Following on to the last post, in addition to the stress of my daughter's accident and operation and the usual cycle of Andrew's coming and going and the sense of abandonment and general grumpiness that I feel, something else both confusing and wonderful has also been unfolding. Andrew and I have been struggling with our respective roles as HoH and sub as those of you who read here regularly will know. In fact it is a theme in many other DD blogs too, the "unfairness" of it all - when I screw up I get spanked, when he does, nothing happens.
Despite of course having agreed to this lifestyle, having asked him for it in fact, and despite the many benefits which I know it brings, I continue to struggle with this aspect. I have on a number of occasions refused to "acknowledge" him as my HoH, the one who has the power to decide the rules and when, why and if I get spanked. He has usually at the time of such outbursts, spanked me anyway, with me fighting him tooth and nail, but has always felt extremely uncomfortable because of the ease with which he can overpower me because of his superior size and weight, using them against me and feeling more like an abusive husband rather than my loving, caring and lovingly correcting partner. In short, sometimes he was starting to feel that he was only the HoH when I said so, the classic "topping from the bottom" syndrome and to question if he 'really has what it takes to keep this control freak under proper control and prevent her from torpedo-ing the relationship as she rather tends to do'.
I have for some time read with interest the blog from The Heron Clan, having first found it from Finding Sara in relation to a 'debate' Sara was having with Rahereticsswan about "DD vs BDSM". The friendliness and the respect which was shown by both ladies, one on each side of the "potentially rather heated" argument surprised and delighted me and encouraged me to read some of the other posts on the site.
The warmth and humour, not to mention the sheer down-to-earth-edness of Rahereticsswan's writing drew me in further, not to mention I was, of course, somewhat curious about such an "unusual" lifestyle and wanted to read more. It is such a nice mix of things, politics, spanking, recipes, maths, more spanking etc. Naturally I recommended it to Andrew and he, as a writer, was so impressed with the "naturalness" of it all he contacted the clan to tell them so.
All I can say after a number of chats and a lot of laughs, is that Raheretic is the nicest sadist I have ever met, actually I have never met one before, well not knowingly at least, so truthfully I have no-one to compare him with, I'm sure they must all be like this! Rahereticsswan and Rahereticssly are equally as lovely with wicked senses of humour and some great practical tips. In short, they are so refreshingly "normal" and have really showed me in particular what it is like when you are comfortable respecting and accepting yourself, as you are, warts, spanking and all.
They have also been most kind to give us a lot of advice, well perhaps that is not the right word as they have emphatically not "told" us what to do, instead they have talked and shared with us and asked us challenging questions to make us think.
Suffice it to say that in only a few short weeks we have moved further along in our relationship and DD life than we have gone in the previous few months since we started on our DD journey. Andrew has really, and I mean really, discovered that he truly has a Dominant nature. I should be scared as he is really now taking charge and being much more strict with me, really enforcing the rules, not halfheartedly doing so, and more spankings are clearly looming, but actually I am calm and happy. I am no longer in charge and the submissive part of me, the one who wants to be looked after, the one who desperately wants to cede control, that part which has been hidden for so long is creeping out slowly. At the moment this skin that I am inhabiting seems a little alien, but the more I try it on for size, the better it feels and the more at peace I feel.
Who'd have thought it and all from an innocent click to a Swan's blog. Maybe this ugly duckling could learn to turn into a swan too.
Thank you Clan Heron, I so look forward to getting to know you better.
Hil
3 comments:
Awwwww, shucks! You really are too kind. Congratulatins on your growth and progress. We are excited about the prospect of meeting you both and looking forward to getting to know you much better.
swan
Hil,
That is awesome! I am so happy for you. I can only imagine the release of being able to lay your battle armor down and the sense of self and purpose that Andrew derives from all of this. Yaayyyy!!!!!
The Heron clan is one of my favorite blogs. Is it a lifestyle I could pursue? Probably not but you are right, they are some of the nicest most genuine people you can read about. How truly wonderful it is that you found them and they could sweep back the clouds and make it all clearer. The joy of blogs, meeting people who can help you when you least expect it.
Good for you,
K
Hil, I am so glad to hear all this! I was also originally pulled into reading The Heron Clan by the honesty, the humor and Swan's fine writing. I really enjoyed and learned from our dialogue. Having friends within the lifestyle (whatever that is) has made a real difference in our DD journey. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, you know? I am so glad you found that support! Congrats on the progress too. It must feel like such a relief!
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