dominance, what does it mean? Well Dictionary.com gives the following definition:

dom·i·nance ,noun

1.	rule; control; authority; ascendancy.

2.	the condition of being dominant.

3.	Psychology. the disposition of an individual to assert control in dealing with others.

Point 3 just about sums it up for me "the disposition of an individual to assert control in dealing with others". How do I know, well because I have met Raheretic and there is just "something" about a true dominant which allows you to know with absolute certainty that he is a dominant and has a "disposition-to-assert-control". He has a tangible presence, an attitude and bearing rather than a physical presence which just lets you know this. It is not a sort of "malign" influence where you feel unexpectedly frightened in his presence, actually you do not at all feel that way, in fact you feel completely secure. I'm sure most women have met men who frightened them or made them really uncomfortable, yet there was no real overt reason for this to be so, it was not like this at all.

Until this point I can say that I had never met a true dominant. During all of our IM, phone and e-mail contact with the Herons there was just "something" about Raheretic that I could not explain. One way to explain it is that I never really used the designation "Sir" to refer to Andrew, it has always seemed a little silly, theatrical or OTT for me, but, I found that in my head I wanted to say "Sir" when I talked to Raheretic, even though I did not do so out loud because at that time it still seemed a little strange to me.

One one of our first evenings in an attempt to improve his techniques Andrew asked to try out several of Raheretic's paddles. It was a bizarre situation for me, the first time, excepting my regular visits to German saunas which are clothes free, where I had ever been either naked in front of "strangers" or spanked in public. Andrew and Raheretic discussed spanking techniques and demonstrated upon me while I was lying over Andrew's knee. Then Raheretic told me to stand up and bend over the bench, he explained that when he was in charge I was to do exactly what he said, I was to stand where he said, do as I was told immediately and was not to speak or move unless he gave me permission. I then got to sample a number of different paddles, though I am not really sure which ones as I could not see!. The paddling was exceedingly painful and it was all I could do to hang onto the bench and stand still, I was clutching the bench for dear life until my knuckles were white. But it just did not occur to me to move, painful as it was, I would not have done so because Raheretic had told me not to. It was as simple as that.

The following night I got to experience Swan's beloved flogging frame, it is a great piece of design, has both artistic form and function as both an item of furniture and an instrument of torture, which as an engineer I appreciated greatly. Actually as a masochist I appreciated it's functional form a great deal too!

First Raheretic gave Swan a flogging which she has described here better than I ever could. It was incredible to see their chemistry, their closeness, their togetherness in action, their love for each other just radiated out into the room. This was amazing but I experienced something I did not expect, I have never seen anyone else spanked/flogged and even though Swan seemed to be enjoying it, even revelling in it, I found that I could not watch, I had to close my eyes because it upset me to the point that it made me cry, I can't really explain it other than I felt like it would have been easier for me to have been standing there in her place, taking her pain for her rather than watching her experience it, and I do not mean that I was jealous and wanted to be spanked instead of her, more that I wanted to take away her pain, to "save" her from it, even though I know that she too is a masochist and was enjoying it.

Then it was my turn and I stepped up onto the frame. There were almost no words exchanged between Raheretic and me, I just knew what I was supposed to do, he had told me once the night before and there was no need for him to tell me again, I was just to stand on that frame, keep still and do as I was told.

I know that he went through all manner of implements, floggers, whips, canes, quirts etc of varying weights and designs, he also used I believe a knife and a Wartenburg wheel (at least that is what Andrew told me later), many of them made me want to scream with pain (but I was also aware that I could not do this as it might to upset the neighbours, being quiet was one of the rules that Raheretic had mentioned the night before too), I was sobbing my heart out at several points, crying silently in others, I know that I was holding onto the frame for dear life, one slightly surreal moment was when I realised the downside of perfectly manicured, false nails, they are just not at all sharp and thus you cannot dig them into your palms to help cope with the pain (I know I was really trying!). I also tried most if not all of the pain distraction techniques I had learned whilst in labour having my 4 kids, but the pain was worse than childbirth "au naturelle" and they just did not distract me. But despite all of the above I did not want it to end. I just knew that I was going to stand there and do as He had said, it would not have occurred to me to disobey him in any way. It was not that I would not have dared to because I was frightened, it was just that this was just not an option. I suppose I could have yelled at him to stop, not that he would have done of course as he is a sadist, but I just would not and could not have done so.

I did not know how long it lasted, 30 mins or so was Andrew's estimate. At some point I finally entered what I believe is called "subspace", I could still feel the pain, was still connected to it but at the same time I was floating somewhere up on the ceiling and did NOT want to come down, NO way NO how.

And then suddenly it was over, I recall Raheretic telling me that he thought I had had enough. In my head I was screaming "NO, please DON'T stop" but I could not have verbalised those thoughts even if I had tried. It was the longest, most incredibly painful session I have ever had combined with being the most amazing, mind blowing experience of my entire 41 years. In some ways even more mind blowing than giving birth, because I was not expecting it to be like that.

This is what dominance means to me, it is personality, attitude and presence. After that one 30 minutes I just knew that I wanted, no needed, to have someone in my life who could "do" that to me, to make me feel and act that way.

I am not talking here about the flogging, nor am I implying that I "fell in love" with Raheretic, because I did not (lovely though he is!), I am talking about finally "getting it", finally understanding that what I need in my life is a strong, dominant man.

I struggled with this issue for several days and finally talked it over with Raheretic, telling him that I had realised I finally understood that what I truly crave, a true dominant man to be in control. Even if that man never, ever, spanked me, even though I would be really sad I could live with it, as long as he had that Dominant "je ne sais pas" thing that makes me go weak at the knees when I hear his voice.

That thing that Raheretic has and Andrew does not, that thing that I now know I cannot do without. Sure if he were to be a dominant as well as a sadist who likes to spank then that would be great, as long as he is a Dominant with a capital 'D' then that is OK by me.

Hil

I'm still here, honest, you just can't see me ...

Hi All

I am sorry that I have been away for so long but there has been a lot going on in my life, both inside my head and in reality which has made blogging too difficult for several reasons.

The reality part is a combination of the end of the school term and the chaos that causes when you have 4 kids to sort out (in 2 different countries and 3 different schools) with the usual round of concerts, sports days and exams to manage and the shenanigans of my ex-husband. He has been acting in a manner which at least spectacularly stupid and at worst possibly dangerous and I have had to spend some considerable time ensuring that my children are properly protected from the worst of his actions by numerous consultations with various legal and professional authorities.

This latest incident is just one of a series which is part of an ongoing saga which stretches back more than 5 years, although I am more able to handle the situation now and do not get as upset as I did before, it is nevertheless emotionally and physically draining to have to do it and it leaves me unable to give much energy to anything else. But the next steps are in the hands of the police and the lawyers and for now I can do no more thus I have time to "enjoy" a bit of a breathing space and to deal with the "stuff" inside my head.

So with no further ado I'll move on to that !

As you will have seem from my recent posts I have been struggling to come to terms with some parts of me which have been slowly emerging as Andrew and I have been following our DD path, namely submission and masochism. I have known, since I was in my mid teens, that these parts of me existed but had not been able to acknowledge or admit to them until very recently. As a small aside I can honestly say that "choosing" a relationship where I get regularly spanked had absolutely nothing to do with these masochistic tendencies, in fact they did not enter my head at all, as chronicled earlier in this blog we started DD for completely different reasons.

However, I digress, what has been happening over the last few months is that I have found that this journey seems to be changing my life in a really radical way and this is not because DD/ BDSM is in itself a radical lifestyle, but because it has started to change something much more fundamental within me.

I have spent some considerable time discussing all this with The Heron Clan, mostly because they are wonderfully nice, non judgemental people, who have "been there done that" in the DD/BDSM world but also because they have some real understanding of my issues on a much deeper level coupled with a real gift for mentoring and excellent communication. Swan pointed out to me that I ought to be posting all my conflicts here in the blog, not because I have found answers yet, because I haven't, but because it helps to write it all down, and perhaps it might help me unravel it a bit, a tough task but here goes!

Well what is the problem, let me try to explain...

Although the changes in Andrew's and my life which we wanted to bring about by embarking on this DD path have indeed started to bear fruit the truth is that this new journey has actually started to change my life in a completely unexpected and radical way, not because DD/BDSM is a "radical" lifestyle but because it has started to make me feel that perhaps I am "finally" allowed to do something for me and this is a pretty unusual concept for me.

For most of my adult life I have lived to do things for other people (partners, husband, kids, family, colleagues), sometimes even doing things to them happy even if they did not make me happy. The truth is that I have always put my needs/wants/desires on hold and made sure that their needs/wants/desires were fulfilled. It is what I believe(d) the traditional role of wife and mother was really about, even though I clearly was/am not a typical wife and mother but perhaps even more because I was not. This traditionalist view was also carried through in my beliefs about sex, a woman is supposed to be totally submissive in the bedroom and lie back and think of England she is not supposed to ask for sex and she is definitely not supposed to like pain etc. I have found that actually I am only happy adopting a submissive role in the bedroom and that when forced into a more dominant role with my ex-husband I was really unhappy. Strangely this is one place where I am a reasonably good submissive, if I can just lick that in the rest of my life that would be great!!

I started therapy 5 years ago after a nervous breakdown induced by a very stressful situation caused by my ex-husband, what I thought would be a short term thing to get me through these issues and involve much cursing and swearing about my stupid ex has turned out to be a long term thing where I mostly talked about me and started to finally deal with the very significant issues that I had, irrespective of the stress related to my ex. Most of my problems centered on my extremely negative self image which was deeply ingrained from years and years of bullying at school. Although I am very lucky in that I had and indeed still have a very supportive and loving family, my school environment was extremely abusive, in short a living hell. In short I had believed everything that the bullies had told me about myself and despite outwardly being a confident and happy person, inside I was deeply unhappy and self-loathing.

It was this self-loathing had always meant that I refused to "allow" myself to do anything that was good for me or would make me happy. I hated the fact that I was overweight but could/would not control my eating, indeed I would often deliberately eat the wrong things to "punish" myself and reinforce the view that I was fat, ugly and useless as I had been told for years. Yet I would proclaim to the world that I was happy with my size and it was the rest of society who were wrong and narrow minded, they should love me for who I was on the inside and not what I looked like on the outside, despite the fact that I despised myself.

This "double bluff" worked well for so long that I had managed to convince myself that it was not my problem it was just the world's problem and it was only through the many, many sessions with my patient therapist that I was finally able to first identify this negative record, that was constantly playing in my head, and then counter it's damaging effects. Thus about 18 months ago I finally started to exercise and lose some weight and become much more happy with my body. I even started to really enjoy the exercising, something that I had always considered as a necessary evil before. I get so much satisfaction when I run 5km or have a good session in the gym, things I never thought I could do in a million years, things that the bullies had said I could never do because I was so fat. I will be honest and say that the record is still there, I know it and recognise it for what it is, but sometimes I still have problems not reacting to it. It sometimes tells me for instance that, because I not only enjoy running and the gym but they are also good for me, I am not "allowed" to do them.

I have been battling this mindset for a while and have been working with my therapist on getting used to the idea that I should be "allowed" to do things that make me happy. As I said before I have spent a lot of my life doing things to make other people happy even though, in some cases it did not make me happy or indeed made me very miserable, but I do get great satisfaction, or you could call it "indirect happiness" out of making others happy. However, "direct" happiness, doing things just for me, because I want to, has not been possible, or if possible has been associated with great feelings of guilt, e.g. I cannot go shopping to spend the money (that I alone work hard to earn) on myself unless I really "need" the item, but I can buy totally frivolous things for other people who clearly do not need, nor often in the case of my kids deserve them. I suppose in a warped way doing things to make others happy and at the same time me unhappy has continued to "feed" my need to punish myself because I "know" I am a bad person, I suspect this is why this behaviour has continued for so long.

And so to now, coming to terms with my self image issues when dealing with "normal" things like diet, exercise and body image was one thing but now, starting to deal with much more "not normal", but even deeper and stronger issues like submission and masochism is a whole new ball game. I am already "bad" as I am overweight and cannot control my eating, for example, what must I be because I have a deep desire to be submissive and an enjoyment of pain - crazy, evil, certifiable?

Perversely it is purely because these needs are so strong that I have been forced to address them, now I have taken "it" out of the box, I cannot put "it" back. I have finally to admit that there is something that I want AND need so strongly that I cannot any longer suppress it. I am going to have to "allow" myself to have something that I actually want, because I cannot face the alternative, living without it, this now seems impossible. It is too late to turn back, I am out of control now, even though I am terrified of what the future may hold as Andrew and I continue down this path, I know I cannot go back to life as it was.

So the battle between what I want (the good stuff) and what I am "allowed" to have (the bad stuff) has been raging for a few weeks now. It seems the more I move down the path to what I want towards submission the harder the other good stuff (diet and exercise) becomes to do. I have been eating badly and missing the gym in order to somehow "compensate" for exploring and enjoying the "wanted" submissive and masochistic side of me. It is like I have to do these negative things to balance out the positive ones.

So, this is part one of my current turmoil, I'll try and post the rest in a couple of days, just need to put the washing on and start packing for my holiday which starts on Friday - yippee.

Hil

June is bustin' out all over ...

June is bustin' out all over
The ocean is full of Jacks and Jills (or is that Hils ?!),
With the little tail a-swishing'
Ev'ry lady fish is wishin'
That a male would come
And grab 'er by the gills!

I've always loved the musical Carousel and I realised that one of the verses could sort of be DD related, OK so just indulge me in my fantasy for a minute ... "the little tail", or was that a paddle "a swishin" and the "lady fish wishin' " that she would be grabbed "by the gills" for a swift spanking perhaps!

I wonder what other songs I can adapt for DD, off the top of my head I can think of only one other which is from another musical, Cabaret, "Helga is the baby. I'm just like a father to her. So when she's bad, I spank her. And she's very, very, very, very, very bad"! Sounds like I need to do a bit of Google-ing tonight!! Unless you, dear lurkers, can help me out with some ideas.

June already, nearly half way through the year, where did that almost half year go so far, anyone know, it sort of flew past without me noticing!

Life has once again been a bit challenging, I have been struggling with my submissive urges once again, I seem to go for long periods where I can manage to submit without too much trouble and then, wham, I hit a brick wall, and me submit, no way, no siree!

In a vague attempt to come to terms with my newly emerging persona I discussed the issues surrounding Dominance/submission and their extremely close cousins sadism/masochism with my therapist. I have been struggling to come to terms with the realisation that I should wear both the submissive and masochist "hats". In the surprisingly philosophical interlude which followed this revelation from me, he pointed out to me that these are actually extremely normal, natural states, "never" said I, but "actually yes", said he, "in fact life is a cycle of S/M or D/s". If I had not been lying down (sadly not on the "stereotypical" leather couch, I love leather - but that is another story ho ho!!) at the time I probably would have keeled over in amazement. Natural, normal, NEVER!!! His explanation went something like this...

Let's start with sex ("a very good place to start" as Julie Andrew's would have perhaps said!!) , this is in itself is about an act of dominance on the part of the man and submission for the woman, he has to have enough dominance (fuelled by the hormone testosterone which also of course fuels aggression, without enough of this aggression he just can't keep it up!!) to provide the possibility to 'penetrate' her and she has to submit to such penetration. Then in a further act of sadism the sperm has to "penetrate" the egg which has to submit to this if a new life is to be conceived.

The mother then carries this "foreign being", in her womb for the next 9 months (assuming that all went OK in the previous stage and the egg was not 'running' about the fallopian tubes screaming, "submit, ha, you must be f*****g joking"). The "blissful" state of pregnancy is in itself somewhat masochistic, think morning sickness, heartburn, the little blighter tap dancing on your bladder etc, etc. After all babies are basically extremely effective sadists, "sucking" all they need from the mother (often to her disadvantage, and clearly without her consent!!) in order to give themselves the best start in life.

Finally the mother has to turn from this submissive being, who allows this to take place into a dominant aggressive one, "expelling" the intruder from her body into the world. As a mother of 4 I can tell you that this is the ultimate "masochistic" act and we haven't gone anywhere near breastfeeding yet! I could go on with the theme but I think you get the gist.

In summary, as I guess you'll all need a brief summary after all that philosophising, labelling myself as either or both (submissive and/or masochist) should not be considered as meaning I am mad or bad, I am just part of the natural cycle of life!

Hmmm, food for thought, or what!

Hil