Well after part 1 you would, by now, probably be thinking that me finding a fantastic man was a lovely end to a long and difficult story, but sadly this was not to be the case and this was solely my fault.
In this new partnership, as was the case in my marriage I still held on firmly, obsessively even, to the balance of power. Although my partner has an excellent reputation in his profession, it is not very well paid and I thus earn several times what my partner makes. I also have the kids, house and rest of the 'trappings of wealth' whilst he has very little to his name, other than a lot of rather old and awful cars and suits (sorry Darling!). Due to issues in his own past, he is also not a particularly strong or self-confident person and is gentle by nature I thus exploited him mercilessly. Having held the role of HoH for so I was not able, nor it seems willing to surrender this familiar role, despite the fact that what I knew I both wanted, and desperately needed, was a strong, dominant husband to take care of me. I wanted, desperately wanted, to relinquish the HoH role, which, in fact, I should never have had in the first place, and submit fully to his authority.
What we clearly needed was a way to redress the balance of power in our relationship, whilst I still thought I should retain the "HOH" roll for my children, I obviously needed to submit totally to him in our relationship, to let him take care of me. But the way that I was treating him, was often totally insulting and disrespectful, sort of constantly challenging him to take the dominant HOH role, whilst ensuring that he never got the chance to do so, due to my 'vitriolic' nature and his reluctance to fight back in case he upset me. As there were no consequences for me for this appalling and destructive behaviour, I continued to repeat it ad infinitum. He loved me so much he was prepared to put up with my behaviour because he did not want to leave me. I knew that this was not the way I wanted our life to be, I so despised myself for behaving in that way, but just seemed unable to stop. I was destroying our relationship, and I realised that I would do anything to make sure that we stayed together. This time, for the first time in my life, I did not just want to be with him because I was afraid of the alternative, being alone, I wanted to be with him. I knew I did not deserve such a wonderful man and I hated myself so much for behaving in this way but I just could not find a way to put on my 'brakes', everything just seemed so dark and depressing.
Then, we read the blogs on DD which I mentioned in part 1 of this introduction and it seemed as if the lights were switched back on, on full beam! The more I read about these strong, capable, highly intelligent women the more I realised that it was if they were describing me. The experience was overwhelming and somewhat scary, it seemed as if these women could read my mind. But, here in a most unlikely guise, for a seemingly dominant woman like myself, was the solution to all our problems, an ideal way for my partner to become my HOH and to take "proper charge of me". A way that ensures that I am forced to relinquish the HOH role, and submit, giving my partner both the space to take up that role and grow into it, and the tools to maintain it. I was going to have to suffer real consequences if I stepped out of line and broke any of the rules which we would jointly agree upon, and I would have to learn to submit, fully, to him.
DD finally makes me step on those brakes, both for my sake and his.
In this new partnership, as was the case in my marriage I still held on firmly, obsessively even, to the balance of power. Although my partner has an excellent reputation in his profession, it is not very well paid and I thus earn several times what my partner makes. I also have the kids, house and rest of the 'trappings of wealth' whilst he has very little to his name, other than a lot of rather old and awful cars and suits (sorry Darling!). Due to issues in his own past, he is also not a particularly strong or self-confident person and is gentle by nature I thus exploited him mercilessly. Having held the role of HoH for so I was not able, nor it seems willing to surrender this familiar role, despite the fact that what I knew I both wanted, and desperately needed, was a strong, dominant husband to take care of me. I wanted, desperately wanted, to relinquish the HoH role, which, in fact, I should never have had in the first place, and submit fully to his authority.
What we clearly needed was a way to redress the balance of power in our relationship, whilst I still thought I should retain the "HOH" roll for my children, I obviously needed to submit totally to him in our relationship, to let him take care of me. But the way that I was treating him, was often totally insulting and disrespectful, sort of constantly challenging him to take the dominant HOH role, whilst ensuring that he never got the chance to do so, due to my 'vitriolic' nature and his reluctance to fight back in case he upset me. As there were no consequences for me for this appalling and destructive behaviour, I continued to repeat it ad infinitum. He loved me so much he was prepared to put up with my behaviour because he did not want to leave me. I knew that this was not the way I wanted our life to be, I so despised myself for behaving in that way, but just seemed unable to stop. I was destroying our relationship, and I realised that I would do anything to make sure that we stayed together. This time, for the first time in my life, I did not just want to be with him because I was afraid of the alternative, being alone, I wanted to be with him. I knew I did not deserve such a wonderful man and I hated myself so much for behaving in this way but I just could not find a way to put on my 'brakes', everything just seemed so dark and depressing.
Then, we read the blogs on DD which I mentioned in part 1 of this introduction and it seemed as if the lights were switched back on, on full beam! The more I read about these strong, capable, highly intelligent women the more I realised that it was if they were describing me. The experience was overwhelming and somewhat scary, it seemed as if these women could read my mind. But, here in a most unlikely guise, for a seemingly dominant woman like myself, was the solution to all our problems, an ideal way for my partner to become my HOH and to take "proper charge of me". A way that ensures that I am forced to relinquish the HOH role, and submit, giving my partner both the space to take up that role and grow into it, and the tools to maintain it. I was going to have to suffer real consequences if I stepped out of line and broke any of the rules which we would jointly agree upon, and I would have to learn to submit, fully, to him.
DD finally makes me step on those brakes, both for my sake and his.
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