After a three week break my dearest HoH is back, and yes I am writing to you sitting on a rather painfully tanned backside. Failing to behave well and thus getting up to 4 maintenance sessions per week is not a good idea, neither is admitting to your HoH that you have been stupidly neglecting your health and not arranging a cervical smear that is probably 5 years overdue. Needless to say he was not best pleased with my stupidity and gave me a punishment spanking on the spot. If I do not immediately make an appointment on Monday morning and go to the appointment within the next week I am going to receive a punishment spanking for each day I delay. I think that the embarrassment of the smear will not be as great as the worry about another serious punishment spanking, so first thing tomorrow I will be making that appointment.
OK, back to the main narrative. Half of me was delighted to have Andrew back and half of me was rather apprehensive as I knew what was coming to me. Well, as I mention above, it and more did indeed come, and I found it all rather difficult. It sounds a bit strange but it did take me some time to get back into a properly submissive frame of mind and it was more painful than usual as ones backside tends to soften up again after a three week break!
Together with the problems I encountered trying to get back into the correct way of thinking something also really hit home to me the first night, together with all the conflicting emotions of DD, I found another unexpected emotion, fear, not fear of being spanked, but fear because I realised how much I have come to rely on Andrew through the practice of DD. I have not since I was a child had to rely on anyone, indeed I have fought very hard not to rely on anyone other than me. As I have written in previous posts it was this 'over' self reliance which caused us many problems in our relationship before DD. After only 5 month practicing DD it is scary to see how much I already rely on him. However, when I get scared I tend to become angry and argumentative and thus my realisation of this emotion led to a difficult half an hour or so with me basically being a sulky uncommunicative brat because I just could not articulate my fears. You see if you say them out loud then they become true.
After a good bit of talking to and spanking of course eventually I had to admit how I was feeling, and then of course it was all OK again. I do not know why spanking should work in this way, but it does.
Unfortunately maintenance session number 2 is looming so I had better go and prepare. This time I want to be in the right frame of mind from the get go. I'll let you know if I manage it in the next post.
I have not had much time to post recently as I am in the process of replacing my kitchen and thus please bear with me if it takes a couple of days for the next post to appear.
Hil
1 comment:
Hil, I think that fear is something we all go through and, in fact multiple times, as the layers of the onion are peeled back. It IS hard and at times frightening to reveal your insecurities and to allow yourself to rely on ANYONE the way we must rely on our husbands to have the connection and intimacy we crave. Sounds like you are doing great though! Sara
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