I called this blog "DD sans Frontières" to reflect the fact that because of our work commitments Andrew and I spend a lot of our time living in different countries. I have lived and worked here in mainland Europe for more than a dozen years (although I am from the UK) and since we have got together he has flitted between here and the UK depending on his work requirements. Thus, after a couple of weeks together he has just left to go back to the UK and I already feel upset.
My last post recorded the stresses (and spankings) of the last couple of weeks and due to my awful behaviour he had warned me that if I earned myself just one more punishment spanking then he would once again up the maintenance sessions from 3 to 4. Despite my best efforts to behave and his best efforts at our maintenance spankings as the time came closer to him leaving I could feel myself becoming more and more angry because he was going to, please forgive the melodrama, “leave me all alone”, so of course finally I just lost it and had a real go at him in front of the kids. This I should not do as it is hard enough for him to be a step parent to my children (who are naturally as intelligent, opinionated and stubborn as their mother) at the best of times, and even more so when I undermine his limited authority by shouting at him in front of them.
I have noticed that when he goes away or is away that I seem to try to pick fights with him as I feel bad, I feel abandoned and I want him to be “sorry” that he is “doing” this to me. These feelings just do not make sense to me at all though and I find it rather scary to find I rely on someone else so much. Why should I feel this way now as I am used to being alone, even when I was married I felt alone as I had to shoulder so much responsibility without any help and when I separated then divorced I spent several years alone working full time, running the household and looking after my kids single handedly. So why when he leaves do I start to unravel? It is not that I miss him doing the practical stuff around the house as I do most of that anyway, it is not that I am afraid of being alone per se, so why am I so upset? The only way that I can seem to explain it at all is that I am so scared of not receiving my regular maintenance spankings because they stop me slipping back into my old destructive ways (which nearly split us up), they remind me of who is in charge (yes it is not me!) and most important of all they show me how much he loves and cherishes me.
For us, as well as many of the other DD bloggers, these maintenance sessions are a great place for us to be totally connected, away from the stresses and strains of juggling family and work commitments, just to be alone and be us. Communication is absolutely paramount in a DD relationship as anyone who lives this “peculiar” lifestyle will know and this is also a time when we make time to communicate with each other, mostly he talks and I listen, but that is OK. If I have anything important to say then I often tell him this while OTK for a maintenance session, I know he is totally focussed on me and my needs and he will pay full attention to what I say when I am lying in that position of total and utter submission. It is also a place where I feel totally calm, safe, protected and loved (perhaps this is my inner child coming to the fore) even when I am lying there with a scarlet, throbbing backside. In fact sometimes I ask to lie in this position when we are alone and I am not due for maintenance/punishment as it does make me feel calm. I am going to miss this for the next few weeks.
Perhaps I should not be whinging about not getting my maintenance sessions, especially as you will have guessed my last little temper tantrum earned me a spanking plus the threatened additional weekly maintenance session. I would like to claim that I have no idea how I managed to go from being a “good girl” with a modest 2 sessions per week to a serious “brat” with 4/week but of course I do know exactly how I achieved that!! Thus, in reality I will manage to escape from a total of 12 spankings as he is away for the next 3 weeks, but I am not relieved by that at all, instead it makes me feel totally devastated. To cap it all, he said to me before he left that it will be a real pity that when he returns he will have to spend a lot of his time taking down my knickers to spank me, instead of removing them for other more pleasurable activities. I have to say that this did make me feel exceedingly guilty because it is my behaviour has caused him to have to “waste” his time in this way. Grrrrr, why do I do it?
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