I'm back ...

Dear All

Well I am back after a weeks holiday, plus another week not being able to blog due to a) much washing to get kids ready to go back to school, b) the usual 3 million work e-mails to answer and c) too much time spent over my partners knee being spanked due to my awful behaviour.

As we were on holiday staying with friends and family most of whom do not yet know about our DD lifestyle I was so concrned about the "noise polution" from the twice weekly maintenance sessions so that I could not get the real benefit of the spankings. This was not due to my patner's reluctance in this area as he was more than ready to give me what he knows I need, it was more due to my embarrassment as I was acutely aware of the sound of every swat and thus ended up the sessions more stressed than at the beginning.

This stress led me to behave really awfully to him on a number of occasions, the last one of which resulted in a punnishment spanking being "awarded", in fact by the time he did this he was so cross with me that he made me stop the car so he could look for a place to administer it immediately. Luckily for me around the M25 there are few suitable places and so he had to wait until we returned back to where we were staying.

That evening as he was about to administer said punnishment, despite the fact that I was clearly on dodgy ground I decided to push the boat out a little as I was already in trouble (or maybe it was the full moon as Sara - from Finding Sara - says) and told my HoH that he would do that "over my dead body" as I was not prepared to risk the resulting noise and buried my head in the pillow to go to sleep. He of course was not taking any of that nonsense and as I had stupidly lain face down on the bed, he proceded to forceably remove my knickers and give me a spanking anyway. I was not best pleased as you may imagine but by then it was too late.

Once we were back at home things should have improved but alas they did not, I could blame it on PMS but really should not and after a couple more unpleasant days with me being generally unpleasant, my HoH announced that he was increasing the maintenance sessions to three times a week and that I was going to get another punnishment session that evening.

A lot of my frustration was stemming from the fact that my dear HoH is somewhat domestically challenged, when intelligence was being handed out he was clearly at the front of the queue but with common sense he was either at the back of the queue or forgot to turn up entirely!

Well this drives me insane and I feel that when he does not behave like an HoH I do not see why I should submit to a spanking, this led to a flurry of email exchanges as I was at work and was not going to talk about this over the phone nor was I about to let him administer any kind of spanking so I lost no time telling him this.

My HoH wrote the following which I quote as it is so lovely:

"It is not your role to state whether or not you are willing to receive the discipline of your HOH, for that immediately places you in the driving seat. It will always be the case that I can & will discipline you whenever I decree it and that you will accept this. Even if you do not, discipline will always be administered.

I will always listen to reasoned arguments unless this comes perilously close to bratting.

By submitting to my dominant role as the HOH, you will benefit from your submission. I do this in order to show that you are loved and cherished as no other woman has ever been - or will ever be.

So, when you return tonight, as soon is practical, you will strip to your knickers and stand in the corner in the punishment position. You will do this because I order it, because it is the right thing to do - and because I love you."

Annoyingly the damn man was right, it is not for me to decide if I get spanked or not, I gave up that right when I asked him to agree to live a DD lifestyle as this was what I wanted and needed.

But even so I was still not happy and was struggling to explain why, I first pointed him to Vivian's post http://disciplinedfeminist.blogspot.com/2008/02/resistance-blame-and-responsibility.html as she so acurately, as always, puts into words a good explanation for part of how I was feeling but not the whole, for the rest I tried to expand on my feelings thus.

"In addition to what Vivian describes there is a major difference for our situation which causes me even more problems, in that you often do not act as a 'typical' HoH which does not seem to be the case for Viv or Sara who both seem to have strong dominant men as their partners. Yes I have problems with the injustices of it all, I get to be spanked for my misdeeds (which I agree recently have been many and various) and you get to carry on with the non-HoH behaviour yet have no consequences.

I know that in a DD relationship it is not about fairness, Sara has a good article about this see her article entitled 'When DD is not fair' (http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/02/11/when-dd-is-not-fair/) but it is so hard to submit even given her very valid argument when I see you behaving in a way that if I did I would get spanked.

I believe part of your HoH responsibility is NOT to behave in such a way (this is one way DD is not fair the other way round - I can behave like a spoiled brat while you cannot), and when you do this it winds me up greatly and then I lose control and usually my temper too.

I know that when I finally submit to what is coming to me I will benefit, but that does not make it easier on an intellectual level to submit. For me there are 3 parts to submission - physical, emotional and intellectual and I need all three in harmony for it to work.

• Physical submission is about taking the pain of a spanking and not resisting.
• Emotional submission is about accepting the reason(s) for the spanking whether maintenance/punishment/disobedience and accepting the need for the correction of my behaviour
• Intellectual submission is about fighting the inner battle between my wish to submit and my natural tendency to keep in control, no matter what even if I miss out on the emotional benefits.

It is the intellectual side which gives me the most trouble when I see you not behaving as my HoH as I cannot force myself to accept to submit to someone who behaves as badly as I do, I need you to be "better" than me, when you are not I can submit physically to a maintenance/punishment session, I can admit emotionally why I need one but I cannot reconcile the intellectual issues.

I know I am not explaining this well but it is so hard to do when I am so angry, angry at you for not being what I need and more angry at myself that I cannot "ignore your failures" as I should and behave properly, instead I know that as you continue your non HoH behaviour I escalate my failures and my behaviour gets worse."

So there it is I had put my feelings into some rather confused words, I am not sure if they make sense or not and I am sure that my HoH is right that I chose to submit to him and allow him to discipline me when HE thinks I need it and not when I do, but, and it is a big but, I find it so hard to do in the above circumstances.

So I got home in the evening and once the kids were in bed we retired to the bedroom to talk, well I expected to talk and he expected to spank. I having learned my lesson from the last time he tried to spank me against my will, lay carefully on my back on the bed and refused to comply. Completely to my surprise and even though I was fighting tooth and nail, the turned me over onto my stomach and proceeded to give me a damn good spanking. I fought him all the way, yet he kept on calmly spanking me until I gave up the fight and submitted. Then he carried on until he was happy that I was thoroughly spanked and sufficiently repentant.

Thankfully he was prepared to risk prosecution, he was of course taking a real risk "disciplining me against my will", as he understands how important DD is to me, to us, and how much I need it even when I do not want it. He was able to honour our agreement when I was not. And I am now very much in awe of a man who loves me enough to do that. A man, who I have to admit was, and indeed is, more of an HoH than I had realised or had dared to hope for.

Darling Andrew, thank you.