So after all the upheaval and soul searching of the last few weeks where exactly do I go from here? I know the "easy" part about what I need in my life to make me feel happy, safe and secure; dominance, control and Masochism (pain), but these are simple words to bandy about but what do they mean in practice, how do or can they fit with my version of real life. As we know real life has a real knack of getting in the way of your desires and my real life is a it more complicated than a lot of peoples, oh for a desert island, a hammock and a bit of peace and quiet!!
In order that I can share with a potential new partner, what all the above means to me I have been thinking around the subjects of Control, Dominance and Masochism as how can I tell them what I need if I do not know myself.
Thus with no further ado I'll move onto my definition of control.
I suppose control is something that I find very important as in the rest of my life I am a total control freak. Perhaps this is why I need so strongly in my private life someone else to be in control. For me having someone in control of me is a real turn on. But they really must be in control and not just because I say so. This was of course how Andrew and I survived, he pretended to be in control and I let him think he was, well some of the time I did, the rest of the time I bottomed from the top or just plain mothered him. This was not a turn on at all as I have already got 4 kids and did not need another. I suppose the est way of summarising this is to say that I do not want the famous sign "I'm the boss in this house and I have my wife's permission to say so" anywhere in my home. I want to know that in my home I am loved and protected by a man who is strong and powerful enough to be in control. He'd need to be pretty strong and powerful to control someone like me
To date I have obviously picked the wrong kind of guys, e.g. my ex-husband could never have been in control of me, he was not capable, it would have most probably have been disastrous for us as a family if I had let him (e.g. he was an alcoholic) and actually he would not have dared anyhow. Andrew though poles apart from my ex, was made for the above sign, he was only the one in control because I let him be. That said we did play a lot of mind games based on control which I did enjoy, e.g he used to insist that I wear a butt plug or no knickers to work if I had misbehaved to remind me "who was the boss". But, the trouble was that I would go along with "his demands" to maintain the fiction of him being in control rather than because I was truly concerned about the consequences if I did not do as I was told. He tried set the "boundaries" for the relationship because I asked him to, but he did not enforce them, well not unless he was really angry with me. On a few occasions as I have recounted before he did actually spank me against my will for whatever transgression, and as he is 6'2" and about 22 stone he was easily able to overpower me and hold me down even when I was kicking and screaming and telling him no. The ironic thing is that these were of course the most erotic times for me, as I felt that even for a short while he would finally turn into a "real" man. The spankings at this time were often more painful too which made it better from that respect too. Unfortunately, as has been pointed out to me by my Raheretic, this was also the time when I was in real danger as it is not smart to allow someone who cannot control their temper to spank you.
What I really need is someone who does all this because he wants it, he sets the boundaries (OK really these are jointly negotiated as every relationship has two parties, but he of course gets the final say), he decides the consequences and carries them out, if necessary. As far as I can see, and understand from talking to other people, these consequences should not usually be necessary if I have a truly dominant man because I will not need to push at the boundaries to test and see if they are secure, I will just know that they are and of course secondly I will not dare as I will know I cannot escape the consequences! Of course there will always be the times when I act like a brat as we all have our off days but with real consequences they should not be too often. Given my masochistic side I would probably want to also get what some people term "good girl" spankings if I have been good or regular "submissive spankings" to remind me who is in charge just so that I do not feel the need to break the rules just to get spanked.
I do fantasise (and have nightmares) about having someone that I trust to give this level of control to. I'd have to trust that person implicitly to give up that control as I could not be happy nor safe and secure if I was not certain that I could trust them to have my best interests at heart. One thing that goes hand in hand with trust in this type of power exchange relationship is respect. This is what what missing in my relationship with Andrew, I trust him implicitly but I do not respect him in a lot of ways, e.g.he is disorganised, has absolutely no common sense, dresses like a tramp, has no practical skills, does not know how to behave in public and is constantly sarcastic particularly to my two older daughters who hate it. Without respect as well as trust there is no point in giving someone else control, especially when you know that you will not face any real consequences if you step out of line.
I suppose a lot of people thing that it is a bit "wimpy" or cowardly or shirking responsibility to want to give control to someone else. But despite and perhaps because I have not followed a traditional role up to now being more "masculine" in perspective being the major bread winner, being a rocket scientist not to mention single parent of 4 etc, etc I do have the traditional view of how it should be inside the home. The man is the boss and takes charge and the woman follows, yes she has a responsibility to speak up and give her opinion/share her experience, provided she does it in a proper manner, she is NOT a doormat but he gets to make the final decision. In addition to that I do find being the man and the woman, the mum and dad all the time is very tiring and I've had to do that through periods of stress that would have floored most people, I suppose I want the chance to relax and take back my traditional feminine role and be the caring, nurturing wife and mother. I know I'll still have to keep the masculine side at work, someone has to pay the bills, and to deal with the kids if they misbehave but the rest of the time I can be a "real" woman.
I suppose in short, damn the feminists, I want men to be allowed to be men without being required to deny their dominant natures and women to be women and allowed not to have to act like men.
Hil
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