Stress

OK the situation at my place is as follows, I currently have my ex-husband, his new partner, my partner and all my kids at home. My ex and I have been separated for 5 years and divorced for 2 1/2. Our breakup was extremely complicated and suffice it to say that the circumstances that surrounded it were extremely stressful to the extent that coping with all these issues (many of which are ongoing) still necessitates a weekly visit for me to a psychiatrist who is helping me work through them. Without going into the gory details I can say that one of the least of the problems was my ex's alcoholism, and as such you can perhaps understand that the other problems are obviously at a rather major level.

Due to these issues the children have only had limited contact with their father since our separation and I have continued to shield them as much as I can from the ongoing problems. However at the beginning of last year my ex's behaviour deteriorated to the point that I had to stop them seeing him completely. This was obviously very distressing for both him and them. Despite what has happened all of the kids wanted very much to see their father again and thus after the intervention and support from a number of professional organisations we managed to reach a sort of compromise situation where they could see him for short, accompanied visits.

To cut a long story short, in the last few months he has both seen the error of his ways and has met a lovely new woman and things have improved to the point where I felt prepared to have him visit the children at home. This means that they can spend some lengthy quality time with him and meet his new partner too.

I have been absolutely dreading this visit, partly because it means having the man who caused me so much hurt in my home again and partly because it also means having a 'stranger' in my house too. Well that and the fact that the kids are all home from school with the "normal" chaos that usually involves. Oh and did I mention that the ex is fitting a new kitchen (in return for me paying for their airfares here) which means that the contents of the old kitchen currently reside in the dining room so meals (take aways) are taken in the living room and everywhere is in total chaos and covered in sawdust or plaster dust. Aaahhh, men in white coats come and take me away now.

The "trouble" is that it has been absolutely fine, my ex has behaved impeccably, his new partner is absolutely lovely and we get on like a house on fire. Not to mention that she likes the kids, the kids like her and she has common sense in spades and has helped me with the cooking, washing and cleaning. I feel so stressed because I am not stressed if that makes any sense at all, which it probably doesn't.

This stress has been simmering below the surface over the last week and I know it has been colouring the previous maintenance sessions that I have already written about. I have felt like a kettle just below boiling point, gently steaming away but not relieving the pressure and tension of this pent up stress. The only place I have been able to find an outlet for the stress is by 'working it all out' on Andrew. Yes I have been awful to my HoH, snappy, critical and disrespectful and he is becoming seriously fed up with my behaviour and I can't say I blame him.

The trouble is because he is too nice I have been "getting away with blue murder" because he is being really lenient with me, because of the situation. Thus I have been such a brat, trying to provoke him, I suppose, into giving me the stress relief spankings I need but just cannot bring myself to ask for. I am so disappointed in myself for doing this but I find it so hard to ask him to spank me especially as he is already doing that enough just for maintenance.

I do hope that he reads this and lets me have it!

Hil