Life, the Universe and Everything ...

I am a great fan of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and I am fast approaching the age which is the Ultimate Answer to the Question of "Life, the Universe and Everything".

So, I have been seeing if I can come up with my own answer to that question, I mean if a bunch of mice can manage it surely I can too. What does Life, the Universe and Everything mean for me?

In the past I would have found it so easy to answer the above question:

Life, the Universe and Everything = my children

And even now of course they are clearly the most important part of it, indeed life revolves around them (as does the Universe and Everything, at least as far as they, themselves are concerned!). Now instead of having removed myself completely from that equation I would now probably say it was something like this:

Life, the Universe and Everything = my children + me

Sure, most of what I have done and will continue to do, at least for the next few years until they complete university and leave the nest (please God!) involves making sure that they are happy, have the best start possible in life, a good education and a loving home (open 24/7, all mod cons and maid service available naturally, ha!). But in addition to all that I have been starting to think about what I want, for me, both in this transition phase while they are still growing and in the long term.

The path I have been following since the revelations of the summer has been quite rocky, I've had to face up to, my "darker" side, to the impact that the needs of this newly understood side has had on those close to me and to the challenges of actually allowing myself to admit to these needs.

Why is that a challenge, well I have spent the last 20 or so years doing things for everyone else (kids, partners, ex-husband, my family, his family, friends etc) and putting myself last in the list and it feels a bit weird to "see" my name so near the top of that same list now and not to associate this with any feelings of guilt. It is hard to explain why I used to feel guilty about doing things for myself, but I did, I suppose it was wrapped up in my total lack of self-confidence and self-worth, I was so awful that I did not deserve to do anything good for me so that if I did then I felt guilty. Stupid really, but that was really how I felt.

However, I do not feel like that now, I will always put my children, at least while they are still children, first, but now I come a close second!

Now I am happy and comfortable to be me, I have accepted who I am, warts and all and I am at peace with that. Even though I now understand what, or actually who, it is I need and I have written a number of posts over the last few months explaining this, I realise that (at least at the moment) I can actually live with the distinct probability that I will not find him. I think I can actually be happy just to be me and to LIKE being me.

Liking myself is such a weird feeling, I could really get used to it!

So perhaps 42 (years) is after all the answer, the answer to when one understands "Life, the Universe and Everything".

So long and thanks for all the FISH (Freindship In the Syber Hemispere!)

Hil

P.S. OK it's cyber but it didn't fit, call it artistic license!

P.P.S I'm not leaving either, I'll be back soon.