I'm Still Standing after all these years!!

Or is that lying or kneeling!  Have been toying with the idea of reviving my blog for a bit to record a bit more of the craziness that is my life.

Still have the four kids but they are growing up fast, youngest is no longer a baby he'll be a teenager soon and the oldest is now early twenties but not yet flown the nest, don't think either of us is ready for her to do that yet, phew.  Juggling houses and responsibilities in two different countries is really hard work, even if you do rack up the air miles. I never seem to keep up with the washing in either of them and the clothes I decide to wear always seem to be in the "other" house, damn it.

On the kink side I'm still vary happily the masochistic submissive of Master David, who is the Master of my dreams.  We've been together more than 5 years now and still the sound of his voice in "Dom mode", sure my fellow subs know exactly what I mean by that, makes me go weak at the knees.

He has taken me to places in my submission and in play which I thought I'd never go, no not me I'm a GOOG girl I am, honest, good girls don't do THAT!  And, if I may start a sentence so ungrammatically correctly, he's given me the confidence to be the real me and not feel bad or ashamed by it. I can admit to being a screaming masochist who is majorly turned on by pain, who can orgasm from pain alone (who even knew that one was possible!) and scream loudly from doing so never hearing a shhhhh just a 'good girl'. No need to fake misdemeanours here just to get my fix and press my reset button with the cane, now I can just hand him the cane and ask nicely and mostly he will give me a good beating to push my reset button good and proper.  Unless he's being majorly sadistic and says no which of course just makes me more annoyed and horny which he enjoys a lot too so no losers there. 

He's there in vanilla life too for when things go wrong with the kids or the car or the grass needs cutting. When I feel I just can't cope with yet another complex twist to my already stressful life he stands beside me telling me "yes you can".

Right off to medicate the damn cystitis I got from the last good session of sex and general naughtiness a couple of days ago, into every sunshine day a little rain must fall.

Good night pervy friends.

What can a Mascochist say ...

... to her 15 year old daughter who has explained that when she gets stressed she self-harms?

Haven't posted in a while but thought I'd write this in the hope that some of my old blog readers might have some idea about what to say or do.

My middle daughter is having some serious problems at the moment with self -esteem and her boyfriend's drug problem and she has confessed to me that she has used a razor to cut herself as it helps her to cope with the "pain" of all that stress. She is the one with ADHD so already has a lot to cope with in addition to all the s**t to do with her father.

I was, to put it mildly, horrified, my "baby" is self-harming. Of course I went into overdrive telling her that this is not a good thing and can be dangerous and that she needs to talk to someone about it, get some serious help, but all the time I was feeling hypocritical. How can I get angry with her for doing something "so stupid/dangerous" when I use pain in the same way. For me getting spanked/tortured etc is the only time when I am able to "tune out" the major stress in my life and to "turn off" my brain, or at least to slow it down to a level that I can cope with. Why shouldn't she "need" something similar?

What should I do, other than getting her a therapist pdq (pretty damn quick) that is? Anyone had any experience of this, I am out of my depth here?

Thanks

Hil

The End, or is it the Beginning ...

Hello All

Apologies to those who used to read me before, I've been away a long while. I'd like to claim that it is because work is hectic, which it is, or that the kids are hectic, which indeed they are, but the truth is that the real reason I have been away is that I have felt that I did not really have anything worthwhile to say.

This blog was all about the search to find myself, well that is not how it started (as those who have read it over the last year know), but it was what it fast turned in to, starting with domestic discipline, moving through to BDSM and latterly my coming to terms with understanding and accepting myself as I am, a masochist and submissive.

And I suppose in a mad kind of way I have not felt the need to blog any more because I seem finally to have found myself, and accepted me, warts and all and rather than write about it all I would rather actually live it.

I mentioned this to Andrew, who has been true to his word and has stayed in touch to continue to act as a male role model to my children, and he suggested that I really ought to "round off" the blog rather than leave it hanging so this is my attempt to do so. I am not saying that I will never write anything more here, but for now I do not plan to.

As to the actually living it bit, as I hinted before Christmas, but did not elaborate upon out of deference to Andrew's feelings (but as he has found someone new I think it is OK to "publish" this information) I have found my Dominant Sadist, the man I now call Master (well I do some of the time, the rest of the time I call him Dave!).

Over the last year I have "wasted" a considerable amount of time endlessly questioning, analysing and agonising over this "weird, kinky lunatic" side of me which has emerged from the deep. The submissive, masochist who "loves" to be controlled and spanked and needs pain. Well Dave has been instrumental in helping me to move past the "requirements analysis phase" into the "implementation phase" or is that "routine operation phase" proper, and to finally really accept this part of me, to stop fighting it and to just get on with living it.

I need the dynamic of having someone else in control, to tell me what to do, I do not understand why, I just do. For instance, why I cannot be "good" to myself, exercise regularly and not eat chocolate I do not know, but the truth is, I cannot, I have some need to "punish" myself for some unknown reason by not doing things I enjoy, like running, or doing things that are actively bad for me, like eating sugary stuff. But , when Dave tells me that I am to exercise regularly and not to eat chocolate, I do it. I am not saying it isn't hard, especially when you are a serious chocoholic, but it just works. If he sets the rules I can follow them, punkt (as they say here), full stop!

When I did fail recently, and, after a stressful day fighting my mother's computer gave in to my sugar cravings and ate a couple of biscuits and an After Eight or two, I was so upset, not as I was frightened about what he might "do", because I knew he would not be angry, but rather would be disappointed in me and I would prefer to 'cut off my right arm' rather than have him disappointed or displeased with me.

My mother was telling me recently that even as a small child I was always spending my pocket money to buy presents for other people and that (having just bought my sister a computer) it seems that I had not lost this habit. I told her that this was because I have always had this really deep seated need to please, to make people happy, even if it makes me unhappy, even deeply unhappy.

I still clearly have this need and doing things to make Dave happy makes me happy (even when it hurts or I don't like it) whether it is running, eschewing all forms of chocolate, being flogged or caned or making him a coffee, if he is pleased with me then I am in seventh heaven. In fact I'd do anything just to hear him say, "good girl". Yet if anyone else said those two words to me I'd bite the head off the patronising git!

I also need pain. Pain is my way of tuning out life and de-stressing. Why? Again I don't know, it just is and now I have accepted that it does not matter.

With Andrew I would often break the rules and misbehave to make him spank me, to give me that "bit". He did not like the inflicting of pain at all. With Dave, he spanks me because he likes to spank and because he knows I need it (and like it too, well some of the time as long as he does not use that damned loopy johnny from Leatherthorn paddles, how I hate/love that thing!). He also enjoys other forms of inflicting pain, and so I am also learning to enjoy the delicious art of sexual torture too.

It is strange mixing spanking and sex, I have always, perhaps artificially kept them separate, spanking being for discipline not for fun. But I am learning that they can mix, and mix quite well!

I have always felt extremely inadequate in the bedroom, mostly because for more than 10 years I was married to someone who firstly knew nothing about sex and secondly refused to talk about the subject as he found it embarrassing, unless of course he was drunk and was thus incapable. Being a submissive at heart made it extremely uncomfortable for me to talk to him about what he would like me to do or what I'd like him to do so I suffered in silence. With Andrew things were also a bit difficult because he did not really enjoy me pleasuring him and did not like to give me feedback on how I was doing so I became firmly convinced that I was unable to pleasure a man in bed. This did not really sit well with someone who has a high sex-drive as I do and I always seemed to feel dissatisfied.

Being with Dave has changed this completely, I know I'll not ever be really self-confident behind closed doors (or maybe open ones if that is what he wants) but my confidence really has increased. He has directed me from the start about what he likes, what I am to do and how I am to behave. Sure I can be creative and use my imagination but he sets down the ground rules and I operate within their boundaries. I have not had this much fun ever, even when I'm not allowed to play it is fun!

On a final note, and an unexpected one, this acceptance of me has had some interesting consequences on the work front. Dave asked me once, early on, if I found it difficult and tiring "Dom-ing" at work as this was clearly something that should make me uncomfortable.

Initially I thought, 'no of course not', but after some serious thought about the subject I realise that he was right. It takes serious mental effort to step out of my natural position and "Dom", and it makes me very tired, both emotionally and physically. I always used to blame myself for being inadequate or stupid when I could not "handle" something which I felt that I "should" be able to which just made the situation worse. Now I realise that this was just because my reactions were more sub-based than I realised. Well, now I know this I can devise strategies to cope with these situations. When you work in such a testosterone fuelled industry as I do these are inevitable and having some way of handling them is really useful and stopping beating myself up for being useless also makes a big difference. Positive energy is always better than negative.

So that is it, the end. It has taken a year or so but finally I have actually found what is actually the beginning of the path which I want to follow, the one that feels most "me". Sure there will be many bumps along the way, but this "me" feels much more able to meet these challenges head on.

Thanks for reading. I'll always answer e-mails.

Hil
xxx

Where have I been?

You might well ask, I know my posting is often erratic, but it has been more than two weeks. No, it is not just that my (now advanced) age is showing and I am losing my marbles, at least I hope not!

The truth of the matter is that life has been more hectic than usual on work and home fronts. At work there have been three of my colleagues off sick or on holiday and me needing to cover for them and there is the usual year end panic to spend the last remaining budget that we have and the paperwork that is needed to achieve that.

On the home front, well there have been a number of family birthdays (7 out of my 8 immediate family members have their birthdays between mid October and Christmas), the fact that my mother has been ill for a while and last if not least it is of course also 'the season to be jolly', or not in my case as I find Christmas really stressful and upsetting. More so as we will be spending it in the Motherland so have needed to organise accommodation and flights for us all.

Christmas used to be a magical time for me when I was a kid, I loved it. But now it always seems to make me feel a total failure, everyone around me seems to be playing happy families and my kids cannot. So of course I try to make everything perfect and spoil them ridiculously to make up for this "failure of mine" and then feel exhausted, exploited and taken for granted. Maybe Scrooge was onto something.

On the BDSM front things are looking up a bit, I won't go into details for now, but what I can say is that I am both learning a lot about myself and enjoying it greatly. It is allowing me to release inhibitions that have been with me forever and that is a really good thing.

Hope that the run up to Christmas is smooth going for you all. I hope to post again before Christmas, but please do not hold your collective breaths.

Hil

One year older ...

... and not a bit wiser or sensible!

But hey, I am enjoying all of that irresponsibility.

Life is mostly calm, only 2 out of 3 daughters have broken up with their boyfriends (OK then one boyfriend reconsidered and now they are all loved dovey again)! But despite these "disasters" all three of them remembered to call me to wish me a Happy Birthday, and on the actual day and I did not have to remind them, yippee.

I had a great meal out yesterday with friends (only one piece of cake was eaten, but it was my birthday!) and my house is now filled with some gorgeous flowers and some fantastic red vases which match my new kitchen perfectly.

I have been working hard on positive reinforcement to start dealing with my issues around my appearance. It is coming together slowly, but then the damage was done over a number of years so it will take a while to reprogramme.

However, I have saved the best news for last, I have after a break of far too many months, started running again (so far runs of 2.5km, 1.6km, 2.5km, 3.2km and 5km in the last week or so). This is thanks to some serious inspiration or was that incentives provided by a new Dom friend (you know who you are - thank you) and have also started back at the gym. So life is really feeling much better, the endorphin rush I get from exercise is almost, but not quite as good as the one from a serious spanking session! That said I'd take a good spanking over a run any time!!

Hil