Stress

OK the situation at my place is as follows, I currently have my ex-husband, his new partner, my partner and all my kids at home. My ex and I have been separated for 5 years and divorced for 2 1/2. Our breakup was extremely complicated and suffice it to say that the circumstances that surrounded it were extremely stressful to the extent that coping with all these issues (many of which are ongoing) still necessitates a weekly visit for me to a psychiatrist who is helping me work through them. Without going into the gory details I can say that one of the least of the problems was my ex's alcoholism, and as such you can perhaps understand that the other problems are obviously at a rather major level.

Due to these issues the children have only had limited contact with their father since our separation and I have continued to shield them as much as I can from the ongoing problems. However at the beginning of last year my ex's behaviour deteriorated to the point that I had to stop them seeing him completely. This was obviously very distressing for both him and them. Despite what has happened all of the kids wanted very much to see their father again and thus after the intervention and support from a number of professional organisations we managed to reach a sort of compromise situation where they could see him for short, accompanied visits.

To cut a long story short, in the last few months he has both seen the error of his ways and has met a lovely new woman and things have improved to the point where I felt prepared to have him visit the children at home. This means that they can spend some lengthy quality time with him and meet his new partner too.

I have been absolutely dreading this visit, partly because it means having the man who caused me so much hurt in my home again and partly because it also means having a 'stranger' in my house too. Well that and the fact that the kids are all home from school with the "normal" chaos that usually involves. Oh and did I mention that the ex is fitting a new kitchen (in return for me paying for their airfares here) which means that the contents of the old kitchen currently reside in the dining room so meals (take aways) are taken in the living room and everywhere is in total chaos and covered in sawdust or plaster dust. Aaahhh, men in white coats come and take me away now.

The "trouble" is that it has been absolutely fine, my ex has behaved impeccably, his new partner is absolutely lovely and we get on like a house on fire. Not to mention that she likes the kids, the kids like her and she has common sense in spades and has helped me with the cooking, washing and cleaning. I feel so stressed because I am not stressed if that makes any sense at all, which it probably doesn't.

This stress has been simmering below the surface over the last week and I know it has been colouring the previous maintenance sessions that I have already written about. I have felt like a kettle just below boiling point, gently steaming away but not relieving the pressure and tension of this pent up stress. The only place I have been able to find an outlet for the stress is by 'working it all out' on Andrew. Yes I have been awful to my HoH, snappy, critical and disrespectful and he is becoming seriously fed up with my behaviour and I can't say I blame him.

The trouble is because he is too nice I have been "getting away with blue murder" because he is being really lenient with me, because of the situation. Thus I have been such a brat, trying to provoke him, I suppose, into giving me the stress relief spankings I need but just cannot bring myself to ask for. I am so disappointed in myself for doing this but I find it so hard to ask him to spank me especially as he is already doing that enough just for maintenance.

I do hope that he reads this and lets me have it!

Hil

Maintenance #3

Well was really doing well on Sunday but blew it again on Tuesday. I had a terrible day at work having to deal with a lot of agro when someone else's mistake was made into my problem so I had to sort out the mess. This took so long that I did not have time to either go to my lunchtime stress busting gym session nor to have lunch which did not help.

Thus I was already pretty wound up when I found the icing on the cake, I had left my coat in the car which I had not taken to work. So I ended up walking and bus-riding in the freezing cold.

I did not have the car as at present my ex-husband, with whom I have had a very difficult relationship for sometime (although we are trying to put this behind us and make a big effort to be friends for the children) and his new girlfriend are visiting from England so that she can meet the little monsters, sorry darlings, and he is, in return for me paying for his flights, fitting a new kitchen for me and has been using my car to get all the bits and bobs he needs.

Thus with all these factors I know I was not in a good mood and I snapped at Andrew when I got home as he made a stupid remark. I was expecting a bit of sympathy but he did not give me any. Thus until bed time whilst frantically building kitchen cupboards I sat and fumed and worked myself up into a real sulk.

Deciding that maintenance was "not happening no way José" I jumped into bed instead of waiting for Andrew as I am supposed to on maintenance days. This did not go down well with him and we had our usual discussion about me not being in control and him deciding when and where he will discipline me. Well he talked at me and I sulked back. So I got spanked anyway as he promised that I would even if I did not comply.

Unfortunately, he told me that he would continue to spank me until I begged him to stop, but in my major sulk mode there was no way I was letting him "beat me" (ha, ha) by asking him to stop. Thus he continued for a seriously long time until I just could not take it any more and had no option but to give in and plead for him to cease.

Suffice it to say my backside is now extremely painful as that was the worst spanking I have ever received. But I have to say that I probably deserved it for being such a brat, and that afterwards I felt so much better, I still hate it when that happens, when he gets it so right and knows what I need when I do not.

The following morning, literally, just before I was due to walk out the door to work, to another stressful day he ordered me over his knee again and gave me a number of hard swats with the paddle. Boy was I cross as I felt I did not have time, I was all dressed up in best executive mode and I did not deserve it. But all Andrew said was, 'now you will be mad at me and not at your colleagues, so you can have a much calmer day at work'. Damn it, he was right on that score too.

Hil

Maintenance #2

Well I managed a better attempt at submission last night you will be pleased to hear. Luckily I have tonight as a break before Maintenance session #3 on Tuesday.

My HoH is noticing my yawns and has thus ordered me to go to bed immediately, or else, so I had better make this a very short post and write more later as I do not want to be in any more trouble. Sometimes I just want to do what I want and not submit to his authority but I suppose I must even in these small things such as bed time!!

Take care

Hil

He's back ...

After a three week break my dearest HoH is back, and yes I am writing to you sitting on a rather painfully tanned backside. Failing to behave well and thus getting up to 4 maintenance sessions per week is not a good idea, neither is admitting to your HoH that you have been stupidly neglecting your health and not arranging a cervical smear that is probably 5 years overdue. Needless to say he was not best pleased with my stupidity and gave me a punishment spanking on the spot. If I do not immediately make an appointment on Monday morning and go to the appointment within the next week I am going to receive a punishment spanking for each day I delay. I think that the embarrassment of the smear will not be as great as the worry about another serious punishment spanking, so first thing tomorrow I will be making that appointment.

OK, back to the main narrative. Half of me was delighted to have Andrew back and half of me was rather apprehensive as I knew what was coming to me. Well, as I mention above, it and more did indeed come, and I found it all rather difficult. It sounds a bit strange but it did take me some time to get back into a properly submissive frame of mind and it was more painful than usual as ones backside tends to soften up again after a three week break!

Together with the problems I encountered trying to get back into the correct way of thinking something also really hit home to me the first night, together with all the conflicting emotions of DD, I found another unexpected emotion, fear, not fear of being spanked, but fear because I realised how much I have come to rely on Andrew through the practice of DD. I have not since I was a child had to rely on anyone, indeed I have fought very hard not to rely on anyone other than me. As I have written in previous posts it was this 'over' self reliance which caused us many problems in our relationship before DD. After only 5 month practicing DD it is scary to see how much I already rely on him. However, when I get scared I tend to become angry and argumentative and thus my realisation of this emotion led to a difficult half an hour or so with me basically being a sulky uncommunicative brat because I just could not articulate my fears. You see if you say them out loud then they become true.

After a good bit of talking to and spanking of course eventually I had to admit how I was feeling, and then of course it was all OK again. I do not know why spanking should work in this way, but it does.

Unfortunately maintenance session number 2 is looming so I had better go and prepare. This time I want to be in the right frame of mind from the get go. I'll let you know if I manage it in the next post.

I have not had much time to post recently as I am in the process of replacing my kitchen and thus please bear with me if it takes a couple of days for the next post to appear.

Hil

Depression and DD

How do you handle DD when your HoH suffers from depression?


My previous posts have dealt with my problems around dealing with DD when my partner behaves in a non-HoH manner, but these have been times when one could say that he made a 'conscious' choice to not behave in that way, e.g. to wind me up. What do you do when your partner is not acting as your HoH when it is not really their fault?

What I am talking about here, for us, is that my partner suffers from depression and has done so since his mid teens, he is now in his late thirties. His self confidence plummets, he considers himself worthless and he stops making rational decisions. He also tends to be extremely 'economical with the truth', lying by omission or telling me what he thinks I want to hear rather than the whole truth. Once I worm out this truth my natural tendency is, of course, to take control of the situation and make the relevant 'sensible' decisions for him. I then 'mother' or bully him in equal amounts to try and get him to snap out of this 'depressive mood'. The trouble is that stepping in negates the very reasons we started this DD journey to avoid.

I know that we are a couple and thus should support each other in all areas, I should be able to step in when he is not able to do something as he does when the situation is reversed. In most areas this is fine and we do just that, e.g. he does not like driving particularly and I do, so in general when we go out I drive, I have great difficulty saying 'no' to people who want my help so he says 'no' for me. But in this one critical area, this HoH role if I step in I feel that this just puts me back to square one, where we were before DD. I do not really want to go back to that place again, the one before DD (it is not nice for either of us when I do). But I cannot stand by while he makes a mess of things, I do not mean small things either, these can be important things which could negatively affect our future. It is not that I cannot step in, obviously I can or we would have had no issues in the power dynamic of our relationship and would not need DD, but should I?

This may seem to be a bit of a whine and I suppose it is, I do understand what depression is like, as I had a breakdown myself a few years ago, but the difference was that mine was caused mostly by external factors rather than Andrew's 'imaginary' internal factors. It is hard when I see a man who is highly intelligent (he is a member of MENSA no less!!), who is extremely well respected in his professional and personal lives and who is most capable in many ways even though he is a tad challenged in the 'common sense' and domestic engineering departments, acting like an angst ridden and sulky teenager.

He has also told me that when he is depressed the only time he actually feels good about himself is when he is giving me my, as he says 'much needed maintenance disciplines' or a punishment spanking.

I know it should not, but it does nevertheless, make me angry and hurt when he acts this way even knowing that depression is all about not acting rationally and that it is not really his fault. It is just that I "need" him to NOT be like this.

I suppose that perhaps I could just ask for a spanking and then lie down and let him 'spank' me until he feels better, but this might be rather a painful solution, at least for me. But this is perhaps the one time that I would be happy to let him spank me when he is not behaving in a true HoH manner.

If anyone has any ideas or experience about how to deal with this complex issue I would love to hear them.

Thanks for listening, I hope I will not whinge so much in the next post but I do need to vent a bit, better to do it here than to Andrew directly even though I know he reads these posts.

Hil