As usual real life intervened somewhat as it has a tendency to do and thus the second part of our trip description has been a little delayed, sorry, here it is.
Conversely to the confusion that I have already mentioned that Andrew was suffering, for the first time in a long time I was awash with complete clarity, I could identify at last the "thing" which was missing from my life, the 'attentions' of a true dominant preferably also one who is also a sadist who likes to spank. In short I want to live in a relationship where my partner is the dominant male, where I can not 'top from the bottom' as the saying goes, I enjoy being submissive to a dominant male. If he also likes to spank me to the point where I can enter that blissful state of sub-space again then that would be heaven.
Unfortunately my elation was also becoming tinged with sadness as it was becoming clear that Andrew was not going to be able to be that person. The trouble is that I love Andrew dearly and I did not want to lose him.
Andrew and I talked many times over the next few days and he tried to convince me that he could be more dominant and would practice daily to learn to use the floggers and whips so he could give me "proper" intense spankings. However, I know him well and I was never really convinced that he could or would want to sacrifice the amount of time that he would need to truly become competent with the floggers and whips.
After a lot of soul searching and upset he finally admitted that not only was I right that he would prefer to spend that time on his beloved cars and films, but that he really hates to give me anything more than a little light spanking for fun. He admitted that he really hates inflicting pain on me and that he knows that the only times he has come close to really decent spankings have been when he was very angry with me and was venting his anger on me to some extent. He agreed that his BDSM fantasies are best left on the page or screen and not played out in real life. But, he of course said that he did not want to lose me as he also 'loves me to bits'.
We were both in shock having found at first glance a real show-stopper for our relationship. I was adamant that I could and would not give up the submissive masochist side of me now I had found it and admitted it to myself. Equally there was no way that Andrew was going to be able to provide the counterpoint to that for me.
Raheretic and I talked for along time around and around the subject, and he also recalled and paraphrased something once said to Swan many years ago which she has recounted here, this was basically that "she was a submissive woman, her husband was not a Dominant and one day she would leave her husband and go and find a Dominant". He strongly suspected that I would eventually feel the need to do the same as it was clear that I was never going to be happy in a relationship without a Dominant "of my own" and I was going to have to look elsewhere if I wanted to have that as Andrew was clearly not able to fulfil that role. The possibility of Andrew and I breaking up was not what any of us has envisaged happening during our visit, and the Clan were very distressed by the whole thing, me rushing off and crying in corners did not really help them at all either. I just could not bear the thought of losing Andrew, nor could I know accept that I could not satisfy the submissive-masochist part of me which has been craving attention for so long.
Raheretic and I talked for hours as we made the long drive from the top of Ohio to the bottom, via a very nice Cracker Barrel lunch and a shop in one of the wonderful outlet malls, and he counselled me with very many kind and wise words. He really is a very nice sadist, I promise you! He did, of course, point out one potential solution to my dilemma, polyamory. Before meeting the Clan it would never have occurred to me that I could have both Andrew and a dominant sadist in my life.
However, having spent a week with Raheretic, Swan and T I had a new perspective on life, I had seen first hand what a successful polyamorous relationship could be like. Swan has captured this so well in her post here, and I have seen what a strong family they are, their relationship works so well and it works because they work at it. Perhaps because the dynamics of a polyamorous relationship are so much more complex than a more usual one it is necessary to work at it much more to make it successful, but it also seems that the return from that investment is multiplied many times over, to the power three rather than two.
Looking critically at my relationship with Andrew reflected in the eyes of these three very kind, good and lovely people has enabled me to see some real, mostly unpleasant, home truths about myself. I have spent such a lot of effort to "force" Andrew to fit in the "dominant sadist" box, naturally failing miserably. I have then despised him for his failure to fit. Andrew has tried himself to get into this box, desperate to please me and has been "rewarded" by my mockery of his efforts and his own guilt about failing. This has made us both very unhappy, as I have been in the driving seat in all this I must take the majority of the blame.
So, to cut the rest of the long story short as there were many more hours of discussion, much soul searching, plenty of tears, harsh words, shouting and the like before we reached the end, Andrew has graciously agreed to stay with me and to allow me to follow my crazy dream of finding a second partner who is a Dominant Sadist to fulfil that missing part of my life and spank my backside. I I do find one then we will try to live as a polyamorous triad with me as the pivot point. This is clearly not a simple solution and has required a lot of thought to decide to give it a whirl, I particularly am going to have to put in a great deal of effort to make it work, maybe I will not succeed but I know that I have to try.
Andrew can now stop trying to be what he is not and I can truly appreciate what he does have and not only see what he does not. Andrew has so very many good points which I often ignored in my quest to make him into the "perfect" man. I hope now I can make him happy and not miserable and defensive all the time.
I cannot believe that I am so blessed to have such a man in my life, I do not deserve the deep level of love and commitment that he has shown me, thank you Darling, I will do my best to not disappoint you.
Hil
1 comment:
Very interesting.
I've linked to you for a long time, but I must confess that I have not been reading your blog with any regularity. Now I regret that, because you have been on a fascinating journey of discovery.
If I try to put a finger on the reason I was not very engaged in the past, it may be the sensation that you were in some way being dishonest, particularly with yourself. You described yourself in this post as 'topping from the bottom' and I think that sums it up. Now we know why you were doing it, and that's a fascinating discovery.
I have masochistic tendencies, but I am not a true masochist. Nevertheless, my needs and desries are strong enough that I can definitely relate to your feeling that having FINALLY figured out what you are and what you want, you aren't willing to go without it, cost what it may. I applaud you and Andrew for making such a huge effort to essentially have your cake and eat it too. You are both wise to recognize that you'll never succeed in changing your own or the other's true nature.
I look forward to seeing how it all unfolds.
Sincerely,
Constance
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